Q. When guests are leaving our house they sometimes ask: ‘Would you like me to strip my bed?’ The truthful answer is often: ‘No, because you are very clean and only stayed one night and I may decide to reuse your bed for one of the hulking slob friends of my son who stay.’ But if I say this, the guest might wonder if they went into ‘pre-used’ sheets. Worst-case scenario, they do not ask and turn up downstairs with an armful of bedding. What should I do?
– C.W., Stoke Abbott, Dorset
A. When asked by a guest if they should strip the sheets, reply: ‘Please don’t. Our daily has such little self-esteem as it is, she would really mind if you cheated her of the whole job.’
Q. I recently travelled from London to the Lake District by train for a wonderful new book festival. I had reserved a seat in advance so I could work but was startled to find a very well-dressed lady sitting there on arriving in the crowded carriage. Imagine my surprise when, following a polite request, she point-blank refused to move, saying she needed to face forward and I would have to find another seat. I remonstrated but to no effect – she remained in the seat. I was rendered speechless and decided I couldn’t call on the overworked steward to come to my assistance, so sheepishly shuffled off to sit nearby. At one point, my adversary got up to go to the loo, at which point her neighbours (who had observed the goings-on) all energetically encouraged me to reclaim my seat. I decided life was too short for such antics and stoically remained where I was. Mary, what would you have done – and is this the end of civilisation?
– J.B., Conock, Devizes, Wilts
A. It is not yet the end. Some disabilities are invisible – as the fridge magnets tell us – and your purpose would have been best served by assuming this was one such. You should have sought out the steward and, showing your ticket, conveyed your sympathy towards the seat-blocker, suggesting her discourteous behaviour was incompatible with her respectable self-presentation, and so a mental health issue was at play. Like all functionaries, the steward would have been thrilled to resolve an issue involving disability and would have rushed to reseat you in first class at no extra cost.
Q. During the hot weather my local supermarket sells out of gazpacho very quickly. But you can make your own by just scissoring spring onions, cucumber and some garlic into bought tomato juice.
– C.B., Newcastle, Co. Down
A. Many thanks for this tip.
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk
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