Steerpike

'Poetry makes nothing happen,' a famous poet once said. But Mr S is still disappointed to hear that the nation's official poet won't be penning some lines to mark Britain's departure from the EU. Poet Laureate Simon Armitage said he has 'no plans' to commemorate Brexit day on 31 October. Whatever does he do for his annual stipend of £5,750 and the traditional 600-odd bottles of sherry he gets as payment? Then again, maybe Leavers should breathe a sigh of relief that Armitage has chosen to deny us a Brexit-themed ballad.

When Jeremy Corbyn put forward his proposal to MPs to help him become prime minister in order to block a no-deal Brexit, the response from the Lib Dems was clear: no. But the Labour leader's plan has had a warmer reception in an unlikely place – on the Tory backbenches. Guto Bebb told his fellow MPs that if they wanted to stop Britain leaving the EU without a deal, they should take Corbyn's idea seriously: 'I certainly take the view that a short-term Jeremy Corbyn government is less damaging than the generational damage that would be caused by a no-deal Brexit' Mr S thinks Bebb might have some difficulty persuading his Tory colleagues about that...

Boris Johnson appeared shell shocked today when he discovered the lengths to which inmates at HMP Leeds go to to exploit prison security. During a tour of the prison, the PM was shown an X-ray scan of the plastic innards of a Kinder egg lodged inside an inmate who was caught sneaking contraband. Johnson recoiled in horror as he realised the full extent of the smuggling operation, asking the prison guard: 'A Kinder egg? So is that inside? He’s ingested it? He's plugged it?' https://twitter.com/joepike/status/1161271612727091200?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw The boost to prison spending promised by Boris Johnson will no doubt help officers crack down on bad eggs...

It's an emergency! So says Caroline Lucas, who has called for an all-female cabinet to step in and block a no-deal Brexit. The Green party MP said her planned national unity government would hit the 'pause button' on Brexit while the likes of Emily Thornberry, Lib Dem leader Jo Swinson, Scotland's first minister Nicola Sturgeon and Tory MP Justine Greening stepped in to clear up the mess. 'In my experience, women tend to be less tribal, they tend to find it easier to establish trust more quickly,' according to Lucas. Fortunately, in the interests of gender equality, there is likely to be one place for a man at the Cabinet table:  Dominic Grieve. Mr S. has tried his hand at seeing what Lucas's dream anti-Brexit Cabinet might look like. Captions in the comments.

John McDonnell spent a large amount of his time this week attacking the career history of the newly-promoted Chancellor, Sajid Javid. While some might take heart at the way Javid, as son of a Pakistani bus driver, worked his way up to become a banker and then the second most powerful politician in the country, for McDonnell it's clearly evidence that he should be clapped in irons. In a press release on Monday, McDonnell thundered that Javid's stint at Deutsche Bank and his alleged role in selling collateralised debt obligations (CDOs) which were behind the 2008 banking crisis, meant that he was unsuitable to be Chancellor, and the prime minister should launch an investigation into his past.

As the Liberal Democrats celebrate their win in the Brecon and Radnorshire by-election, other parties are licking their wounds. The Tories narrowly missed out and now must deal with the realities of being the governing party with a working majority of one. Labour meanwhile came a distant fourth – only just managing to hold on to their deposit. Corbynistas have struggled to keep their vitriol in check since Jo Swinson was elected as the leader of the Liberal Democrats and today was no exception. Did Labour join in the celebrations (along with the Remain alliance) that the Tories had lost a seat? Think again. Instead the Corbyn outriders were out in force to attack... the Liberal Democrats: https://twitter.com/Rachael_Swindon/status/1157278445178707976?

It seems the New York Times has decided to continue its bizarre crusade against Britain, which culminated in last year's outlandish claim that the nation lives on a diet of mutton and oatmeal (although, given current reports that the government is considering buying up Welsh lamb in the event of a no-deal exit, this strange claim could turn out to have been an unwitting prediction). The latest pronouncement comes from the NYT's European economics correspondent Peter S. Goodman on the front page of today's international edition. In it Goodman writes: 'The British pound has long possessed a mystique that transcends its marginal role in the global economy, conjuring memories of its dominance in the imperial age.

Boris Johnson's senior adviser Dominic Cummings has found himself in the news today after a video clip emerged of him suggesting most Conservative MPs 'do not care' about 'poorer people' or the NHS. Now in No. 10, Cummings appears to be on a mission to change that – with a focus on applying the Johnson ethos of boosterism to healthcare. But what of Johnson's old comments? A search of Cambridge's student newspaper archive reveals that BoJo too has made some comments which could now be deemed off-message. In a 2000 interview with Varsity, the then editor of The Spectator discussed his decision to stand as the Conservative candidate for Henley.

Boris Johnson has appointed a former Daily Mirror Chicken as his chief spin doctor, the paper's front page revealed today. Lee Cain, Boris's new communications director, donned the infamous costume during a stint at the Labour supporting newspaper and began ruffling Tory feathers during the 2010 general election, when he pursued David Cameron round the country. Cain's recruitment appears to have caused much mirth at the Mirror offices, with one former colleague saying, 'Lee was actually a great Mirror Chicken. He attacked the role with real zeal and a great passion. I vividly remember him coming in to the newsroom and prancing around still in his full outfit like a rooster.