Court

I want to talk about two things in this column: bills of attainder and kangaroo courts. The two often go together. What is a “bill of attainder?” We get the term from English law. A person or persons whom the people in charge don’t like is “attainted.” Forget about due process, presumption of innocence, or any such quaint ideas. Bills of attainder worked through the untrammeled deployment of state power. To be accused was tantamount to being found guilty; common penalties included the abrogation of the right to own property, and, not infrequently, the right to life itself.

After consecutive Supreme Court terms with major rulings on abortion, guns and affirmative action, the justices don’t have anything on the docket now that will roil the culture wars. (The Trump ballot case to be argued as this goes to press will be a small blip.) Instead, this year our black-robed philosopher-kings are doing battle with the administrative state — which Steve Bannon promised to “deconstruct” when Donald Trump took office last go-round. That shouldn’t be surprising; notwithstanding the media trope that Trump “stacked the court” to overrule Roe v. Wade, it was instead potential nominees’ commitments to reining in the bureaucracy that was White House counsel Don McGahn’s focus.

Of all the strange political things that may occur in what will be one of the stranger political years in history, one possibility stands out as the strangest. Donald Trump, who will almost certainly be the Republican presidential nominee, is also facing the possibility of a racketeering conviction that could send him to prison. So, how exactly do you jail a president? Trump’s most fervent opponents may find themselves disappointed. No one’s going to toss the Donald into some American equivalent of the Black Hole of Calcutta. And as much as people might want to shut him up, no one is going to hold him captive in a bare, dark cell with a Hannibal Lecter mask over his face. On the other hand, Trump’s most fervent supporters could find themselves disappointed as well.

Most observers (myself included) expected Hunter Biden’s appearance in a Delaware court today to be a fairly routine affair. The president’s son would show up, plead guilty and get off with a slap on the wrist for tax and gun offenses that deserve far harsher punishment. Instead, a chaotic day ended with the plea deal falling apart, a judge issuing an eyebrow-raising opinion on the terms offered to Hunter, and a not guilty plea from the president’s son.

Team Goop is victorious! In what will undoubtedly go down as the most pressing legal story of the week, Gwyneth Paltrow’s ski crash trial ended with the movie star prevailing over retired optometrist Terry Sanderson. The Wall Street Journal reported that the seventy-six-year-old doctor “sued Ms. Paltrow in 2019, alleging she rammed into him while they were both skiing at Deer Valley Resort in Park City, Utah.” From brain scans to Sanderson’s daughter’s testimony, none of the “evidence” seemed to help his case. But the biggest clue that Paltrow was in the right was the fact that she would fight the case at all. In 2021, the optometrist sued the actress-turned-wellness-guru for $3.1 million.

If you had "Trump goes to jail" in the office pool, you just lost. The end of any possible criminal prosecution out of New York over Donald Trump's finances has come as the grand jury seated to find them has sunsetted. The possibility of a civil penalty, likely a fine, looks poor, but anything is possible. This is all a long way from predictions that the walls were closing in back when these cases were initiated in the Southern District of New York (SDNY). Dems, dragging all their Biden baggage along, are going to have to beat Trump at the ballot box, assuming anyone can afford the gas to drive out to vote.

Bruce Robinson’s 2011 film The Rum Diary, an adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson’s novel, was a critical and financial flop. It’s doubtful anyone would remember it a decade later were it not for one salient feature: it introduced its star Johnny Depp to the actress Amber Heard, leading to what was initially one of the most glamorous romantic pairings in Hollywood. Yet after their separation and divorce, the fallout from their relationship has been immense, waged through a series of ugly and very public court battles that have laid waste to their reputations. After a court defeat in London, in which Depp sued The Sun for defamation after the newspaper called him a wife beater, Depp has now moved onto another expensive and humiliating legal case.

Last week, a district court acquitted two men and deadlocked on two others who were accused of plotting to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. No word yet on which of her Covid restrictions Whitmer will now violate in order to cheer herself up. But the decision was a credit to the jury, which did the right thing in the face of immense pressure. The case against Whitmer's would-be abductors was a crock from the start, a classic instance of the FBI egging on poor saps so it could land an arrest and grab a headline. The spooky right-wing terrorists were nothing of the sort. Their supposed ringleader, a man named Barry Croft, was a heavy pot smoker nicknamed "Bonehead" who caused one FBI investigator to ask "Do these guys even know what's up?