Mary Killen

Q. A friend has asked me to a small birthday dinner, but she has also, unwittingly, asked a man with whom I have an embarrassing issue. In a nutshell, he invited me on a date and then didn’t call on the day or since. I have met someone else so I am not bitter. But I could have been really demoralised (because we snogged and so on). It was all against my better judgment anyway because, although he is very good-looking, he is a Tory and I am not, but I still think he should not get away scot-free, so can you recommend a way in which I can demoralise him at the dinner without creating a bad atmosphere generally? —B.J., London W11 A. This is the wrong attitude to take. Parents with naughty children should never discipline them under someone else’s roof.

Q. How, without causing offence, can you stop someone sitting next to you on an aeroplane or train from talking to you all the way through the journey? I find this often happens to me, and once you engage it is hard to bring the conversation to a close. I count on these journeys as opportunities to catch up on reading. — H.A., London W8 A. First soften the blow by talking animatedly for a few minutes. Then put your hand over your mouth and confess in despairing mode, ‘I always get so tempted to talk when I meet someone interesting on a plane/train. Will you promise to stop me if I try to carry on chatting? I’ve got so much reading to do and I’m sure you have, too.’ Q. A friend who runs an art business from her home in the country is too nice to her staff.

Q. When our daughter, who has a wheat allergy, comes up to stay for weekends or hols with her husband and children, my wife takes a lot of trouble ordering wheat-free loaves from a special source in our nearby town. These are then collected by my wife and pointed out to all present as being for our daughter only — there is plenty of other delicious bread. In spite of all this (the specially ordered bread is expensive, has to be collected, we can’t get another loaf quickly, and we’ve said it several times), her husband still goes on taking pieces! He may be winding up his in-laws, but either way, can you suggest a solution? — H.B., East Lothian, Scotland A.

Q. Recently my wife and I received a thank you letter from ‘John and Kate’ giving an address in Pimlico. They wrote to thank us for a picture of roses that ‘we’ had given them for a wedding present. My mother-in-law painted beautifully and often chose roses. My wife and I racked our brains to think who this well-mannered couple could be. Not one of ours — over to you Rollo and Janie (a local couple with whom I and my wife, Rollo and Caroline, are often confused). But it was not one of theirs either… How do you suggest both Rollos come out of this smelling of roses? — R.C.,West Porlock, Somerset A. A quick (free) search of www.thepeerage.co.uk reveals too many Rollos for the mystery to be easily solved. However, there is no need for you to be coy.

Q. We have a friend in her late sixties who has been a widow for ten years. Over that period of time we have asked her to many social occasions at our home. She has never asked us to her house. It’s reached a stage where we are starting to feel that maybe we shouldn’t ask her again. Do you have any ideas as to how we could resolve this problem? – P.H., Wiltshire A. Yes, but first let’s look at the likely reasons for her failure to reciprocate. One: you have a large, beautiful house, whereas she has a small grotty one and wrongly assumes you would not want a return match. Two: secretly her house is stuffed with treasures. People would talk if they saw them so she keeps them out for security reasons. Three: she is neurotic about money or mad.

Q.  How should one discourage a fellow diner from helping himself too greedily from a dish you are enjoying yourself? A writer friend invited me to lunch in the River Room at the Savoy Hotel. The treat was only marred when the pudding course arrived: ‘opalys white chocolate jelly sphere’. This was a thin chocolate shell over which the waiter poured perhaps a dessert spoon of hot chocolate sauce, bursting the shell and revealing the content within — a raspberry hibiscus ice cream. It was the single most delicious thing I have ever eaten but I had only had one spoonful when my friend’s husband, who was next to me and had not ordered a pudding, asked could he taste it. ‘Of course,’ I said. He then ate say, six spoons’ worth to my further one.

Q. A close neighbour has a two-car garage that occupies her entire street frontage. However, she has developed a habit of parking her car outside my house so that I then have to park way up the street (I only have one car). When her many children visit, they also park in front of my house if I am not there. I think this is rather rude. Is there any way I can tactfully get the message to her that she should either park in her garage or down the street, where there is plenty of room? I have considered appealing to the local council but this seems a bit draconian. Your advice would be much appreciated. — John, by email A. Beam pleasantly at the neighbour as you inquire whether she might consider renting one of her two garages to you as a parking space.

Q. After a beach picnic in Denmark two girlfriends and I went for a walk in the dunes. Returning along the beach we found we had to cross a naturist section. A man made it clear that we must conform and so we did, feeling rather foolish carrying our bikinis — but we had nowhere to hide them! — to be greeted at the far end by our goggle-eyed husbands. They said the man had his own agenda. In future, what is the etiquette for crossing the nudist section of a beach? —V.W., London SW6 A. A frisson of excitement is detectable in your enquiry. It suggests that you may have quite enjoyed the enforced exposure.

Q. My nice young London terrace neighbour, whose total rebuilding works are eight months old now, with plenty still to go, has mailed me to express the hope that the last few months have not been too painful. How can I let him know about the constant noise, dirt and dust, the wafting Polish cigarette smoke, the occasional drilling at 8.01 on a Saturday morning, the whole inconsiderate (and I accept inevitable) continuum of it, without falling out with him? —A.B., London SW18 A. You can assume his overture is a coded request for comments. Make your benevolence towards him clear by saying the disruption is a price worth paying to have such a welcome new neighbour.

Q. How can I tell a new young colleague that he needs to wash? He and I share an office and he is exceptionally nice but the smell in our shared quarters is sickening. What do you advise? — E.C., Oxford A. Try this method which has resolved the same problem for others. Say to the youth, ‘I am going to ask you a question and I want you to be completely honest, even if you think it may hurt my feelings. do I smell?’ When he says no, say excitedly, ‘Phew! It’s not me then. But haven’t you noticed there is a terrible smell in our room? If it is not me then it must be you!’ Move closer to him as though to check, then recoil crying ‘it is!’ in the satisfied manner of someone who has solved a riddle rather than someone who is revolted.

Once again Mary has invited some of her favourite figures in the public eye to submit personal queries for her attention. From the Rt Hon Michael Gove MPQ. Without his parents quite knowing why, our seven-year-old son has become fanatical about football. I have tried to channel this enthusiasm in a positive way, booking him into local coaching sessions, and on the basis that one should support a football club for reasons of dogged local patriotism rather than a thirst for glittering prizes, I have sought to nurture a passion for our local team, Queens Park Rangers, in his breast. But our son has remarked that QPR appear to win less often than other teams his school friends support — notably Chelsea.

Q. In my late fifties, I find myself, in the run-up to Christmas this year, going to social events and meeting up with contemporaries some of whom I have not seen for years. I have always been bad at recognising people but I notice that some now seem quite offended. They are taking it wrongly and thinking that it is because they have deteriorated so much. Is there a fail-safe way in which I can find out who on earth they are without their suspecting I do not know? —Name withheld, London SW8 A. You might consider emulating the example of one considerate Sloane who carries a Smythson pocket jotter complete with pen. As the ‘stranger’ approaches she shouts, ‘I’m not even going to ask how you are until you have written down your phone number.

Q. Coming across a secluded pool while walking in the Picos in Spain on a very hot day we had an exhilarating skinny-dip, followed by some rather silly antics for forty-somethings. By chance a couple we know but detest (the husband is always ogling me) were staying in the same hotel. Since our return he keeps making sly remarks in front of us which can only mean that they saw all this; possibly they even followed us. Should I or my husband confront the pest? —Name and address withheld A. There is no reason for you to worry about loss of dignity when humiliation should rightly be heaped on the Peeping Toms. Simply purchase a dvd of the award-winning 2006 film The Lives of Others.

Q. Is it on to invite friends to a birthday dinner and, with no pre-arrangement, expect them to fork out for their meal? An acquaintance — let’s call him Ralphie — has done this for years. Responding to his always effusive invitation (‘I’d really like YOU to be there’), one arrives bearing a gift and, at the end of a convivial evening in a posh restaurant, with appropriate fine wines and liqueurs, the bill is divided between the guests, some of whom, being unprepared, cough up with fixed smiles. Those who pay cheerfully are Ralphie’s pals who, like him, are associated with boats. Ralphie is skipper of a millionaire’s ocean-going yacht so he is himself not short of a bob or two.

Q. I believe there is a recent trend among very well-brought-up people to attempt to alleviate the impression of elitism that their impeccable manners may provoke by putting their feet in places where they should not be. When I was in London just before the election, I noticed a picture of Mr Cameron sitting in a window, with one Nike-clad foot pulled up next to him on the windowsill. I believe this was deliberate, in order to reassure prospective voters that he was not a stuffy old fogey, but hip and with-it. Now, at my mud hotel in Mali, I have told the staff that feet are not allowed on tables, no matter whose feet we are talking about. There are some loutish people who will arrive, take their shoes and socks off, then order a beer and put their feet on the table!

Q. In the event of the expected death of a dear friend, I have been asked to organise the funeral. I have no idea which newspaper I should put the announcement in. Each death notice costs about £60, so if I were to do the Times, Telegraph, Guardian and Independent, it would all mount up, and with no guarantee of people even noticing it and being able to attend the funeral. Any advice? —C.D., London SW9 A. A new service, still in its infancy, has been set up by three society matriarchs to solve this very dilemma. With their website www.funeralinfo.co.uk, the women concerned have provided a simple solution to informing friends and relations of funeral arrangements being made, wishes about flowers or donations and transport to and from the service.

Q. I appear in a reality television show — perhaps unreality would be a more accurate description. The erroneous impression that I am fabulously rich has been so well conveyed that, when having dinner with new acquaintances, I sense a certain anticipation that I will be happy to pick up the bill. Most of my peers are still students. How can I enjoy going to restaurants with them without being landed with the bill for six or eight people each time and without blowing my own cover? —Name and address withheld A. Continue to join peers in restaurants but carry a spare, out-of-battery telephone into whose blank screen you periodically stare with frustration. This prequel will validate your sudden decision to leave the table — perhaps near the end of the main course.

Q. I was caught out last week during dinner. The guest on my left was droning on at length and I had tuned in to a more interesting conversation down the other end of the table when to my horror he suddenly said, ‘Sorry... I lost my train of thought. What was I talking about?’ Mary, although I had an ‘interested’ expression on my face, I had stopped listening long before. Can you advise so that I am fully prepared should a similar situation arise? —Name and address withheld A. You should reply with great enthusiasm, ‘I’ve no idea what you were saying because I’ve been staring at your face and it’s completely mesmerised me. Did you know you had a perfect Grecian profile/enchanting half-smile?’ Q.

Q. My wife and I both work from home. We happen to have three friends called Sue, all of whom ring up on a regular basis. On the telephone they all sound identical, and so when one of them rings to speak to my wife I struggle to find a tactful way of identifying which one it is without making her feel she is not important enough to allow me to recognise her voice immediately. —N.A., Glos A. You can sidestep the natural offence that a perception of interchangeability might cause in the Sues. Simply reply to their inevitable query how are you with ‘Hmm. How was I when we last met?’ The Sue’s reply will give you the data you need — e.g. ‘You were fine when we met at the Blahs.

Q. I live in a two-bedroom flat. It is not spacious but happens to be in the centre of Mayfair. By and large I welcome overnight guests. However, among their number is a couple who were essentially friends of my former girlfriend rather than me but who have become used to the convenience of the location. I find the hypocrisy inherent in their visits tiring and wonder how, without a confrontation, I can discourage them from inviting themselves? — Name withheld, London W1 A. Time was when James Bond wannabes living in Mayfair would keep a half fridge in the bedroom. It meant they could effortlessly pop a cork and toast a conquest with champagne. Why not purchase such a fridge, ideally a second-hand one since they are noisier, and install it in your guest bedroom?