Everyone went to the same school as someone famous. In my case it’s Spider-Man, Tom Holland, who joined my former school about 30 years after I left. Back in the mid-1970s, the most famous old boy was another superhero, Major Pat Reid, who’d been captured by the Germans during the war and briefly imprisoned in Colditz. His bestselling memoir popularised the notorious jail and led to a TV series, an Action Man model and various other spin-offs. He was known as the only man to have escaped from the Nazis and turned it into a board game.
He showed up on sports day, in July 1975, to give us a pep talk and hand out prizes to the school’s top athletes. I wasn’t among them, of course. My great days as a sportsman lay ahead of me. They still do, in fact. For us boys, it was a thrill to hear from this legendary veteran. He was the genuine article. He’d risked his life in a real war and come through unscathed. His record made him far more glamorous and impressive than James Bond, who was regarded as a womanising poseur by anyone who’d worn the uniform between 1939 and 1945. We hoped that Major Reid would delve into his memory and recount to us in graphic detail how he fought his way out of Colditz by slitting the throats of several stormtroopers before shinning down the walls with a rope made out of knotted bedsheets and sneaking across the Swiss border disguised as a milkmaid. In fact his message was safe, coddling and grandmotherly.
Attend to your studies, he said, cherish your friendships and honour your parents. What a load of rubbish, I thought. And in the intervening years, I’ve often wondered if I might be invited back to address the boys on sports day. My speech is already drafted. And I’ve delivered it many times in front of the mirror.
‘Boys, you probably want to know what purpose your education serves and why you have to come here at all. Well, school gives you three things: a social life, an occupation of sorts and a nice warm building to pass the time in. Those are certainly the only reasons your teachers show up. My advice is to be an inquisitive amateur. Study what interests you. Dismiss what doesn’t. If you come first in your exams, you’ll earn the praise of your parents and the hostility of your peers. That’s a handy lesson. Success brings risks.
Cherish your friendships and honour your parents, he said. What a load of rubbish, I thought
‘Most of your classwork is useless. Maths, for example, is exaggeration. There is only one number: one. The rest is duplication and overstatement. You can ignore literature. It’s just escapism for intellectuals. Homer, Dante, Shakespeare, Chekhov and so on, are all in the same business as Net-flix: distraction. Live your life. Don’t boggle at a replica tackling fictional problems. If you reach university and gain a degree, well done. You now have letters after your name, like everyone with ADHD, OCD and PTSD. As soon as you enter the real world, you’ll discover that paper qualifications are valueless and that the ability to laugh when the boss makes a joke that isn’t funny is worth 20 years of schooling.
‘When choosing a career, avoid the four occupations essential to human life: farming, building, mining and sanitation. These jobs are badly paid, dangerous and usually cold. Sometimes wet too. More importantly, all four careers are socially embarrassing. No one invites a scaffolder to a movie premiere. The autobiographies of sewage engineers are not the subject of bidding wars by publishing firms. A fruit-picker is unlikely to be granted a knighthood. No trawlerman or tin miner has ever appeared on The Graham Norton Show. Instead, take up an idle, glitzy and parasitical career like journalism, politics or acting. You’ll earn a packet and you’ll be treated as a semi-divinity.
‘Medicine is a lucrative pastime for anyone with enough patience to soothe the egos of workshy attention-seekers who aren’t as ill as they claim to be. If you have a passion for narcotics, a GP’s certificate gives you permanent access to the pill cabinet. Most NHS workers are rumoured to be drug addicts but the system doesn’t allow blood tests, so we’ll never know.
‘If you fancy a high-earning career with no responsibility, work for a charity that addresses a man-made problem like homelessness or malnutrition. Your aim is to make the problem bigger not smaller, then to award yourself a pay rise that reflects the increased dimensions of the scourge you face.
‘Your emotional life will be painful and expensive, I’m afraid. That’s just how it is. Keep your anguish to yourself and smile when the cameras are clicking. Your problems will begin in your twenties or thirties when you fall in love. Don’t be alarmed. You can extricate yourself from disaster by getting married. If you become a father and your children reach adulthood without disowning you in public, you’ll have achieved as much as any parent can hope for.
‘Finally, boys, trust nobody. Your gut instinct is usually right. Stay on the attack. And don’t fear death. Your absence will have as much impact on the world as your presence, i.e. none. Good luck.’
Those are my basic notes. I may elaborate on one or two points. I’m available in mid-July. No fee.
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