Satire

As a child, I was horrifyingly oblivious to what it meant to be a white male. I ignorantly assumed that skin color should never be an issue. I went around treating everyone the same regardless of gender or race. I look back on those days now and cringe. Thank goodness I ‘woke up’ so to speak! I was lucky to grow up on a moderately large 20,000-acre estate in a 23-bedroom Georgian house which had been in my family for at least six hundred years. For the first few years of my life, I was blissfully unaware of my standing within society. This glorious childhood utopia did not last long. At the tender age of 12, I watched a film which put it all into perspective: Ratatouille. I remember the impact this movie had on me as if it were yesterday. My mind was awash with confusion.

Hello Mr Trump, After reading Uri Geller’s Facebook post urging Theresa May to cancel Brexit or face his mental wrath, I have been spending the past three days learning to harness the power of my mind in order to deal you a devastating psychic blow. Make no mistake about my dedication to this, in order to prepare myself I have read the following books: Uri Geller’s Little Book of Mind Power, Discover How to Develop Your Hidden Powers by Derek Acorah, and Carrie by Stephen King. I also watched The Craft and a David Blaine DVD one of my friends had acquired from a charity shop for 30p, during which, the plastic spoon I was using to eat my yoghurt definitely bent slightly. I think this adequately demonstrates to you the potential of my powers.

In the UK, leading far-right figure Tommy Robinson Yaxley Lennon has had his Paypal closed down, his Twitter account banned and, most recently, his Instagram and Facebook accounts removed. Very much like in the US last year when probable white supremacist Alex Jones had his Twitter, Facebook and YouTube shut down, or when Facebook did a cull of almost 600 US political pages before the 2018 midterm elections. As usual, the tinfoil hat-wearing alt-right Nazis are crying out that free speech is under threat. This ridiculous overreaction always makes me laugh. These people have no idea what free speech is. They assume that freedom of speech means you are free to say whatever you want without severe consequences! Imagine that?!

Jussie Smollett told authorities he was attacked on January 29 by two men who were ‘yelling out racial and homophobic slurs.’ He went on to claim that one attacker had put a noose around his neck and poured an unknown chemical substance on him. Since this was first reported, so-called ‘evidence’ has emerged to suggest that the attack was possibly staged, with Smollett knowing his ‘attackers’ before the event, and that he even went so far as to pay them. Now, the drama surrounding this seems a complex one, but it’s really very simple. Even if he did stage the attack himself, it’s still valid. Jussie Smollett is a busy man. He does not have time to wait around idly for genuine homophobic racists to jump him in the street.

Last night, as I was safely tucked up in bed with a kale smoothie, I was visited by three apparitions, each one determined to change my outlook on the toxic nature of Chr*stm*s. The first ghost appeared at midnight, a shimmering androgynous specter floating in front of my window. ‘Godfrey Elfwick, I am here to show you the error of your ways. Come with me on a journey into your past...’ they said, proffering me a semi-transparent hand. ‘Erm, excuse me, what are your pronouns?’ I inquired respectfully. ‘I’m sorry what?’ was the answer. ‘Well, do you prefer to be referred to as he, she, they, xe, xie, ze, ve, yo...’ As I listed all 592 currently available pronouns, I could see the spirit’s eyes begin to glaze over, and so I took hold of their hand.