The second-best day of the year is finally here. Obviously, nothing beats the opening day of the Cheltenham Festival – and it will be even better this year when Mambo-numberfive wins the Arkle – but Cocklebarrow Races in the Cotswolds are a short-head runner up.
You can rely on the weather to be foul: if there isn’t mud up to your knees, the ground will be frozen solid. But the dogs love it and as your car sinks up to its axle, you have plenty of time to be proud to be British – while you wait for the tractor to pull you out.
An extraordinary amount of planning by our volunteer committee goes into the day. Our honourable secretary (from here on, referred to as ‘H Sec’) is bullied mercilessly by regional point-to-point managers who come from the Donald Trump school of diplomacy.
You have plenty of time to be proud to be British – while you wait for the tractor to pull you out
The head of events [HoE] has a very successful business but ends up in therapy after trying to keep the peace among our sponsors. We have a human resources [HR] bod to make sure we don’t get too thirsty. And our site manager [SM] has a Glastonbury-scale mess to clear up after we’ve all buggered off.
Preparations in my household are well under way – my wife and daughter have been rolling their eyes for weeks. So here are the minutes, all entirely accurate of course, of our final preparatory meeting. Just to show you what a slick operation this really is.
Annual Cocklebarrow Races Executive Committee Meeting [confidential]
H SEC: Apologies for absence?
CHARLIE BROOKS: Well, quite a lot of absences but no apologies.
H SEC: OK… Item one: the date of the point-to-point is 25 January.
HOE: Are you sure you’ve got the right date this year? Remember what happened last year? [H Sec remained silent.]
HR: Anyone for a sharpener?
H SEC: Item two: any celebrities coming?
CB: Clarkson doesn’t like horses, his girlfriend Lisa’s too tall, Kaleb’s too famous and Gerald doesn’t travel far from Chadlington.
HOE: Anyone else?
CB: Jilly is sadly reunited with all her favourite dogs in the sky, Claudia doesn’t like grass, and I don’t think Claire likes mud much. And James Blunt probably won’t come because they kept asking him for ID in the beer tent last year. Nigel’s in Clacton and Nicky [Haslam] doesn’t like exteriors. And the other Nicky [Henderson] has gone skiing. That I would like to watch. Kemi’s up for it – she loves a point-to-point. And Christian and Geri are hoping to have three runners.
SM: Could we have more bins in the horsebox area? Last year someone left the remains of a Chinese takeaway, an alarm clock and an old radio next to the dope testing van.
CB: And Lord Ashton of Hyde is coming.
H SEC: Is he a celebrity?
CB: Has Rose Kennedy got a black dress? He’s the flipping most important lord in the House of Lords, for heaven’s sake – and he’s the King’s ‘Master of the Horse’ – which is why our big race is named after him.
CB: I’ll just pop and get another round.
H SEC: Speaking of which, item three: excessive drinking.
HOE: Yes, well we’ve tried to crack down on that. The kids are fine, it’s the parents who are the problem. [Officially noted by H Sec].
H SEC: Item five: the loos. I think they were a great success last year.
HR: Absolutely. Terrific.
HOE: Well, we did have some complaints. The young farmers, you know… and they don’t lock the doors.
CB: Perhaps we could put signs up saying ‘Please knock before entering’?
HOE: Well, that might work for the arable farmers, but the livestock guys might take that as an invitation, not a deterrent.
HR: Well, on that note I think everyone could do with a top-up.
H SEC: Item six: the skip.
HOE: Yes, bit of a problem with that last year. People were climbing into it and then jumping off it on to the bouncy castle.
H SEC: Well in that case, someone needs to keep an eye on the kids.
HOE: It wasn’t the kids.
H SEC: Item six: sponsors.
CB: Good news on that front. Howdens are our new headline sponsor. And as they do at Ascot, loads of them are going to come. And they’re building a pub inside the marquee.
HR: Damn good kitchens.
CB: They do insurance, mate.
HR: Bloody clever. Kitchens and insurance. How do they find the time? Right. I think we can squeeze one more in.
H SEC: Item seven: barrow full of booze. This was very popular last year, so I think we need a bigger wheelbarrow.
HR: I’ll drink to that.
H SEC: Item eight: the male jockeys complained last year that there wasn’t enough food and the lady jockeys kept walking into their changing area with no clothes on.
CB: Well, that’s ridiculous. They’re meant to be on a diet. Why do we give them anything to eat?
H SEC: What about the lady jockeys?
CB: We could ask someone to sponsor a ‘best turned out’ prize?
HR: Anyone fancy one for the ditch?
H SEC: Item nine: the weather. The forecast is terrible. We’re going to get an inch of rain in the morning a gale force wind over lunch and then it’s going to freeze like hell.
HOE: I think we should get some camels as well as the bicycles in case the horses are frozen off.
CB: And confirm the picnics go ahead even if the horses don’t.
HR: Can someone remind me why we have this point-to-point at the end of January?
H SEC: Because that’s the best date for the Tudor Hall girls. Apparently Eton has asked parents not to bring their kids back until Monday morning if they’re coming to the point-to-point.
HR: Ah yes. Can’t move it then. Bloody nuisance that it falls in dry January.
CB: D’you think that’s a big deterrent to our crowd?
HR: Good god no. Bloody common, dry January. Must have been on Nicky Haslam’s tea towel this Christmas.
H SEC: Item ten: security. Any ideas?
HOE: The poacher, who goes round shooting all the foxes with his rifle now that we’re not allowed to hunt them, has offered to sleep in the beer tent if we give him a bottle of whisky and £100. Only problem is I’m not sure he’s got a licence for it.
SM: Can we please make sure he has a bin.
H SEC: Item 11: alternative entertainment?
HOE: How about catching a greased pig?
CB: I’m not sure we can do that any more.
HOE: OK. Naked tug of war? Or a wellies and undies race?
CB: Yup, I think that’s fine. Inside or outside the marquee?
SM: If we’re having naked tug of war, we will definitely need more bins.
H SEC: Any other business?
HOE: Becky and Twiggy are having a bash the night before and were wondering if we could lay on a horse box so they can all push on through?
HR: Genius. Then we can get properly stuck in.
H SEC: Can I remind everyone that we’re trying to run a race meeting.
[Everyone joined HR in the bar.]
But trust me, this Sunday at Cocklebarrow will be a totally fantastic, doggy, family day out.
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