Like Amsterdam, like New York City, Washington is a rat city. Old buildings and moisture create the conditions for them to thrive. Rats provide the midsized city with classical urban charm.
On the other hand, they’re vermin. As of this week, it’s official: DC Health is putting rats on the pill. The agency is planning to put “edible fertility control bait in areas prone to large numbers of rats.”
Cockburn wonders if putting rodents on birth control is a little like attempting a regime change in a foreign nation. How much do we actually know about the delicate balance of the ecosystem? If we sterilize the rats, what comes next? Must we then move to kill all the eels in the Potomac?
It’s true that rats are a health hazard, carrying diseases like salmonella and the bubonic plague in their feces and saliva. Cockburn advises the health department to start in northwest, particularly Adams Morgan. Yet he hopes that population control doesn’t reach the levels of rat genocide. It would be sad to never experience the small thrill of seeing a rat scurry out of a trashcan in Georgetown again. Besides, they’re hardly the filthiest rodents in this city. Who would we, as a species, be without them?
On our radar
SPARE CHANGE The Trump administration is requesting $1.5 trillion for defense in its FY 2027 budget.
MARCH ON American employers added 178,000 jobs in March and unemployment dropped to 4.3 percent, according to Bureau of Labor Statistics.
CAN’T BE-LEAVITT Karoline Leavitt joined Erika Kirk for a Turning Point USA event at DC’s George Washington University last night. “You always want to be the most well-read person in the room,” Leavitt told Kirk, “and I try to be every day. But Donald Trump always is.”
Sinners of the week
Cockburn is having a contemplative Good Friday, reflecting on the sacrifice of the cross and how the Lamb of God took away the sins of the world. In Washington, we are perhaps more in need of absolution than most.
Take the top Pentagon aide Ricky Buria, who’s been bearing false witness in an attempt to catch leakers. According to the New York Post, Buria spread a false rumor that he and his boss, War Secretary Pete Hegseth, had donned disguises to go out drinking – in a ham-fisted attempt to see who snitched to the press about it.
Then, aside from the usual accusations of pride and greed, President Trump added blasphemy to the list this week by comparing himself to Jesus. “On Palm Sunday, Jesus entered Jerusalem as crowds welcomed him with praise honoring him as king,” he said. “They call me king now. Can you believe it?”
And what about the lustful staffer who last week came up with the “OnlyFarms” gimmick as a means of directing people toward the Agriculture section of the White House website? Surely there’s a less porn-brained way to tout how the Trump administration has helped American farmers.
The horniness appears to be rubbing off on POTUS too, judging by this morning’s Truth Social post: “With a little more time, we can easily OPEN THE HORMUZ STRAIT, TAKE THE OIL, & MAKE A FORTUNE. IT WOULD BE A ‘GUSHER’ FOR THE WORLD??? President DONALD J. TRUMP” Why did he have to punctuate it like that?
Cockburn wishes a happy Easter to his readers, and the city. Let’s hope we can all do better.
Bondi for hire
Poor Pam. President Trump moved quickly yesterday to catapult Attorney General Pam Bondi from the cabinet. Trump confirmed her departure on Truth Social a mere three hours after a Semafor story suggested she was destined for the exit. But what’s next for the nation’s top lawyer?
Trump wrote that Bondi will “be transitioning to a much needed and important new job in the private sector.” That rules out his go-to means of moving someone on: either making them an ambassador or a “special envoy.” Cockburn has some ideas for possible landing spots.
First: why not Palantir Pam? Given her work with the Epstein files release, we know she’s a dab hand with tech. She’d fit right in there, or at any other Tolkien-themed dystopian Silicon Valley firm.
Or, given her past as a FARA-registered lobbyist for Qatar, what about FIFA? The World Cup is just a couple of months away and FIFA President Gianni Infantino, who has property in the Gulf state, is always keen to stress how good his friendship with Trump is.
She could also put her Middle East experience to use at World Liberty Financial, the Zach Witkoff-founded crypto venture which Trump’s sons are all involved in. The UAE’s national security advisor, Tahnoun bin Zayed al-Nahyan, happens to own a 49 percent stake.
Finally, there’s the charitable option. Bondi would fit right in at the ASPCA, given her long-documented love of dogs. If she took up a senior role there, she could help atone for the misdeeds of her former colleague Kristi Noem. From Justice Department to Justice for Cricket…
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