Mark Wood

‘It’s very modern. There’s a different takeaway driver behind every door.’

‘I may have been asleep for 100 years, but my deep sleep was only 21 per cent.’

‘Wanting to be a real boy was one thing – now he talks of wanting to be a real man.’

‘The former Duke of York was marched to the top of the hill and left there.’

‘I’ve had to learn how to throw it myself.’

‘Thank God, that’s the Christmas shopping finished.’

‘The uncontrolled numbers coming in does concern me.’

‘Do you have any “Sorry I misgendered you” cards?’

‘It’s solar powered.’

‘We pretend we’re robot vacuum cleaners and then we take over the world.’

‘That’s not the robot vacuum cleaner, it’s the robot lawnmower.’

‘I’m hoping someone will steal my phone, so my parents buy me a new one.’

‘He’s planning to let his treehouse out on Airbnb.’