Steerpike

After surviving his Covid scare in spring 2020, Boris Johnson was positively evangelical about the importance of weight loss. Launching a campaign to cut Britain's obesity rates in July that year, the Prime Minister told the country that he was 'way overweight' when he was hospitalised, backing a war on waistlines to cut the number of Britons entering intensive care units. Two years on though, Johnson seemed to have cooled on the idea somewhat. Last month, as he battled to save his embattled premiership, he was reported to be considering whether to drop plans to ban 'buy one, get one free' deals on junk food, and other anti-obesity measures. Perhaps though that’s for the best, given, er, the snacking habit of our own MPs.

It's now a week since Russia's invasion of Ukraine and there's no sign of an end in sight yet. The casualty lists have mounted on both sides, with the Kremlin admitting to 500 Russian dead, compared to America's estimate of 2,000 on Moscow's side. One millions Ukrainians meanwhile are estimated to have fled the country in the past seven days, with Kiev claiming that 2,000 civilians have been killed in Russian attacks. Sanctions meanwhile continue to be applied by a raft of European and Western powers against the embattled Putin regime. Such suffering now appears to have extended all the way up north to the Scottish parliament, where staff and MSPs are being told they can now receive counselling if they have been affected by the 'distressing' 'evolving situation in Ukraine.

Another day and still Ukraine holds on. Russia last night stepped up its attacks on key target cities, with fighting raging for a seventh day in the north, east and south of the country. It was in those sombre circumstances that MPs in London met today for the ritual weekly jousting of Prime Ministers' Questions. But before the usual punch and judy show kicked off between Boris and Keir, Speaker Lindsay Hoyle had a few words to say first, as he welcomed the Ukrainian ambassador Vadym Prystaiko to Parliament. Barely had the Speaker begun then a wave of applause rang out across the chamber, building to a crescendo as members across the House rose to their feet to applaud Ukraine and its people for their resistance to the Putin regime.

As the Ukraine crisis worsened last night, where else would politicos be except the British Kebab Awards – which celebrate all that is good about the humble kebab shop. Alongside journalists, bag-handlers and spinners, a raft of politicians were queuing up to pay tribute to the industry including shadow Foreign Secretary David Lammy and education minister Nadhim Zahawi, who delivered a fiery denunciation of Putin from the lectern. The guest of honour though was Speaker of the House of Commons, Lindsay Hoyle. The Chorley MP used the occasion to both condemn what was happening in Ukraine and then reveal his own love of cooked meat dishes. He told the raucous attendees that: I've got to tell you: I love a kebab.

It's five days since Vladimir Putin invaded Ukraine and there's no sign of the pressure letting up. Arms continue to be exported across Europe to aid Kiev's war effort while financial penalties continue to be applied. The latest sanctions levied against Russian banks include cutting them off from Visa and Mastercard, and consequently Apple Pay and Google Pay.   But it's not just in the military, diplomatic and economic spheres that Moscow is being targeted. Cultural boycotts threaten to wreck Russia's aspirations of World Cup glory in Qatar this summer while Eurovision has also announced the country will not be welcome. One act of individual defiance is the return of honours given by Putin's state to notable individuals across Europe.

As the Ukraine crisis rages, Labour has chosen to focus on the issue of visas for fleeing Ukrainian refugees. Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper went for her opposite number Priti Patel on it in Parliament yesterday, demanding 'clear answers' for those 'urgently seeking sanctuary or to rejoin relatives.'  It looks like Patel will now be forced to give a ministerial statement today, updating the government's position on the issue: a win for Cooper and those demanding more action. Still Mr S couldn't help but think back to Cooper's own record when it comes to refugees.

Looks like this war isn't going terribly well for Vladimir Putin. The Russian dictator now finds himself something of an international pariah, with barely half-a-dozen countries lining up behind him. By contrast, the charmless Kremlin autocrat seems to have done what no-one thought possible: unite Europe in opposition, drag Germany from its Ostpolitik slumber and even force neutral Sweden to dispatch thousands of missile launchers to his foes. Well done Vlad. It's not just in the international arena where Putin finds himself unloved: there's clearly cracks in the previously unshakeable support which he enjoyed from the plutocratic oligarchs his regime has helped enrich.

It's four days since the invasion of Ukraine by Russia and there's no sign of any surrender by those opposing Putin's forces. By common consensus, the spirited fightback by both Ukrainian troops and their citizens has impressed and surprised many across Europe.  It comes amid reports that the Kremlin has misjudged the extent to which Ukrainians are willing to fight and die for their country, as the west gears up to inflict massive financial sanctions on Russia. The revolution may not be televised but in 2022 conflict is being live-streamed on social media accounts. Below are six of the best examples of the ordinary men and women of Ukraine demonstrating resistance to the Putin invasion.

Labour has been trying to make political capital out of Russian-linked donations to the Tory party. Sir Keir Starmer might play the cross-party card in the House but not all on his benches share that sense of magnanimity. Liam Byrne enjoyed taking a pop at Boris Johnson's socialising with oligarchs yesterday while Rachel Reeves and David Lammy previously called for the Conservatives to return nearly two million pounds of donations made since Johnson took office in 2019. Labour's basis for this demand is that the donors 'made money from Russia or have alleged links to the Putin regime': quite the conflation between actual Kremlin cronies and those who have simply worked and made money there.

Amid all the gloom, a sliver of light has emerged from the rubble of Ukraine. As Sun-Tzu said: 'In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity' – and some have certainly taken the opportunity to heap ridicule on themselves. Steerpike has cast his eye over the most ridiculous, self-involved and outlandish takes on Russia's invasion as celebrities and politicians trip over themselves to proclaim their thoughts to the world. Harry and Meghan No crisis would be complete without the right royal duo involving themselves. The pair released an online statement claiming that they 'stand with the people of Ukraine' – not literally of course, given that they live in an £11million mansion in Montecito, California, some 6,000 miles away from Kyiv.

Ah, gorgeous George, the man so often on the right side of history. The rabble-rousing politician, who has had more parties than Boris Johnson, has been at it again in recent weeks, insisting that 'the West provoked this crisis' in Ukraine. Coincidentally, the former Labour MP also hosts a show on Moscow-backed network RT UK – previously better known as Russia Today. Galloway struck a bet earlier this month with a pro-Unionist Twitter account. Under the suggested terms of the deal, if Europe reached July without an invasion, Ukrainian soldiers killed in action or without any Ukrainian territory gained by Russia, the user in question would have to change their profile picture to one of George Galloway and post a public apology.

As the current crisis unfolded in Ukraine, some of Westminster’s finest sought sanctuary in its watering holes. Among those enjoying libations on Tuesday night was Tory MP Stuart Andrew, recently reshuffled out of the much-maligned Whips’ Office to become the eleventh housing minister in ten years. Andrew popped into the popular Red Lion establishment next to parliament after work for a quick one. Unfortunately, in the excitement the minister put his briefcase down, only to discover moments later the bag had been stolen. Cue pandemonium among the bar staff as a squadron of the Met’s finest was dispatched to try and find it, arriving on the scene within ten minutes of the reported theft. Not exactly David Cameron leaving his daughter in a pub but hardly ideal.