Janet de Botton

If you are allergic to wasp stings, may I give you a word of advice? Keep away from them! Don’t hang around. Don’t flap your arms. Just leave the vicinity quickly and quietly. I wish I had shared these words of wisdom with Artur, my partner in Patrick Jourdain’s highly enjoyable Welsh Invitational Pairs last weekend, before he got stung and had to rush himself to hospital for an injection! The valiant Mike Hirst stepped in as substitute. Thanks, Mike! My teammates, David Burn and Nick Sandqvist, won the event for the second year running — the first time the double has been achieved. Nick claims that David was red-hot the whole weekend, and offered me this piece of inspirational play from the vastly experienced Burn.

Holiday over – and I hopped on the plane home dribbling with excitement. I was going straight to Young Chelsea to play the Friday night IMPs duplicate with my Polish friend, whose unpronounceable name has metamorphosed into Saucepan. It was heaven to be back, even though we did not exactly shine — unlike Tim Gauld. Many years ago, there was a BOL’s Bridge Tip called ‘Save the Deuce’, the principle being that you should take care to keep the lowest card in a long suit, in order to be able to decide who wins the last round of it. Tim must have been thinking of it when he played this brilliant defence against Saucepan’s 3NT: Tim, sitting West, led the ♦9, which was won by declarer’s King when East played low.

Two weeks of watching the 2nd World Mind Sports have come to an end and I feel rather like I did after the last episode of The Killing. Bereft. The English Ladies proved that, with the help of a drop of lavender oil, they are the undisputed Queens of the World, taking both European and World Gold Medals within two months of each other. Sweden won the Open title and, for me, pair of the tournament goes to Peter Bertheau and Per-Ola Cullin. In the quarter final Sweden played USA and they doubled the mighty Meckwell in 4NT, taking it SEVEN off and knocking them out of the tournament. But it was the final, against Poland, that brought the biggest thrills. Here is a pivotal hand, with Bertheau bidding like a world star — albeit possibly a World Poker Star!

If jealousy is measured in twinges my twinge-o-meter has gone viral. On my self-imposed sabbatical, otherwise known as a holiday, I was painfully aware, day after day, that I was missing the Brighton Bridgefest. Ten days of pairs, teams and midnight speedballs while I ‘relax’. Ouch. Twingeing again. The last event is the hugely popular Swiss Teams where the top 16 teams qualify to play the prestigious A and B finals, and everyone else plays a consolation Swiss. My regular partner, Artur Malinowski, playing with 90-year-old wunderkind Bernard Teltscher, sailed into the A final (ouch!) with Bernard’s son Mark and Tom Townsend as their teammates.

We all need time off from our addictions and August is my annual holiday and break from bridge. One of the best tournaments I have had to give up is the Chairman’s Cup in Sweden. Of course I watch on BBO but it only makes it harder to be out of the action. This year’s final was between a strong Polish team and the Swedish stalwarts Bjerregaard/Morath and Ostberg/Bjaring. The Swedes were down 45 IMPs with 16 boards to play. All over? Of course not! Sweden outscored their opponents by 74-1 in those last boards to win by 38! Here is the final big swing. At the first table the Swedish E/W had missed game, playing in 3♠ and making the obvious overtrick. They couldn’t have imagined it would bring in 13 IMPs!

Friday 19 July saw Young Chelsea’s last duplicate at the old premises in Barkston Gardens. And what a swell party it was! Sold out with two weeks to go, 30 pairs took part in a quiz, the famous Friday night IMPs duplicate, and a midnight speedball. Everyone who is anyone has played at YC on a Friday night — even Bill Gates turned up when he was in London! The dupe was won by Paul ‘Pablo’ Casselle and Paula Leslie with a massive 70+ score. Here is the formidable Paula making a contract that many didn’t manage quite so deftly: Paula received the normal ♣J lead against her normal 3 NT contract, and when East discarded a heart on the first round it gave a huge insight into the distribution of the cards.

Tor Helness, the Norwegian-born superstar who now plays for Monaco, partnering his wife Gunn in the European Mixed Teams, had a total meltdown and stormed out when she let through 3NT. As you would. When he stormed back in she informed him that he would be playing the rest of the tournament with their (female) teammate as she couldn’t take him any longer. And off they went to play their match and convened for scoring up. ‘She played like a magician,’ he gushed as Gunn’s jaw hit the floor. ‘For once I could totally relax putting dummy down.’ I would have shot him! Here, on the other hand, is my partner, Saint Artur of Malinowski, playing Teams with me in Biarritz. Look, it was hot, I had been sitting in the sun, and clearly I was unfit to play.

What a week! Ostend by the sea was host to this year’s European Championships which kicked off with two mixed events (pairs and teams). I arrived on Friday and went straight to the playing area. Who was the first person I ran into? My favourite column buddy, Susanna! For the next week we hung out like teenagers, with teenagers, laughed, drank, stayed up late — and played bridge. What could be more thrilling? Of course the mixed events are always a rollercoaster of emotions, and this year was no exception. One of the best players in the world walked out when his wife let through 3NT! Sadly, too much partying does not a great tournament make, but you can’t have everything.

Last week I was glued to BBO, watching the US trials to select the two teams who will represent America in the Bermuda Bowl in Bali later this year. All the best players were competing and it was fascinating to see the extraordinary events unfold. USA 1, and outright winners, is the relatively unknown Kranyak team, average age around 30, who stormed their way to victory on a four-man team, crushing the mighty Nickell, Fleisher and Diamond teams along the way. What was the secret of their success? The consensus is that it is due in some part to their relative youth. They are absolutely fearless! This hand came up in the final against Fleisher and earned them a vulnerable game swing: In the closed room South overcalled 2NT with a bare minimum and an inflexible spade holding.

Another long weekend, another bridge tournament. This time in Bournemouth where the groupetto and I decided to go for the Monday teams event. We all piled excitedly into the car, buckets and spades at the ready, and hurtled down the M3 full of optimism and bonhomie. Needless to say that didn’t last long. The arguments over system started after about ten minutes and I went straight to sleep. We didn’t win but were in contention, which is always exciting. Today’s hand concerns honour doubleton combinations, and the more experienced you are the more likely you are to know when to play the honour early to avoid getting endplayed. I am certainly super-wary near the end of the game, when I am dreading getting thrown in and looking a total muppet. Again.

If you are a regular reader of this column — do I have a regular reader who did not actually give birth to me? — you may remember that a couple of weeks ago no one could have felt sorrier for themselves than moi. We had been knocked out of every competition you could think of and a few you couldn’t. Well, I have one thing to say to you, my regular reader: a good moan helps! Last weekend we trouped off to Stratford-upon-Avon, more in hope than expectation, to play Britain’s Premier Congress, the Schapiro Spring Foursomes. We plodded on. And on. And on. And finally we won! As I said — A Good Moan Helps. On this hand, Nick Sandqvist had the pleasure of pulling a fast one on one of his ex-partners.

Bridge. What a heartbreaker. Just when you think all is well with the world you come spectacularly unstuck. OK, maybe a tad dramatic, but it doesn’t feel like it. First we played the Crockford’s semi-final — and lost. Then we played round 3 of the Gold Cup — and lost again. Since then nothing has gone right. Every match is a battle and every decision turns out wrong. What can I tell you? I’m suffering. Last weekend we played Derek and Celia Oram and Peter and Dee Linden in our Gold Cup match and despite some opportunities, failed to get them out of their comfort zone. That’s my excuse anyway!

How do you stand on reunions? I always thought nothing on earth would get me to one but you live and learn. School reunions were the biggest no-no — who wants to see what they’d look like if they hadn’t spent a freaking fortune on themselves and deprived themselves of food most of their life? But last weekend I was summoned to a family reunion and it was heaven. At the end of all the celebrations, the laughter, the tears, the compliments, the drunken maudlin hugs, a core group of Bridgies found each other and stayed up late discussing hands. Apart from ability, style is the great divider. There was a lot of ‘What do you bid’ examples and I came up with this hand from the Easter Pairs Championship, played against a multiple world champ.

Where did you spend Easter? Skiing in some magical snowy wonderland, sipping schnapps and ladling down the fondue? On a gourmet tour somewhere, sampling the local delicacies and washing them down with copious amounts of plonk? Me? I was at the Royal National Hotel in Russell Square playing the Easter Guardian along with hundreds of other bridge addicts, and having a whale of a time! There are three different tournaments to play over the four days of Easter and my favourite is the teams. This year 70 teams competed and the winners were Glyn Liggins and Joe Fawcett playing with their wives, Gillian Salt and Sarah Waddington. Congratulations to them.

The London Metropolitan Bridge Association’s annual Swiss Teams’ Tournament, which attracted 35 teams, was won in style by Roger O’Shea, ably assisted by most of the Hackett family. There are a number of situations in bridge where we can’t afford to hesitate, or we’d give the game away. The only thing to rely on in these circumstances is the experience we have gained over the years. Multiple World Champion Paul Hackett has more experience than most of us put together, and here he made use of a good rule of thumb: if you’re offered a chance to over-ruff, it’s often right to refuse. The fireworks started early (see diagram). This was only the second board of the event. Paul was sitting West and his lead of a top spade was ruffed in dummy.

Terry Hewett’s annual charity bonanza, Night of the Stars, has become THE charity event of the year and has made Terry the true star. This year she auctioned off 43 bridge stars, raising well over £40,000 for four charities, and gave us all a fabulous evening to boot! This year’s tournament was won by Jeremy Dhondy playing with the outgoing Chairman of the EBU, Sally Bugden. Look at the formidable Jeremy in action here: Maybe Sally overbid with 3♦ (I would have done the same) but if she hadn’t there wouldn’t be a story to tell. West led the ♠10 and declarer had a lot to do. It’s usually right to set up the side suit first, so Jeremy won the Ace of Spades and called for a top Diamond, won by East’s Ace.

Professional bridge players should not need motivating, but the fact is that sometimes it would appear they are sleepwalking and need a veritable kick up the backside. Our latest Gold Cup match against my friend Jon Vos was a case in point. Jon had been less than compulsive/obsessive about informing his team of the arrangements with the result that one of the opponents was 90 minutes late, and we were awarded a 24 IMP head start. That was our high spot, and as the match wore on the IMPs drifted and drifted until, with one set to play, we found ourselves behind. A wake-up call was needed. Apparently it is called the ‘hairdryer treatment’, but whatever name you give it, it worked. A lot of hot air was expelled by moi and in we went for the final eight boards.

Max, my adorable son-in-law, knew early on he was not cut out for a life of academia. Nevertheless he fearlessly sat an A-level, after which, exhausted, he went on holiday. On the day the results were due, he phoned his doting mother and asked her to open the letter when it came and tell him the good news. ‘Max,’ she said excitedly, ‘You’ve got a U! What does it mean?’ ‘U means Unbelievable, Mum,’ he told her, whereupon she almost burst with pride! In the recent TGR’s Auction Pairs, the very academic Barry Myers came a strong third playing with Turkey’s Mustafa Cem Tokay, whom he met an hour before the tournament.

It took more than total white-out and Heathrow closing its doors to deter 200 avid bridge players from making their way to Hinckley for the National Swiss Teams, probably the most popular event in the EBU calendar. The format is two days playing 13 matches and the best team usually wins. This year the best team was led by the nicest man in the room, Martin Jones, who was ahead from almost the first match and never wavered. Martin played with Neil Rosen and their teammates were Michael Byrne and Duncan Happer, all of whom must have played a blinder as they stormed to victory.

Here is my eagerly awaited New Year’s List of the most infuriating things partner can do: 1. Bid ridiculously to game, get doubled, go for a telephone number and say: ‘Sorry, partner, I could have made that.’ 2. Double the opps into game, and when it makes, as it ALWAYS does, say ‘Sorry, partner, I could have beaten it.’ 3. Balance in pass-out seat when the opps have stopped in a part score, get doubled and go for 500. Or 800. Or 1,100. These things happen so regularly that they have become a standing joke, not to mention the butt of my most withering sarcasm. But for once my team resisted any deeply clever moves in the Teams’ Tournament at the Year End — and won!