Satire

I was scrolling through the ‘Woke AF’ Twitter list I created on my account in order to help me keep up-to-date with some of the most influential minds of my generation this week. My attention was piqued by a tweet from Jameela Jamil; British actress, radio presenter, model, writer and most importantly, feminist activist. On Friday she had written:‘Receiving THOUSANDS of messages about how I made a mistake having an abortion 7 years ago and how I must be a miserable person... I am in fact a happy, thriving multi millionaire, madly in love, with free time, good sleep and a wonderful career and life.

Once again brave trans activist Jessica Yaniv has hit the headlines after she was refused an examination by a gynecologist. When will this hateful persecution of trans women end? Yaniv tweeted on Tuesday: ‘So a gynecologist office that I got referred to literally told me today that ‘we don’t serve transgender patients’. And me, being me, I’m shocked.. and confused... and hurt. Are they allowed to do that, legally? Isn’t that against the college practices.

Every year we are forced to endure a week long festival of capitalist peacocking, as the world’s largest multi-billion-dollar corporations invade our high streets and inboxes. Like a sex-worker gyrating her hips in the window of an Amsterdam brothel, these brazen online stores spare no shame in their attempts to woo me into their banner-bedecked bordellos with ‘tempting offers’ and ‘unmissable deals’. Not that I’m saying sex work is shameful, you understand, it’s an admirable and empowering trade for anyone who has the proficiency for it. But when it comes to spending my wad, the last thing I want is Amazon dot com twerking like a cheap whore in my inbox.

Comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, made a keynote speech today at ADL’s 2019 Never is Now summit, in which he viciously chided the Silicon Valley tech giants for their irresponsible approach to censorship (or rather the lack of it thereof) on their terrifyingly influential social media platforms. Cohen was at the summit to receive the ADL International Leadership Award, and began by making it clear that throughout his career, the aim of his comedy has been to uncover the insidiously passive acceptance of racism and bigotry that lurks within our society.

Hey Gervais, here’s that huge pile of attention you ordered…When ‘Ricky Gervais’ is trending, it’s never for a positive reason. The man is incapable of saying anything kind. On Wednesday he sent out this vile tweet, mocking the trans community: https://twitter.com/rickygervais/status/1189610636344549377 The subject of this violent attack is none other than Jessica Yaniv, a brave Canadian trans activist who recently, tragically lost her case against several beauticians for refusing to wax her balls. She had battled the legal system for months in order to try and bring about a precedent that would legally force women to perform beautifying treatments on trans women’s genitalia.

Halloween is a holiday we all look forward to, and in the correct setting, provides us with many opportunities to express our unique identities. However, it is also a minefield for those of us who have the threat of cultural appropriation looming over us like Harvey Weinstein leering at a casting couch. If you are devoid of progressive sensibilities, you might very well end up stepping on an unseen hazard (because of the minefield metaphor), hearing a brief yet sinister tutting sound, before the devastating explosion of offense erupts around you.

In a devastating put down on Twitter yesterday, Hillary totally slayed like a kween when she responded to a tweet posted by the so-called ‘president’ Donald Trump. As you can see, Hillary beat Trump at the amount of likes her reply to him received by almost 11k! Admittedly after 23 hours, Trump's tweet had garnered more retweets, but seeing as Hillary’s was posted a full five hours AFTER his initial post and, he had the advantage of a head start. My prediction is that by this time tomorrow, Hillary will have bypassed Trump in both likes and retweets, and boy, will he have egg on his face…which for once would account for his orange complexion (because of the yolk, you see).

The UK has been plunged into further chaos under the fascist regime of Boris Johnson. He is our Trump. The similarities between these two dictators are staggering. Boris Johnson is a white male who comes from a privileged background, has an unruly mop of blonde hair, and blue eyes. These three aspects alone, like Drumpf, make him an ideal Aryan Poster Boy for the alt-right. Aside from the physical resemblance, Boris often wears suits along with a shirt and tie. He’s been known to stand in front of a podium and make speeches to large crowds. He uses Twitter. He travels in cars and planes. He appears on television and is often featured in the news. Now, tell me these things are ALL pure coincidence, I honestly dare you.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez held a town hall congress meeting on Thursday in Corona, New York, at the Queens Public Library, during which an alleged constituent stood up and began by expressing her dismay at the current climate crisis, which ended in her shouting, 'We have to start eating the babies!'At first many of us identified with her anguish as she informed those around her that we only have a few months until the planet is destroyed. This is a very real fear for anyone who admires Greta Thunberg, and so I was fully on board with what she was saying. The woman began by telling Ocasio-Cortez how much she admired her dedication to tackling the climate crisis but declared that limiting the use of fossil fuels isn’t enough.

While Greta Thunberg, the 16-year-old climate activist, gave her speech at the UN Climate Summit today, I was being ruthlessly manhandled into a taxi by my parents after a failed attempt to once more sabotage her mission. Greta has long been a foe of mine ever since she messed with my plans to wreak havoc by insisting that my school take part in a strike for climate change awareness. From that day forth I swore vengeance. For every positive eco-friendly change Greta introduces, I have dedicated my time to balancing it out with an equally negative action. Unfortunately my attempt to counteract her latest stunt of sailing to New York in a carbon neutral eco-yacht ended in disaster.

A photograph has been uncovered by TIME magazine which shows the Canadian prime minister attending an 'Arabian Nights'-themed costume gala at the West Point Grey Academy in Vancouver in 2001. Since the photograph came to light, Mr Trudeau has apologized. In a televised news conference on his campaign aircraft, he said: 'I take responsibility for my decision to do that. I shouldn't have done it. I should have known better. It was something that I didn't think was racist at the time, but now I recognize it was something racist to do and I am deeply sorry.' At the time the photograph was taken, Mr Trudeau was a 29-year-old teacher at the academy.

Today, international singing(?) sensation Sam Smith [EDIT: not sure who he is… did he win The X Factor?] announced that from now on they wish to be referred to by the pronouns ‘they/them’. They posted on their Twitter feed: 'After a lifetime of being at war with my gender I’ve decided to change my pronouns to THEY/THEM.' You could almost feel the entire planet heave a sigh of relief. 'Hooray! Hooray!', the Earth’s inhabitants seemed be unwittingly emitting a joyous chorus, 'Sam Smith has changed their pronouns!' Ever since Sam’s birth [I don’t know when that was, but I’ve just remembered seeing him on The Ellen DeGeneres Show and he definitely did a song], each and every one of us have sensed something wrong.