Tyler Grant

Friday

Tyler Grant

A tactical guide to Valentine’s Day

It’s that time of year again — we’ve made it to the one holiday where the sole societal expectation is romantic entanglement: Valentine’s Day, where a litany of traps lay waiting for men lucky enough to be in love. Landmines, outside the scope of the Ottawa Treaty, canvass that lonely day in February. In 1917 fashion, I find myself running to the front lines to warn you that the mission you are about to embark on is headlong into a feminine defensive retreat surprise attack (it’s helpful to be aware that most women have closely studied German World War One and Russian World War Two tactics).

Valentine’s day

Sunday

Tyler Grant

What stunts should we expect to see at future State of the Unions?

The State of the Union is like that annual meeting where the boss says it was a triumphant year as the business continues to be overleveraged. And in that spirit this week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, upon completion of the charade de hubris shredded her meeting (speech?) handout into tiny pieces behind the Commander-in-Chief, as he finished his remarks to the applause of half the room. The optics were stellar or childish depending on who you talked to. Democrats hailed Pelosi’s actions as a brave act of defiance earning Pelosi a #Resistance brand on her left shoulder the next time the 'Squad' has a meeting.

state

Wednesday

Tyler Grant

How to write 2020’s Great American Novel

So I sat down to write the Great American Novel. And like with all improbable tasks, it’s helpful to map out potential issues to spare yourself from a career-ending catastrophe (and to provide excuses to wax poetic to your friends when you ultimately leave a manuscript incomplete). First, it’s helpful to take a cursory survey of the current literary landscape: writing about my time in China, Thailand, or Taiwan will launch the entire Berkeley creative writing class into chants of 'exoticism' and cause a Slate writer to prematurely return from a gulag LARPing weekend to pen a 1,200-word thinkpiece on literature as colonialism. Reading the room, I’m going to stay close to home.

great american novel

Friday

Tyler Grant

Amazon Prime should be protected by the War Powers Act

I suit up most days (thank you, casual Fridays) and with the stress of New York’s walking speeds and tremendous cleanliness of its streets, the closet life of suits falls somewhere between the lifespan of a monarch butterfly and a succulent fathered by a man in his twenties, another way of saying: cherish life.So, we will call it a Tuesday of last week. I found myself either a) running from hired guns of a Memphis law firm after I had uncovered their Cayman Islands-based money laundering scheme or b) catching my pocket on the armrest of a conference room chair, when I split my dress pants down the leg.

amazon

Tuesday

Tyler Grant

How to have the perfect phone call

It’s oft repeated, but bears repeating, that our president is a man of perfection. From his perfectly done steaks to his perfect tweets, the guy is a stalwart example that you can, in fact, have it all. And when it comes to telephonic perfection, he resides somewhere between Carly Rae Jepsen and Hinder’s 'Lips of An Angel' in his communiqué with other world leaders.So when he tweeted: 'I JUST GOT IMPEACHED FOR MAKING A PERFECT PHONE CALL!' — you know that the phone call was damn near perfect.Which leads us to the quintessential question — what are the elements of a perfect phone call?For one, finding a quiet place devoid of distractions. In this hypothetical, I like to imagine a bathroom with a high vaulted ceiling and good marble work.

perfect phone call

Saturday

Tyler Grant

The impeachment process we deserve

Like a bona fide member of Congress, Speaker Nancy Pelosi has opted to seize defeat from the jaws of victory. Pelosi, a stern purveyor of the truth and the criminal justice system, has indicated that she will withhold the Articles of Impeachment leveled against President Trump until '[Congressional Democrats] see what [Senate Republicans] are doing … so far, we have not seen anything that looks fair to [Democrats].'Fairness — the building blocks that American politics are built upon — requires an interesting examination into what exactly a fair political impeachment trial would look like on the Senate side.History tells us the Senate has been known to curate a world-class community theater show.

impeachment process

Tuesday

Tyler Grant

America should kidnap pandas to end the trade war

It’s near the witching hour as the wolves begin to howl, the Tasmanian devil spins itself into a frenzy, and the red-eyed tree frog blinks into glass. The zoo is oddly quiet as US commandos (trained in zoology) scale the walls and deploy a well-placed and tiny explosive gum inside the lock to pop open the enclosure. The sleepy giant simply rolls over with dreams of bamboo and blasé dancing in its head. A bearded captain pulls out a black sack and pulls it over the animal’s head as they tranquilize the heavy sleeper — the panda rendition is complete. That’s right, I am proposing kidnapping the American domiciled pandas to expedite an end to the US-China trade war.

pandas