Q. I was lunching at a writers’ club in Lexington Street. It is a small but agreeable space. At one of the eight tables was seated a woman shrieking sporadically with loud, hyena-like laughter. This passive-aggressive behaviour was ruining the normally congenial atmosphere. The only member of staff present was a young pop-up waitress who did not feel mandated to act. As one of the oldest members I should have said something, but what?
– P.R., London W1
A. To advise on this issue, I turned to supreme restaurateur Jeremy King. ‘Rather than the woman being passive-aggressive, I normally find this behaviour is borne out of narcissistic insecurity and attention-seeking,’ observes King, whose latest achievement is the revamped Simpson’s in the Strand. ‘Conversation is a receding art, and sometimes groups can only self-entertain by taking photos, showing reels or telling anecdotes in a quest to elicit the loudest laughs. I instruct my staff to intervene with a simple, “I am afraid you are being too loud” and make the statement without justification or qualification. If it does not stop, it is best that management ask them to leave as it is better to upset one table rather than the whole room.’ In this situation you might have appealed to the hyena’s better nature by asking her to pipe down ‘because it’s not really fair on the new waitress’.
Q. I have let a local Polish woman and her partner move their caravan into my garden for £20 a week. Rents in Basingstoke have become unaffordable and now they can save up for a flat. Last night she offered me some dinner. In sweating clingfilm were carrots, cauliflower, three black sausages, grey mashed potato with truffle oil – I can’t stand even the smell of truffle – as well as some beige soup with floating white bread. She said this was a ‘Polish speciality’. I’m fond of her, but how can I stop her bringing me any food, Polish, or even English, again?
– G.V., near Basingstoke
A. I would give a martyred sigh as you explain that a junior family member, who is studying nutrition, is using you as a guinea pig for his dissertation. Sadly you dare not deviate from his prescribed menu.
Q. My granny has a spare room in Kensington but no help. She says a friend of mine who works two days a week in London would be welcome to stay, but I hesitate as she would end up changing his bed as other people also stay, and I don’t want to impose extra work on her. What should I do?
– H.E., Letchworth
A. Ask your friend to bring his own bed linen and store it in one of your granny’s cupboards. He can then make up and strip his own bed each week.
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