The Spectator

Licence

From our UK edition

‘I’ve lost interest in TV now it’s no longer a criminal offence not to have a licence.’

Bedroom

From our UK edition

‘Things are so bad in the bedroom department that she’s started sleeping in a shark cage.’

Kebab

From our UK edition

‘I’d invite you in, but as we’ve already had sex behind the kebab van I don’t see there’s much point.’

Vacancy

From our UK edition

‘Apart from your generation’s over-inflated sense of self-worth, what else makes you the best candidate for this vacancy?’

Listen 2

From our UK edition

‘I wish you’d get a job at GCHQ — then you might actually start to listen to me.’

Vladimir Putin knows what he stands for. Do we?

From our UK edition

Possibly because his oratory is no match for his much-displayed pectoral muscles, the speeches of Vladimir Putin are seldom reported at length in the West. But as a means of understanding the manoeuvres in eastern Ukraine this week, there is no better starting point than the speech he made to the Duma when the Russian

Runaway runners and other other sporting refugees

From our UK edition

Done a runner Mami Konneh Lahun, a 24-year-old athlete from Sierra Leone, went missing after finishing as the 20th-placed woman in the London Marathon. She is not the first athlete to have done a runner. — In the 2002 Commonwealth Games, 20 of her compatriots failed to return home. — After the London Olympics, 21

Fly

From our UK edition

‘Apart from making a buzzing noise and an inability to find an open window, what else do you do?’

Door

From our UK edition

‘My door is always open, Tracy. Could you get someone to fix that?’