Cockburn

In there like skincare President Trump arrived back from the Far East last week with a trade deal or two and an improved relationship with China’s President Xi Jinping. But he’s not the only one benefiting from his visit. A significant chunk of the White House press corps took advantage of the trip to APEC to stock up on sought-after Korean skincare products. “I brought back two face washes, a cream and a hundred masks,” one producer told Cockburn. “Via Google Translate, I asked the workers at a skincare store called Olive Young for some of their favorite products – they showed me this cream, they said it’s very popular in South Korea.” The ROK is “the Turkey of skincare,” she added.

A warning to anyone who dares question the efficacy of America’s relentless war machine: Laura Loomer has joined the Pentagon press corps. Her outlet, “Loomered,” is now credentialed, after she agreed to Pete Hegseth’s restrictive reporting rules. Not that those would have stopped her, she tweeted this morning. She’s already spent a good part of this year “rooting out deceptive and disloyal bad actors from the Department of War.” “There is no denying that my investigative reporting has had a massive impact on the landscape of personnel decisions within the Executive Branch, our intelligence agencies and the Pentagon,” Loomer wrote, humbly.

It’s happened again, it’s happened again… What’s the scariest thing about America right now? Creeping authoritarianism? The looming Socialist Republic of New York? “The enemy within?” For Cockburn, who draws from a never-ending well of Dutch courage, the answer is nothing. Perhaps the White House’s Halloween reception might offer him further insight into the more macabre side of the nation. The US Air Force Band greeted your correspondent as he walked along the Presidential Hall of Fame, past the paved “Rose Garden Club” and onto the South Lawn. They offered a soundtrack of film and TV scores – the best of Bernard Herrmann and John Williams – as well as the obligatory Bach.

The Karine humiliation routine The media is piling on former Biden press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre’s “tell-some-but-not-all” memoir Independent. Matt Taibbi called the book “incoherent,” which is to be expected, but check out this from the Washington Post’s reviewer Becca Rothfeld: “It is incredible – and emblematic of the Democrats’ total aesthetic and intellectual driftlessness – that someone who writes in such feel-good, thought-repelling clichés was hired to communicate with the nation from its highest podium.” KJP then took a call from the New Yorker’s Isaac Chotiner, who’s savaged many intellects far greater than hers.

Build me up President Trump, like many of his forebears, is remaking the White House in his own image. The Donald has just finished giving a speech to Republican senators at the “Rose Garden Club” – which he paved over earlier in the year. As he told Cockburn’s colleague Ben Domenech back in February, “We had the press here yesterday. Do you see the women there? They’re going crazy. The grass was wet. Their heels are going right through the grass, like four inches deep.” Today Trump talked about his latest redevelopment: “We’re building a world-class ballroom,” he told the crowd. “For 150 years they’ve wanted a ballroom... the government is paying for nothing.

Tucker time In the month since his death, Charlie Kirk has been credited for his role as a unifying figure on the American right. Nowhere was that more evident than at the Tuesday afternoon service posthumously awarding him the Presidential Medal of Honor, where four hosts of Fox News’s prestigious 8 p.m. slot posed for a photo together: Jesse Watters, Glenn Beck, Bill O‘Reilly and Tucker Carlson. Tucker also got a picture with Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham – incredible considering how acrimoniously things ended between him, his former network and a number of his other high-profile colleagues. (Carlson branded Hannity a “warmonger” as recently as June.

President Trump prevented World War Three yesterday, or so he claimed multiple times. “No one wants World War Three,” he said. Fact check: true. Trump and many of the world’s finest leaders gathered behind a large, tacky but also touching sign that read “Peace 2025.” Italy’s Giorgia Meloni also attended the summit. Trump called her “beautiful,” saying that in the US calling a woman beautiful could mean the “end of your political career.” Fact check: true. “I’ll take my chances,” Trump said. Cockburn enjoyed the day’s festivities, which featured enough comic moments to fill a season of The Office.

Nothing beats a Jet2 holiday Washington is ten days into the government shutdown, and the Republicans and Democrats remain at loggerheads. Members are accosting each other in the corridors of power – in front of a gawking media, naturally – and challenging their adversaries to debate on TV shows. The impression our leaders are trying to give us is that they are working hard to reach a solution to the impasse. The same can’t be said for admin officials: Cockburn understands a large swathe have taken the opportunity to head off on vacation – and are doing their best to ensure they don’t post any pictures. (As ever, if you’ve spotted a secretary soaking in the sunshine, let Cockburn know at cockburn@thespectator.com.

Congresswoman Maxine Dexter of Oregon, who once briefly went viral for saying we have to “fuck Trump,” has posted a cringey video of a gray-haired Portland ukelele orchestra playing and singing the most off-key version of “This Land Is Your Land” imaginable. “Portland is not a military target,” the caption reads. Ah, but it is, and for good reason. Armed leftist radicals have firebombed a courthouse and are regularly attacking an ICE facility. Residents at the Multnomah County Plaid Shirt Senior Center may not see that on MSNBC (soon to be MS NOW!) or in their daily Heather Cox Richardson newsletter, but it’s happening.

With the federal government shut down indefinitely, paychecks are going to be light or non-existent around DC, putting disposable income at a premium. Businesses in the Capital are stepping into the breach with the greatest array of discounts in memory. Cockburn will do his best to take advantage of them with his fake government ID. He wonders if anyone will realize he’s not actually “Rashida Tlaib.” Some of Cockburn’s favorite DC spots are bringing items back to 2010-ish prices. The legendary Tune Inn will offer $4 Lemon Drop “Shutdown Shots,” $8 two-cheese Bipartisan Melt with French fries, and $7 “Gridlock Nachos” from 2 p.m. to 8 p.m. Furlough Fizzes for everyone!