Hunter Biden has worn many hats in his 56 years on Earth. Scion, serviceman (briefly), attorney, businessman, crack addict, painter and, lately, influencer. The former first son burnished his online credentials by joining Substack this week – and Cockburn welcomes his comrade.
Hunter’s first meaningful post on “Where’s Hunter,” his blog on the platform, is called “It’s Dad.” The piece reads like something any other wealthy aspiring artist might shuffle up to read at an open-mic night. The sentences are short, the metaphors heavy. He muses – there is no other word for it – on the voicemail his father Joe left him and how it was heard around the world after the contents of his infamous laptop were published:
The late hour. The quiet room. My father’s breathing between sentences. The not knowing whether anyone was listening. All of that disappears once a recording becomes a clip.
What remains is a fragment, stripped of the air around it, free to be repurposed by whoever holds it.
But fragments still carry echoes.
Gritty stuff. Heartfelt, almost. Cockburn’s editors put the post into their preferred AI checker, GPTZero, which returned the following result:
We are highly confident this text was AI generated.
Chance this entire text is
AI: 100% Mixed 0% Human 0%
Open the pod bay doors, Hunter…
On our radar
THAT’S ALL, FOLKS! The Great American State Fair closes today with events surrounding the topic “The Next 250: Innovation,” including an exhibit of autonomous cars from brand Waymo.
DEATH DRIVE President Trump told Caitlin Doornbos this morning that he left instructions for what to do if Iran succeeds in assassinating him:”If anything happens … just literally bomb them at levels that they’ve never seen before.”
FENCED OFF The Trump administration is planning to construct new fences around the White House on the ends of Pennsylvania Avenue NW to ensure greater security than the temporary barriers which are usually used to shut down the grounds.
Bye Bye Byron
Former Homeland Security Secretary – and current Special Envoy to the Shield of the Americas – Kristi Noem and her husband Byron are divorcing, according to reporting from the New York Post. When the news broke in March that Byron Noem had a habit of wearing fake breasts and participating in illicit conversations via online forums, people wondered if this was coming. Kristi Noem’s mother told the Daily Mail, “She doesn’t tell me what she thinks. Finally, I said: ‘What’s the deal? Are you going to get together again? And she said: ‘No. No. We’re going to get a divorce.”
The crossdressing is only one problem in this marriage. Kristi Noem was demoted from her original post in the Trump administration, in part due to her alleged affair with Corey Lewandowski, who served as her campaign manager. What pushed Trump over the edge to firing her was Noem’s poor handling of a congressional hearing, where she would not answer point blank questions about whether she had had “sexual relations” with Lewandowski, which Cockburn can’t help but notice sounds a lot like Lewinsky. Has anyone made that joke yet?
Following a week of uproar over sexual assault allegations made against Graham Platner, who was running for the US Senate in Maine, Cockburn can’t help but wonder if sexual deviancy is a requirement for getting into politics. It seems to know no party line or gender. The Republicans are dabbling in transgenderism and the Democrats are abusing women. The only real consistency across the board is hypocrisy. But that sounds like something Graham Platner would say, or perhaps Kristi Noem.
Commie dearest
Senator Marsha Blackburn, who is campaigning to be Tennessee’s next governor, released a video Wednesday in which she is sitting in a Chinese restaurant. Her face is resolute as she grasps fortune cookies and smashes them on the table. “How hard am I going to crack down on China? Well, here’s a clue,” she says.
Of course, fortune cookies were created by a Japanese immigrant living in the US and are rarely found in China. Other items on the set, such as the Kikkoman soy sauce and the waving lucky cat figurine, are also Japanese. No matter. The message is clear enough, emerging on a slip of paper from one of the fortune cookies: “Marsha Blackburn will close loopholes and hunt down communists.”
Cockburn is not particularly fond of communism either. And yet the Republicans seem to be adopting the Soviet playbook of price controls. It was revealed this week that the Agriculture Department pressured Walmart to lower the price of beef ahead of July 4. President Trump claimed victory, stating prices had been cut “at my administration’s request.”
And on Wednesday, the White House released a video of “the FIRST Freedom Fuel Network gas station” in Philadelphia. Freedom Fuel has 25 locations across Pennsylvania and New Jersey and has lowered “the price at the pump to $3.47 for our 47th President.” It is unclear who exactly is paying for this subsidized gas. But if Blackburn is looking to root out communism, she may not have to go all the way to China.
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