Gareth Roberts

The outcome of the Prime Minister’s make-or-break speech yesterday morning was never really in any doubt, was it? It’s break. Did anybody except Keir Starmer himself think it could possibly win the nation over? He is, after all, one of the weakest of the country’s public speakers, whose attempts at warmth, sincerity and human feeling lack the easy bonhomie of a supermarket self-checkout. Keir’s speech merely reinforced all his bad qualities, reminding us of his unique ability to make our blood boil while simultaneously boring us to tears. Yes, Burnham is more likeable than Keir Starmer, and seems more like a human being – but then, so is Davros In such dire circumstances, it is natural and understandable that Labour would start to think longingly of alternatives.

Reform in No. 10? As the prospect gets more likely, the hand-wringing gets more theatrical. Should Reform somehow form the next government, we are told, Britain will descend into a dystopian ‘far-right’ nightmare of book-burnings, jackboots and midnight raids. Heavy words are thrown about very lightly: fascist, authoritarian, and my new favourite ‘post-democratic’. The real problem is not this name-calling. It is the scale of what Reform would have to do, just to shepherd the country back to its relatively sane status of 1996 This is, of course, nonsense. With Farage as PM, the world will not end. Britain will not become some kind of Fourth Reich.

It is a part of the human lot that we lug about feelings of doubt, regret and guilt. We carry our sins about like suitcases. Well, okay, maybe not quite all of us. Contrary to both scripture and psychology, there are people who struggle under a quite different burden – the sheer moral goodness of their spotless souls. I’m talking, of course, about Labour MPs. The insufferable moral superiority of Labour – and indeed many progressives of all stripes – can be very hard to digest for the vast remainder of flawed humanity. The shining ethical beacon that is Keir Starmer is almost too bright to behold with the mortal eye.

Mind your language! There has recently been another smattering of incidents featuring accusations of inappropriate choice of words, or even just the wrong tone. I think it’s worth taking a closer look at some of these for what they reveal about our hang-ups, the tender areas of our discourse. What makes us wince? What is considered appropriate, and what isn’t? On last week’s Edition podcast, former Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams spoke of there being something ‘demonic’ about the current political culture of the US. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth’s ‘rhetoric about the violent obliteration of enemies’ strikes him as ‘diabolical’ – and of course Trump’s recent threat that ‘an entire civilisation will end’ (it didn’t).

When I woke up yesterday morning, almost the first thing I saw was the announcement that Keir Starmer was to address the nation imminently. Despite the seriousness of the situation in the Middle East, I’m afraid my first thought was ‘Nah, we’re all right, don’t put yourself out Keir mate’, although possibly not quite so politely expressed. Because lecternmania – the getting out of that little prime ministerial podium to speak to the people of Britain – has gone too far. I do wish our beloved leaders would stop it.

The enormous fun of Crufts has reminded us that Britain is a nation of dog lovers. Or maybe we’re kidding ourselves? Because policy documents on the Green party website reveal that they are ‘opposed to the wholesale breeding, manipulation and destruction of those animals who are chosen as companions to the human race’. What marvellously grandiose language! The next time I give the cat a treat I shall cackle evilly about choosing it as my companion for wholesale manipulation. The Greens continue: ‘We will introduce measures to regulate the care and conditions for such animals, including a two-tier system of dog-licensing (breeding and non-breeding), licensing of all animal breeders and dog owners.

Reform has topped every national poll for a good long while – benefitting, as the Greens also have and the Lib Dems haven’t (because there are limits), from a combination of public fatigue and disgust with the two old main parties. But there are other new kids on the right-wing block, both fronted by ex-associates of Nigel Farage and former Reformers. We now have Ben Habib’s Advance and Rupert Lowe’s Restore. First things first. These both sound like team names from The Apprentice. And this is fitting, because the kind of spatting, squabbling and blame-throwing that we see in Lord Sugar’s boardroom is now being acted out on the political stage.

As the three-word headline, ‘STARMER BLOCKS BURNHAM’ smashed on to our phone screens on Saturday, I felt I could almost hear the gleeful communal roar across the country; the same kind of Mexican wave of delight that passes through a school canteen when a dinner lady drops a big tray of puddings, a heap of custard and crockery. Labour wars always bring good cheer. In rotten times we have to get our pleasures where we can. In this particular case, any outcome would have been a banter-facilitating outcome. If Starmer had permitted Burnham to stand in the Gorton and Denton by-election, the reaction would have been similar: here we go, here we go, here we go.

With all the talk of Brexit, do you ever get the sense that social media is stuck in 2016? Well, now it really is. A trend has taken off online involving people posting throwback pictures from a decade ago. A Tumblr video captioned ‘Welcome back #2016’ kicked off the nostalgia. It has resulted in a 450 per cent surge in '2016' searches across platforms, as those born between 1997-2002 share photos, songs like Drake's ‘Views’ and Pokemon Go memories. A Tumblr video captioned ‘Welcome back #2016’ kicked off the nostalgia The year 2016 is being described as one in which pop culture peaked. But perhaps the most remarkable thing about those 12 months is how little has changed in the decade since.

The eerie and the uncanny fascinate us, whether it’s the abominable snowman, the Loch Ness monster or the Bermuda Triangle. And now we have another great mystery to puzzle over: why is this Labour government so awful? What is it all for? At the election I was not optimistic about Starmer’s mob, but I allowed myself a brief moment of wondering – even hoping, a bit – that I was wrong. What if Labour actually had the wits and the nerve to jolt Britain out of its decline? It seemed very unlikely, yes, though stranger things have happened. This government is fascinatingly bad, in a way that attracts your wonder at the same as it repels But in the end that wasn’t the case.