Cockburn

Build me up President Trump, like many of his forebears, is remaking the White House in his own image. The Donald has just finished giving a speech to Republican senators at the “Rose Garden Club” – which he paved over earlier in the year. As he told Cockburn’s colleague Ben Domenech back in February, “We had the press here yesterday. Do you see the women there? They’re going crazy. The grass was wet. Their heels are going right through the grass, like four inches deep.” Today Trump talked about his latest redevelopment: “We’re building a world-class ballroom,” he told the crowd. “For 150 years they’ve wanted a ballroom... the government is paying for nothing.

Tucker time In the month since his death, Charlie Kirk has been credited for his role as a unifying figure on the American right. Nowhere was that more evident than at the Tuesday afternoon service posthumously awarding him the Presidential Medal of Honor, where four hosts of Fox News’s prestigious 8 p.m. slot posed for a photo together: Jesse Watters, Glenn Beck, Bill O‘Reilly and Tucker Carlson. Tucker also got a picture with Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham – incredible considering how acrimoniously things ended between him, his former network and a number of his other high-profile colleagues. (Carlson branded Hannity a “warmonger” as recently as June.

President Trump prevented World War Three yesterday, or so he claimed multiple times. “No one wants World War Three,” he said. Fact check: true. Trump and many of the world’s finest leaders gathered behind a large, tacky but also touching sign that read “Peace 2025.” Italy’s Giorgia Meloni also attended the summit. Trump called her “beautiful,” saying that in the US calling a woman beautiful could mean the “end of your political career.” Fact check: true. “I’ll take my chances,” Trump said. Cockburn enjoyed the day’s festivities, which featured enough comic moments to fill a season of The Office.

Nothing beats a Jet2 holiday Washington is ten days into the government shutdown, and the Republicans and Democrats remain at loggerheads. Members are accosting each other in the corridors of power – in front of a gawking media, naturally – and challenging their adversaries to debate on TV shows. The impression our leaders are trying to give us is that they are working hard to reach a solution to the impasse. The same can’t be said for admin officials: Cockburn understands a large swathe have taken the opportunity to head off on vacation – and are doing their best to ensure they don’t post any pictures. (As ever, if you’ve spotted a secretary soaking in the sunshine, let Cockburn know at cockburn@thespectator.com.

Congresswoman Maxine Dexter of Oregon, who once briefly went viral for saying we have to “fuck Trump,” has posted a cringey video of a gray-haired Portland ukelele orchestra playing and singing the most off-key version of “This Land Is Your Land” imaginable. “Portland is not a military target,” the caption reads. Ah, but it is, and for good reason. Armed leftist radicals have firebombed a courthouse and are regularly attacking an ICE facility. Residents at the Multnomah County Plaid Shirt Senior Center may not see that on MSNBC (soon to be MS NOW!) or in their daily Heather Cox Richardson newsletter, but it’s happening.

With the federal government shut down indefinitely, paychecks are going to be light or non-existent around DC, putting disposable income at a premium. Businesses in the Capital are stepping into the breach with the greatest array of discounts in memory. Cockburn will do his best to take advantage of them with his fake government ID. He wonders if anyone will realize he’s not actually “Rashida Tlaib.” Some of Cockburn’s favorite DC spots are bringing items back to 2010-ish prices. The legendary Tune Inn will offer $4 Lemon Drop “Shutdown Shots,” $8 two-cheese Bipartisan Melt with French fries, and $7 “Gridlock Nachos” from 2 p.m. to 8 p.m. Furlough Fizzes for everyone!

A word of wisdom for any of the old-guard reporters planning on picking a fight with the new media in the White House Briefing Room: Cara Castronuova, of Lindell TV, was once ranked second in the country at super-bantamweight and has won two bouts at Madison Square Garden. Mona Austin, of the “100% woman and Black-owned’ Slice, competed with the former boxer during a gaggle with Steve Witkoff by the Palm Room doors yesterday and refused to budge, saying “I don’t want to be on reality TV.” A brouhaha ensued. “There was lots of yelling, it was very uncomfortable,” one hack told Cockburn. Who needs UFC on the South Lawn when you can have boxing by the Palm Room doors?

Muntadhar al-Zaidi, the man who once threw a shoe at George W. Bush during a press conference, posted a gym selfie on X the other day. Cockburn is here to tell you that the man is yoked. “Have a nice day” indeed, Muntadhar!“This is a farewell kiss from the Iraqi people, you dog,” al-Zaidi shouted at Bush in 2008, before throwing his shoe. He subsequently spent nine months behind bars. After a release for good behavior, he said he intended to start a foundation that would “build orphanages, a children’s hospital, and medical and orthopedic centers offering free treatment and manned by Iraqi doctors and medical staff.”That doesn’t appear to have happened. Al-Zaidi also ran, unsuccessfully, for public office in Iraq in 2018.

One of President Trump’s unique gifts is that he can simultaneously hold two truths to be self-evident. That’s how the White House managed to send out a press release yesterday with the headline “FACT: Evidence Suggests Link Between Acetaminophen, Autism.” Cockburn supposes it’s fact that evidence “suggests,” but it’s really just bet-hedging. Concurrently, Trump manages to present himself as the great preserver of classical architecture and American tradition, yet is on the verge of unveiling a gaudy “Presidential Walk of Fame” on the White House Colonnade.

Looking for a good time, sweet’eart? Team Trump is back in Washington today after their sojourn to Britain for a state visit. The President took to the Old Country with the gusto of an American girl on study abroad: castles, royals, knights, fancy dinners, all the pageantry. “I saw more paintings than any human being has ever saw, and statues,” he gushed to the press pool on the flight back. He even managed to dodge the most difficult question in his joint press conference with Prime Minister Keir Starmer, flatly claiming “I don’t know him, actually,” of ousted UK ambassador Peter Mandelson, who was fired over new revelations of his ties to Jeffrey Epstein.

Luigi’s mansion It’s money well-spent for those who contributed to Luigi Mangione’s million-dollar defense fund. Two state terrorism charges against the accused CEO-killer have been thrown out by a New York judge today, including a first-degree murder charge which could have landed Mangione in prison for life. Judge Gregory Carro ruled that, despite the ideological motive behind Mangione’s alleged actions – a sort of “eat-the-rich” philosophy which has made him a grotesque folk hero for many on the far left – a murder committed for ideological reasons isn’t necessarily terrorism.