Matt Percival

‘Which free tote goes best?’

‘This is where they buried the cheaper broadband deals.’

‘What a day.’

‘Is the food ultra processed?’

‘I believe what sets me apart is my unique perspective as a bald, white, middle-aged male.’

‘Do I look sexy or am I trying too hard?’

‘If you don’t talk then I’ll be forced to hurt your feelings.’

‘I had some work done.’

'Today we are going to be learning percentages'

‘I was hoping for a strong independence woman.’

‘All he does is moan.’

‘Why are you in detention?’

‘Sue Gray cracked the civil service code’

‘It’s being analysed by sensitivity readers.’

‘I have notes.’

‘That was the spare’s bedroom.’