I knew that the endless hours I’d spent watching reality TV would one day stand me in good stead in my trade – and now it’s happened. For Andy Burnham’s journey to No. 10 is recognisable from a good many such shows.
It’s notable that his wife, Marie-France van Heel, was once a contestant on Blind Date. Andy himself would be a shoo-in for its sexy and souped-up heir, Love Island. There’s always an episode a few weeks in when the original contestants get a bit bored with each other – so enter the Bombshell. Bombshells can be of either sex, but they have to be more attractive than the majority of the boys or girls already in place; this is certainly true of Burnham. The Bombshell must be cheeky – have ‘chat’ – and Andy ascertained this immediately. ‘You’re not the Messiah!’ he was heckled after his swearing in. Rather than look like a paranoid android, as Starmer would, he grinned and pinged back, ‘Naughty boy’. It brought ease to what could have been a sticky moment; no wonder so many ladies, and not a few lads, were soon shoving their rivals out of the way to get into the front line of his selfie.
He’s not humble at all. He’s the new kid in town, with all the self-confidence and swagger that brings with it. And he’s not just a king now – but a kingmaker
There’s often a moment when the hopeful who starts out as a contestant becomes a judge, as did Louis Tomlinson on The X Factor in 2018, having auditioned and come second as part of One Direction in 2010. Burnham, with his T-shirt and trainers and lush hair and big eyes, looks very much like a more mature version of the plucky Northern outsider boy, who often claims to be seeking public prominence on behalf of his late ‘nan’. Burnham has spoken movingly of his grandmother, Catherine Murray, whose experiences in the social care system shaped his beliefs; when he was health secretary in 2010, he admirably argued against proposed cuts to hospital chaplaincy services, citing his grandmother’s last days when she asked for a priest rather than a doctor. The year before he had announced plans to tackle what he called ‘the cruel lottery’ of ‘care’ for the elderly and recalled how Mrs Murray’s wedding ring was stolen from her hand when she was in a nursing home.
He is of genuinely working-class stock, like the talent-show kids struggling in a music business now colonised by the posh, with a grandfather who drove a lorry for Tate & Lyle. Burnham’s even got an X Factor kind of speaking voice, questing and hopeful and a little humble. But he’s not humble at all. He’s the new kid in town, with all the self-confidence and swagger that brings with it. And he’s not just a king now – but a kingmaker.
One had heard the stories about the strange absence of human affection between Starmer and his colleagues, but did ever a picture tell a story like the selfie Burnham took in Westminster Hall shortly after Sir Keir’s resignation? Around 200 Labour MPs shamelessly showed up for the doe-eyed usurper, including Rachel Reeves, Angela Rayner, Lucy Powell and Louise Haigh,which brought back vile visions of ‘Blair’s Babes’. So female-friendly, indeed, is the soft-voiced Mr Burnham that his promoters have recently proclaimed him female in all but biological sex. If this is meant to appeal to the little ladies of Labour, I feel Andy may have been misled; even Stella Creasy, with her renowned fondness for our trans-sisters, might narrow her eyes at this latest excuse for why Labour still hasn’t had a biologically female leader.
But the Burnham rule won’t be all Bananarama karaoke in the Strangers’ Bar with Bridget Phillipson and Anneliese Midgley; there will be serious male politicians looking for serious jobs in the new regime. In Love Island, they sometimes shock the household by bringing back an ‘OG’ from a previous series; this never ends well, as the newbies know all his little weaknesses. This would be Ed Miliband, who Burnham may have cooled on as replacing Reeves as head of the Treasury, as ministers keen on net zero will lose him working-class votes to Reform. (Though Nigel Farage famously appeared in I’m A Celebrity, Reform are The Voice of TV talent shows; the latecomer who cut through all the elaborate BS of the uni-party with a simple and persistent message.)
What of Wes Streeting, who looks like the boy who didn’t quite make it into the final band? He’ll need to be kept inside the tent – or rather, judge’s house – along with Shabana Mahmood, Yvette Cooper, Pat McFadden and John Healey. Rachel Reeves and David Lammy, one hopes, can expect a brusque ‘You’re fired!’ from the new boss before thanking Sir Keir for this opportunity and collecting their wheelie-cases, bravely hiding their tears in the back of a taxi.
The return of the convicted fraudster Louise Haigh seems certain, as she led Burnham’s by-election campaign; there’s always one contestant who turns out to be shady and has to leave the house post haste, as with ‘Nasty Nick’ from Big Brother. Of course, One Direction – the most successful of the reality talent show kids – came to fame when they were ‘blended’ by Simon Cowell and Nicole Scherzinger from a bunch of boys who auditioned as solo acts. Similarly, it is to be hoped that Mr Burnham will be elevated rather than degraded by the company he keeps. He would be wise to promote the outstanding Jonathan Hinder and to beg Rosie Duffield to come home – but as those advising him appear to believe that he can miraculously change sex, this seems unlikely.
But let us leave The X Factor now and journey back to Love Island – specifically, back to the Bombshells. They are designed to be disruptors who will theoretically have no qualms about nicking other people’s boy/girlfriends because they haven’t made friends with anyone yet – as such, they will often repeat the mantra, ‘Bombshells gonna bombshell’. But it’s striking how quickly they get absorbed into the general melee and become part of the furniture; within a week or two of their arrival, most bombshells aren’t really acting like bombshells anymore and no one even particularly remembers how they started out. Could Mr Burnham one day quite soon become part of the furniture – and then, as the public are wont to do these days, get chucked out like a faulty appliance? For even though he is without doubt many people’s ‘type on paper’, he may well soon give them the ‘ick’. That summer’s lease will be brief is even more reason why Andy Burnham should enjoy to the full his time as the new likely-lad on No Love Lost Island.
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