Mary Killen

Q. My first book comes out next month and the publishers are launching it with a drinks party in a London bookshop between 6.30 and 8 p.m. I can count at least 20 old friends and family, to say nothing of my editor and publicist, who will naturally expect me to have dinner with them afterwards. We don’t have a London flat any more. My husband would love to take ten people out to dinner but not 20 — not because of the expense, but because of the noise and the chaos. How do I choose without upsetting people? —Name withheld, Warwickshire A. You could be certain of hurting no one by planning to drive straight back to Warwickshire after the party, on the understandable grounds that you will be ‘too shattered’ to have dinner.

Q. I gave a drinks party at which I introduced two men who should have got on well. Instead one, who had had a bit too much to drink, became verbally aggressive, using a disagreement over architecture as the pretext for attacking the other. Despite my knowing the aggressor so well, and despite the passivity of his target, I was powerless to calm things down and it almost ended in (one-sided) fisticuffs. How could I have defused the tension? —M.W., London SW3 A. To distract an aggressor at a party, raise your hand in a general stop sign, tap your glass and call for general silence.  Announce that  a large quantity of cash has been found on the floor. Would everyone please check to see whether it is they who have dropped it.

Q. I was amused by your correspondent ‘J.P.’ (16 April) who complained of her daughter-in-law’s ‘bosom flashing’ at dinner parties. A similar thing happened at a house party in France this year: one of the female guests wore an open shirt so loosely knotted that ‘J.P.’ would have been even more shocked. The woman opposite became so exasperated she left the table briefly — to return with her own dress wide open and no bra. She had rather more on offer, and it did the trick: for the rest of the holiday the offender covered up. But — as you suggest — the men were disappointed. —M.J.H., Alston, Cumbria A Thank you for reporting this silent, but effective reprimand.

Q. We have friends who we would like to see much more of but when they come to dinner they always stay until 1 a.m. — often a full three hours after we have got down. This even when all other guests have left, saying they have to be up early and they know we do too. This couple (who were brought up in another country) show absolutely no qualms about keeping us up. Although we like them enormously, they are a rather grand and formal couple, and we are not yet on the sort of terms where we could speak plainly and just ask them to go home. They seem to be relishing every moment and really enjoying the socialising, none of which, I might add, is particularly alcohol-fuelled. What should we do?   —S.F., London W2 A.

Q. I was interested to see Charles Moore’s italicisation of the word ‘patio’ in the issue of 30 July. We have a paved area in our garden at home, but my wife and I are unsure of what it should be called. What would you suggest? —S.B., Somerset A. Charles Moore was writing about the Alhambra, where the courtyards are called patios, but the truth is that outside of such venerable buildings and Latin countries there is no acceptable expression for the type of paved area you mention. So unless it could be classed as a terrace, you only have the option of pronouncing patio in a silly voice, which would be tiring, or just referring to it as ‘outside’ e.g. ‘let’s sit outside’ or ‘I left my book outside’. Q.

Q. I recently attended a house-cooling party. There were haybales around bonfires, barbecues and dancing to iPods with speakers. The house was open — although most of the furniture had gone — and we were invited to bring our own bedding if we wanted to sleep over. My 16-year-old daughter and I had a plane to catch so we left in a hurry the next morning. On the plane she remembered she had left two of her favourite pieces of vintage clothing at the party. As soon as we landed, I emailed our host to ask her to hold onto these precious items — a Hermès scarf and an Austrian loden coat — but she emailed back saying I was too late, she had been ‘hyperefficient’ and had already delivered a carload of left-behind clothing to the local Oxfam shop.

Q. We live in New Zealand and under our ‘business immigration scheme’ a delightful Korean family has moved into the neighbourhood. They are required to buy a business and provide local employment opportunities. Accordingly, they have bought a café, but they do not seem to have any knowledge of the hospitality trade, nor much English. My wife is helping their daughter with her English studies and, as a reward, they are delivering ample supplies of café muffins which can only be described as rocks. How can we tell them that these are inedible (and therefore unsaleable) without causing offence? – B.W., Auckland, NZ A.

Q. I am a governor of a top girls’ school in central London. When we are invited by the headmistress to school events by email, one of the other governors replies to every person in the group email. Obviously this reflects rather badly on my fellow governor — either she has not grasped the significance of the ‘reply to all’ box or she honestly thinks we are all interested in knowing that she cannot attend this summer’s junior ballet demonstration. How can we stop her doing this without causing offence? It is just another unwanted email. —B.L., Harrow, Middlesex A. Deal with the nuisance tactfully in the following manner. Next time the headmistress invites you, click ‘reply to all’ yourself when you RSVP.

Q. I am one of eight retired golfers who once a week enjoy a sociable but not too serious game on our local course. Recently the wife of one of our group has taken to joining us and, although we are all good friends, we would prefer the weekly game to remain an all-male affair. To make it worse, the golfing wife is very competitive and is usually better than the rest of us. We do not want to sour relationships in what has become a very happy group. Can you suggest a good solution? – P.B., by email A. Collude with the others to build up your admiring responses to the wife’s golfing prowess. Gasps of admiration and open envy should be freely expressed.

Your problems solved Q. The Welsh have this annoying habit of turning up unannounced. I think it must derive from the days when they all lived in little terraces beneath the pits and the mines, and it was a come-one-come-all community. In 1978 I moved to England, but I still find that Welsh persons on occasion knock on my door and try to drop in. They think they are being ‘friendly’. I am a busy man, Mary. Worse, my mother, whom I have succeeded in not seeing for many years, keeps leaving messages on my wife’s mobile, to the effect that she plans to ‘call in’ one Sunday without warning. How can I avoid this terrible eventuality? —R.L., Bromyard, Herts A. I do not admire your childish stance regarding your mother.

Your problems solved Q. I recently received the annual magazine from my old school, and as a consequence offered to make a donation to assist with the development of a new sixth-form centre — as I’m sure many other people did. Having exchanged amiable emails with the headmaster and school administrator I made a decent donation, advising the latter when I had made the transfer. Unfortunately I have received no acknowledgement or thanks in return. Whether this is due to slackness or discourtesy I am not sure, but it rankles. What should I do? — J.W., West Midlands A. It may not come naturally for a ‘pupil’ to reprimand a ‘master’ but it is your duty to mention this inexcusable behaviour.

Q. Is plate-swapping in restaurants now acceptable behaviour? When dining out, a not-so-young Dutch couple I know, both smart and rich, are in the habit of blithely exchanging plates midway through each course so that they may taste one another’s choice of food. However, in one fashionable restaurant recently, a handwritten note accompanied their bill which said ‘in this establishment, plate-swapping is not encouraged. In future please refrain from indulging in this practice.’ Was the indignation of the Dutch justified? — T.D., Majorca A. There is no legal reason why the two should not swap plates.

Q. We live exactly halfway between London and Cornwall. People often ask themselves to stay so they can break the journey and we usually say yes — we need outside company to liven things up around here. My problem is that we are short of cash these days and I have started doing b&b. I still want my really good old friends to stay without paying, and I still want to see the less good friends, but I am not happy for those in the latter category to block off rooms which I could be letting out to paying punters. Can you suggest a tactful way of suggesting to less good friends that they actually pay to stay? I know this sounds grasping, but we do need the money. — Name withheld, near Bruton, Somerset A.

Q. I receive a huge number of invitations. This is no reflection of my status i.e. I am not powerful or rich or anything, I just know hundreds of people and in this I am probably quite typical of anyone else of my age (25). My problem is knowing how to reply when asked to something six months ahead. You cannot say you are already busy and so you are forced, out of politeness, to accept. Often, I find, when the time comes round, that I would rather be doing something else. —D.A., Crouch End, London A. Why not take a tip from another reader, M.G., also aged 25? Says M.G., ‘When I am invited months ahead I always ask myself: if it were tomorrow, would I want to accept? If the answer is yes I say yes, and if no I say no.

Q. I am a man of modest means but every year my cousin allows me to use his country house to host a cricket match against the village close to the family seat in the West Country. I invite members of the itinerant London-based team for which I play, and their families, to stay for the weekend, and provide food and drink at my own expense. The point of difficulty is that my cousin’s staff expect to be tipped and my guests, unfamiliar with conventions of country houses, do not, in the main, oblige. As a consequence I have to make up the difference. I have thought of approaching our captain and asking him to brief the team, but although a splendid fellow he cannot be relied on in this regard.

Q. How can you have people to stay the night — but not the next day as well? My parents have bought a flat in London. They have given my brother and me keys so we can use it when we want. This is amazing but the problem is that the flat is really central so our friends from university always want to stay after we have been clubbing or even just in the pub. Then, while my brother and I are trying to work, they hang around until they are ready to go out again. — S.H., London W1 A. There is an 8 a.m. Mass at Farm Street Church every day of the week with additional later ones at 11 on Saturday and 9.30 on Sunday. Why not get into the habit of going to mass on mornings when you need to shift layabouts?

Your problems solved Q. I have met a man who, despite being 66, is very fanciable. He has been paying me some attention. The problem is that he spits while he is speaking. I think this is a new habit: his former wife and long-term girlfriend have high standards and would not have put up with it, but he has been single for a couple of years. I don’t want to nag him even before we have embarked on anything — but I would not want to embark on anything while being sprayed with spittle. — K.M., London WC1 A. Invite him to lunch with a small group, including another man who spits. Seat the two spitters opposite each other.

Q. I thought I was au fait with road users’ etiquette, but confess to being nonplussed when confronted by the advisory signs Baby on Board or race horses in transit displayed in vehicles. Mary, what is the correct reaction to this information? Should one hoot? Cheer? Smile sympathetically? Flash the headlights? Pray? Depending on your advice, should one adapt these signs, do you think, to read Headlice on Board when ferrying schoolchildren around? —J.J., Shaftesbury, Dorset A. These signs are not entirely without purpose. They point to a motorist who is either passive-aggressive or lacking in good judgment. Steer a wide course. Q. A rather supercilious middle-aged American lives in the same apartment block.

Q. May I pass on a tip to readers? Three of my sons are revising for exams at the moment, all in the face of the usual sorts of distractions from social networking sites, cricket and football score alerts, to say nothing of emails pinging into their laptops. I was therefore delighted when they told me that an electronic opportunity to resist these temptations now exists. Two of my sons have installed it into their own MacBooks. Apparently you just go to Google and download ‘self-control app’. This application enables you to set a limit, say two hours, during which all access to time-wasting social networking sites and emails are blocked.

Q. I recently met an old friend I had not seen for some years. Answering his question about my meeting with a certain film star, I mentioned cosmetic surgery, in a disparaging tone. He seemed confused rather than amused, and after we parted it dawned on me that perhaps he too had ‘had work done’. How can I apologise for something I might not have done, regarding something he might not have done, and at the same time find out whether he has? — Name and address withheld A. Inappropriate facial expressions are the usual giveaway, so it seems your suspicions are correct. But you are oversensitive. The disparaging tones will have reassured your friend that his ‘work’ must have been done with such subtlety as to be unnoticeable.