As the FBI investigates two potential terror attacks on US soil, the bureau’s director Kash Patel has been racking his brain for better ways to protect the American people. Apart from firing counterterrorism agents, his plans include partnering with UFC fighters to train the world’s premier law enforcement agency.
The elite fighters will head to Quantico as part of an “overall initiative by the FBI to provide its agents with exciting, innovative training options,” according to a UFC press release. Patel is calling the training session a “historic seminar,” though Cockburn suspects, based on Patel’s Winter Olympic foray into elite sports with the US men’s hockey team, the vibe might be closer to “Monster Energy-infused frat rager.”
The seminar comes shortly ahead of the UFC cage fight that will take place at the White House on June 14, President Trump’s 80th birthday. If you needed further signs that we’ve entered the Golden Age of America, where jocks with CTE and beauty queens reign supreme, celebrity boxer and influencer Jake Paul appears primed to enter the ring of politics. Trump gave Paul his “complete and total endorsement” at a Kentucky rally on Thursday, should Paul ever wish to run for office. Who ever thought Trump would be making nice with a Paul in Kentucky?
Time was that to prepare for national political office, you’d run locally to demonstrate your civic bona fides. Now the best prep for Washington is having 21 million YouTube subscribers and getting punched in the head for money.
On our radar
CUBAN HEELS President Miguel Díaz-Canel of Cuba confirmed for the first time that his administration is in talks with America amid the fuel blockade.
EPSTEIN OVERSIGHT Tova Noel, one of the guards on duty at the New York jail where Jeffrey Epstein died, will testify before the House Oversight Committee on March 26.
LIBERATION DAY Seven in ten Americans believe Trump’s tariffs have led to them paying higher prices, according to a new Guardian/Harris poll.
Ladies’ night at the White House
On Thursday, Cockburn attended a Women’s History Month event hosted by Melania Trump in the gilded East Room of the White House. The First Lady opened the celebration with a long list of her own accomplishments including “fashion, digital assets, skincare.”
“Curiosity is a core value that keeps me ahead of the curve,” she said.
Her advice for America’s women: “Make time for yourself, educate yourself daily and spread your passion.”
She introduced Trump, who seemed a little nervous but glowed with the attention.
“We love women,” he said. “Women are the whole deal.”
It was an exceptionally blonde crowd with immaculate MAGA branding, down to every last baby, including Congresswoman Kat Cammack’s chubby six-month-old displayed at the front of the room. The President praised Karoline Leavitt, Pam Bondi and Usha Vance. He joked that Usha’s husband “is doing an alright job too.”
Trump’s speech focused on cuts to the cost of pharmaceuticals, accessible IVF, safety in Washington, DC, deportations and keeping biological men out of women’s sports. His point on trans issues and athletics received loud cheering from the crowd of XX-chromosome women.
A single mom and waitress from North Carolina took the stage. Thanks to the One Big, Beautiful Bill, she received a large tax cut this year. “I had to do my taxes twice just to make sure I wasn’t missing anything!”
The pinnacle of the event was when Olympic gold medalist Kaillie Humphries cried tears of joy as she presented an honorary Olympic medal to Trump. It was the first time Cockburn had heard of such a thing. Trump stuck out his bottom lip with sweet, childlike surprise.
Iranian women were not brought into the discussion. That was almost certainly for the best. In fact, the subject of female struggle was avoided in its entirety.
Through the eyes of “the whitest house” – as the presidential residence was referred to accidentally by one guest speaker – the difficulties women face are universal: to feed your family and to win big in competitive sports. It’s quite beautiful when you think about it. Radical, even.
Hegseth logic
Pete Hegseth’s Pentagon press briefings have become destination viewing. A few highlights from this morning’s offering: a monologue on a CNN report he didn’t like, which the former Fox & Friends host concluded with, “the sooner David Ellison takes over that network, the better.” Glad to see the Defens- sorry, War, Secretary is taking the time to keep up with the business pages.
Hegseth also described Iran’s leadership as “desperate and hiding, they’ve gone underground, cowering. That’s what rats do.” (President Masoud Pezeshkian and other ministers were out and about hours earlier for Quds Day.)
And best of all: “The only thing prohibiting transit in the straits right now is Iran shooting at shipping. It is open for transit, should Iran not do that.” No notes.
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