Steerpike

Andy Burnham today insisted he wants to 'eradicate' illegal dinghy crossings – but admitted he probably won't be able to do so before 2029. The Prime Minister was forced to confront the illegal migration scandal blighting Britain after GB News pressed him on this week’s mega-dinghy arrival. On a visit to Ilkeston in Derbyshire during his ‘listening tour’ of the country, Burnham claimed that he ‘hears’ the public’s concerns about Channel crossings. Yet he argued that ‘it would be wrong for me to make a prediction’ about when the scandal will finally end and Britain’s borders will function again. The Prime Minister said: I just can only promise to people what I know I can do and what I know I can deliver.

Keir Starmer might be gone but Labour is still counting the cost of his legacy. Party membership figures published this week showed that the number of card-carrying activists plunged 20 per cent during the ex-PM's first year in office, falling from 333,235 at the end of 2024 to 264,754 twelve months' on. No wonder the Greens are now boasting about being on the cusp of overtaking Labour. Still, one man who is apparently happy to pay his dues is, er, John Bercow. Yes, that's right – the disgraced former Speaker of the House of Commons is now a Labour member. Bercow joined the party back in June 2021 but was suspended the following March, after a report by Parliament's Independent Expert Panel upheld 21 separate allegations of bullying and harassment.

Stop the presses! Labour has, at last, found something it thinks sixteen-year-olds should not be allowed to use. Not a ballot in national elections, obviously – but, er, sunbeds. For ministers are now proposing photographic ID checks before you tan. While Samantha Niblett may want a 'summer of sex', others within her party clearly want it to be one of (selective) scrutiny... Steerpike has done some digging and it seems that, at the same time as introducing votes at 16 and removing the need for photographic ID at polling stations, Labour thinks that more onerous restrictions are needed when you visit your local sunbed. For, according to a little-noticed press release, the government is now consulting on 'sunbed regulation'.

So. Farewell then Jason Arday. The 37-year-old lackademic has tonight resigned his post at Cambridge University – the latest chapter in a remarkable life that, according to talks he has given, has seen him overcome a raft of challenges. But it seems being at the centre of a self-induced media fire storm was just a challenge too far, amid a deluge of questions about Arday's past claims. His resignation comes after the university announced he was to face a new investigation into his qualifications and career. A classic of the 'you can't fire me, I quit' genre... Arday's statement is a 600-word classic of the 'whiny, self-pitying' genre. He bemoans how: The years since my appointment have also been marked by an unrelenting level of public scrutiny and personal attack.

https://twitter.com/RupertLowe10/status/2083801359913021951?s=20 Best of Frenemies? Following the Greater Manchester mayoral by-election, Rupert Lowe, Reform MP turned Restore Britain leader, has made a big, open and comprehensive offer to Nigel Farage. In Manchester, Restore Britain received 46, 289 votes and pushed the Conservatives into fifth. Now, Lowe has publicly called on Farage to put ‘personal differences’ aside and unite their efforts to deliver a ‘patriotic government’.

https://twitter.com/BBCr4today/status/2083111844114252129 Convicted fraudster-turned-cabinet minister Louise Haigh has pleaded with the public to forgive her former sins. Haigh, a key operator in Andy Burnham’s coup against Sir Keir Starmer, is now First Secretary of State and will help oversee Labour’s new devolution agenda. The arch-leftie was booted out of Sir Keir’s top team after it emerged that she had falsely reported to police in 2013 that her work mobile phone had been stolen during a mugging. Haigh insisted it was a genuine mistake after later finding the device, but pleaded guilty to fraud. Naturally, that hasn’t stopped Burnham rewarding the ally who helped propel him into No. 10 with one of the plummest jobs in Westminster.

https://twitter.com/PatrickChristys/status/2082822376387953083 Europe’s illegal migration crisis plumbed astonishing new depths today as thousands of undocumented men from Morocco stormed the border into the Spanish enclave of Ceuta. Distressing footage shared on social media shows men entering the territory, perched on the northern tip of Morocco, by both land and sea. As they broke through border barricades and poured into Spanish territory, the jubilant migrants chanted: ‘Viva España!’ Authorities in Ceuta have begged Madrid for help, declaring a ‘total humanitarian and social emergency’. But naturally, Spain’s left-wing Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez has refused to deploy the military to contain the invaders.

https://twitter.com/CPhilpOfficial/status/2082467448264016191 Chris Philp’s boots-on-the-ground exposé of the small boats farce took another shocking, if unsurprising, turn today. Fresh from having a French warship fire live rounds near him in the Channel, the Shadow Home Secretary watched as gendarmes south of Boulogne-sur-Mer did absolutely nothing to stop dozens of illegal migrants hurling themselves into dinghies destined for Dover. Despite British taxpayers coughing up half a billion pounds for the French to intervene, candid officers on the beach made an astonishing confession to Philp: Our order is to let them go. We just have to say to them “don’t do that it’s dangerous”.

https://twitter.com/CPhilpOfficial/status/2082034278612037836 Chris Philp has had a rather eventful morning. While filming an interview about small boats aboard a fishing vessel in the Channel, the Shadow Home Secretary watched as a French warship fired a volley of shots just 300 metres away. A French naval officer standing at the stern of the vessel, a couple of miles off Boulogne-sur-Mer, fired 17 rounds from a handgun. The shots were aimed away from Philp – but he believes the display was intended to intimidate him into abandoning his coverage of dinghy crossings. Philp said: ‘On the channel today monitoring illegal migrant crossings … as I was being interviewed by the BBC just now a French warship approached close and fired 17 live rounds behind us.

What is it about tragedy that brings out the worst in some people? After the horrifying attack on Berlin Pride, most politicians have rushed to offer their sympathies to the city and condemn the identified perpetrator: 21-year-old Abdul Ballout, an alleged Islamist extremist. But for some, it seems, this sad occasion is just another chance to parade their idiocy in public. Sadly, among them are two of Labour's MPs: Kate Osborne and Chris Bryant. Osborne, the hard-of-thinking Labour MP for Jarrow and Gateshead East has been quick to point the finger of blame at those who are REALLY responsible – including, er, GB News.

Just in case you were worried it had slipped off the agenda, Labour MP Samantha Niblett has confirmed that her parliamentary dildo exhibition will go ahead. Her ‘summer of sex’ campaign now has the firm backing of none other than John Lewis, alongside luxury sexual wellness company Coco de Mer. The high-street giant even hosted a launch event for Niblett’s campaign on Wednesday night. Never knowingly under-stimulated, eh? Attendees at the soiree were given luxury goodie bags containing biscuits, canned cocktails and intimate bodycare products. At the event, Niblett confessed: ‘I was a little worried about putting my head above the parapet because actually, who wants to hear their MP talk about sex?

Usually the phrase ‘car crash interview’ is only a metaphor, referring to a politician after a terrible exchange. But now a more literal example of the term has occurred in Clacton, where Nigel Farage is busy stumping around on the campaign trail.  As the Reform leader stood on the pavement in Essex, campaigning in the by-election he triggered, a passing motorist wound down her window to swear at the Reform leader. Mr S will let readers watch the clip for themselves to hear the obscenity: https://twitter.com/Nigel_Farage/status/2080238160961843616?s=20 Unfortunately for the driver, her focus on Farage came at the detriment of her driving skills. Mere seconds later, her grey Vauxhall Astra had ploughed straight into the back of the car in front, waiting at a red light.