Janet de Botton

Up to Solihull again (I might as well move there) to play the Gold Cup finals. We sailed through the semis against Ken Ford’s team to meet Allfrey in the final. They had been 52 down with 16 boards to play in their semi-final match and had won! The writing was on the wall. The match was a rollercoaster and we went into the final set a few imps down. I sat out and put on my iPad to receive the following email from my old teacher, David Parry: ‘No one remembers who comes second.’ ‘Cheers, you garden gnome,’ I replied, and proceeded to come second — which is why I’m reminding you!

A few years ago I used to play Rubber Bridge from time to time with an elderly gentleman called Leo Halpern. Leo was unfailingly polite, good-humoured and kind. He was also very, very slow. One day, when he was playing a laydown 3NT he thought for ages and one of the other players finally said: ‘Leo, what on earth are you thinking about?’ He looked rather surprised and answered, ‘I’m not thinking about anything, but the slower I play the less money I lose!’ Rubber Bridge is about getting as many games into a session as possible for most people, and while occasional long tanks are not a problem, too many cause irritation.

Since the beginning of September I don’t think there has been a single weekend when my team was not away playing in one or another tournament, so when I received an email asking everyone from the first division of the Premier League if they would like to play the Champions Cup in Israel I decided to stay in bed. What a mistake! It was a fabulous tournament attracting all the top European teams, predictably won by the Italian National super-squad. Frances Hindon and Graham Osbourne and Nick Sandqvist and David Burn represented England and after a great start they sadly lost their first play-off match against a strong Polish team by one IMP.

OK, Guv. It’s a fair cop. I admit it. I’ve been feeling a squidgen smug of late. I’ve been playing rather well — even though I say so myself. My team has been successful. We have prospered. I smiled sympathetically when others told me their tales of woe, thinking, ‘That used to be me.’ I felt confident. And then I went to Manchester for the second weekend of the Premier League.And I played on vugraph. And I took NO tricks. And I made a right freaking IDIOT of myself. And I HATE this game! Cover up the E/W hands and do better than me on this one: My 1NT showed 15–17 and West’s overcall promised a major, usually a six card suit. West led the ♥Q, which I won.

Somerset Maugham famously called Monte Carlo ‘a sunny place for shady people’. Today über sponsor Pierre Zimmermann has rather unexpectedly turned it into the bridge capital of the world. Last week he achieved another huge win for the principality by moving the world’s biggest money tournament, The Cavendish, from Las Vegas to Monaco for a week of thrilling tournaments that attracted over 100 of the best players from all over the world. The auction pairs event, generating a whopping €150,000 for the successful buyer, was won by astonishing Israeli Juniors Ron Schwarz and Lotan Fisher.

Of all the competitions and tournaments available in this country, the one that somehow means the most is the Gold Cup. We have won it twice and the thrill is immeasurable. We have also been knocked out in round one and the worst part was knowing what we would be missing, in terms of matches, for the coming year. The semi-final and final are played over a weekend, and if you make it, the bridge is as good as anything you are going to play in Britain. This year started quietly. We played. We won. We won a few more and at the weekend we found ourselves playing 64 boards against the formidable Tredinnick team. After eight boards we were up 20 IMPs and after 40 boards we were down 20 IMPs.

I read recently that bridge today is 70 per cent bidding, 20 per cent defence and 10 per cent play, and if the first weekend of this year’s Premier League is anything to go by that would about sum it up. Most IMPs went out of the window with bidding misunderstandings leading good pairs into the wrong contact, or, through sloppy or unlucky defences, contracts being let through. This hand, from the first match, caused the most discussion, and illustrates the value of a great defender: Andrew Robson who, I read somewhere, is 70 per cent class, 20 per cent tall and 10 per cent a bit of a slowcoach, was sitting West. The contract is quite good, mainly because of South’s 9, 8 of Diamonds, which gives declarer an extra opportunity in that suit.

A friend told me (no, honestly — it was a friend) that she had had a dream from which she awoke screaming abuse and practising kick-boxing on her (no longer) boyfriend’s sleeping head. ‘What was the dream?’ I, her awestruck audience, gasped. Well — it turned out that said boyfriend’s ex-wife had told him that she (friend) had gone off in a totally cold contract in the worst played hand of the year. I nodded in sympathy and understanding. That would do it. One man who does not floor a frigid game is David Burn. Sixteen pairs played the prestigious Welsh Invitational Pairs last weekend and David, partnered by Nick Sandqvist, won easily.

Here I sit, in hot, sunny, glorious France, pretending to be on holiday but feigning lots of headaches so I can nip up to my computer. BBO is showing the second World Mind Games which started last Friday in Lille. In each Group the 16 teams play a complete Round Robin and the top four qualify for the play-offs. England got off to a slow start in both the Open and Women’s Series but hopefully they can pull back some of the magic they generated in the recent European Championships and qualify for the next stage. Happily our ‘Oldies’ are leading their group and appear guaranteed to go through.

No one could have been more of an Olympic moaner than me. The past two-year countdown has left me seething with rage and resentment as we were asked totally to change our lives and basically stay home so that the dignitaries could whisk through London. Then came Danny Boyle’s Opening Ceremony and it seems the whole world was charmed, me included. So home I am staying and reading bridge! This technique was described by Terence Reese — an Olympian if ever there was one — over 50 years ago. Today’s hand was played by David Herman at Rubber Bridge and will serve as an example, but the technique can be used in numerous situations. West led the ♠2 and dummy’s Queen held the trick.

Some bridge tournaments take everything you’ve got and then some. The emotional output is as extreme as the most demanding, turbulent relationship and you stagger home needing urgent hospital care. Then there are some that are great bridge but not life or death. And then there is Biarritz. A cracking holiday with a bit of bridge attached. The most fun is the teams event which is split into two sections — Main and Handicap — which gives everyone a chance of success. Extra points are given to non-professional players and this year the Handicap was won by my friend Jonathan Harris’s team. Jonathan played with Steve Capal and his wife Jenny played with Andrew Sobell. East’s first double was unsound — why not just take the money?

As Susanna reported last week, England’s amazing Ladies Team took Gold in the European Championships having led virtually from the first board. It was Nicola Smith’s seventh title, moving her into third place on the all-time list and a fourth title for Sally Brock and Heather Dhondy. Special mention must go to the ‘youngsters’ — Susan Stockdale and Fiona Brown, who won their first title and led the Butler with an astonishing performance. A great team and a great result. Today’s hand had an interesting twist. It was played by the young Bulgarian Julian Stefanov who came up with a rather clever ruse to try and guarantee his contract — which rather confused me I must admit. West led the ♥J, and declarer went into the tank.

The 51st European Championships, which are being played in Dublin, started last week, and at the time of writing England are doing brilliantly in all three classes: Open, Ladies and Seniors. Very sadly, Alexander Allfrey and his partner, the incomparable Andrew Robson, one of our pairs in the Open, had to pull out and reserves Tom Townsend and David Bakhshi stepped in. One of the first times I played against Tom was at rubber bridge, where I found myself sitting against him on today’s hand. I lost a lot of money when Tom, technically one of the greatest players I have ever met, brought home this grand slam, but in terms of learning it was invaluable.  Tom ruffed my lead of the ♥A and cashed two rounds of trumps.