Twitter

In 2009, Twitter formalized a caste system. Notable users could apply for verification, earning a blue check next to their names. This was meant to stop malicious impersonators from adopting their identities. Oddly enough, one person who prompted this move was Kanye West, who had criticized “losers making fake Kanye West Twitter accounts.” Clarifying the identities of users was a valid aim. Still, it introduced class conflict. As Twitter acknowledged when controversy erupted after alt-right organizer Jason Kessler earned verification, being given a blue check was “interpreted as an endorsement or an indicator of importance.” An indicator of importance! Of course, that was obvious when it came to Barack Obama or Taylor Swift.

Before the internet, the town square was a weirder place. True believers — from those concerned about fluoride to those dedicated to stopping gay frogs — had to put in the work. There were cardboard boxes and Sharpies to procure in order to make signage. A milk crate wasn't necessary, but it did elevate the speaker above his audience. It was not a desk gig. People had to get up and hit the corner from morning until some point in the evening, blasting out their gospel to whoever passed by and, perhaps, stopped to listen. Those early content creators had angles. Some sang or played guitar. Others simply testified. Regardless, they were the righteous, willing to sacrifice time and effort for their art. Then Twitter happened.

Elon Musk has been at Twitter's helm for barely twelve hours and he is already causing havoc. Musk took over the site on Thursday night — and by the looks of it, he wasted no time. The new boss immediately fired several top executives, including CEO Parag Agrawal, CFO Ned Segal and head of legal policy, trust and safety Vijaya Gadde. Then he posted, "the bird is freed." A source told Fox Business that the billionaire accused Agrawal, Segal and Gadde of misleading him over the number of bots on the site. Cockburn had a scan over the platform to see what people were saying about the takeover, and all is… not well. Some posters are reacting to what, in the soberest terms, is a change in leadership at a website as if it were The End of the Free World As We Know It.

In Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Ron Weasley uses a levitation spell to knock a troll unconscious. On Thursday evening, his creator J.K. Rowling repeated the feat on Twitter. The world's most highly paid author was asked how she slept at night, "knowing you’ve lost a whole audience from buying your books?" “I read my most recent royalty cheques and find the pain goes away pretty quickly,” she replied. https://twitter.com/jk_rowling/status/1580639051774054404 Now, Cockburn has always been a fan of J.K. Rowling, but her recent years on the right side of the culture war has seen her find a new audience, consisting of people with common sense.

Cockburn was shocked and saddened to learn of Queen Elizabeth II's death on Twitter this morning. Until he realized the tweet’s author was Louise Mensch, noted liberal conspiracy theorist. As journalists the world over hover over their keyboards, Mensch, a former British MP, just went for it. She then did what the left does best: rewrote the narrative by deleting her tweet and blaming it on someone else. Thankfully, notes Cockburn, the internet is forever: The WSJ? Cockburn can't help but think this is really all the fault of the Marshal of the Supreme Court. Mensch may have been jumped the gun, but then her tweet was far from the most offensive of the day.

Did you spend any time on Twitter last weekend? If not, you missed a good one. Apparently Anne Frank had white privilege. Yes, that Anne Frank. The Jewish girl murdered by Nazis at the age of 15. TMZ reports that it’s “[u]nclear how this toxic discourse first started,” but the gist is that “Jews had the benefit of their skin color to go unnoticed in public, if only temporarily, during that bleak time in history,” while “POC, historically, haven't been able to do so.” Which, of course, explains why Anne Frank spent her days in Amsterdam strolling openly along the canals, playing Cupid for cancer-stricken teens and blasting Justin Bieber’s latest album through her earbuds. Oh wait. A few examples: @Ka1zoku_Qu0d: “yeah Anne Frank had white privilege.

Coming out isn’t easy. It especially isn’t easy when you have to sit your wife and five children down and reveal that you are, in fact, an incel. I’m not sure which orphanage to send the children to, but I’m sure they’ll understand that that the screeching Bezos-funded blue checks on Twitter know what they’re talking about. Here’s what happened: I tweeted what turned out to be an old joke on Wednesday June 1. “Every girl is bi,” it said. “You just have to figure out if it’s polar or sexual.” I thought it was the perfect little bit of wordplay to end the first day of Pride Month. And the internet agreed. I’ve had a couple of banger tweets go far in the past. When you have a small account like mine, it’s nice when one passes 1,000 likes.