Steerpike

Where would we be without Jeremy Clarkson? The motor-mouth petrol-head is the unlikely saviour of Twitter addicts this Christmas, giving ever-online politicos the change to proclaim their utter disgust at his now-removed Sun column about Meghan Markle. Clarkson has now apologised for saying how he’d like to see the Duchess of Sussex being paraded through the streets and compared her to serial killer Rose West. Even Clarkson’s daughter denounced him. It's not an analogy that first came to mind for Steerpike, but it’s a free country – isn’t it? Unfortunately we saw something else in the reaction to Clarkson: a desire to jail him, or at very least invent a crime to find him guilty of.

It’s six days until the King’s Speech but tonight it was Keir Starmer’s to give it a go. The Labour leader hosted the great and the good of the lobby tonight at a Christmas knees-up to celebrate the end of term and multiple Prime Ministers. Starmer regaled HM press corps with his musings on events.  Of Matt Hancock’s I’m a Celebrity… appearance, Starmer reflected that it was ‘a rare sight of him eating bollocks rather than talking them.’ Kwasi Kwarteng became the ‘second shortest serving Chancellor ever’ – an achievement all the more remarkable ‘when you consider that Nadhim tried to resign on day two.’ But it was the World Cup that attracted most of the Leader of the Opposition’s attention.

The World Cup is drawing towards its close today and one benefit means we will get to hear less from Gary Neville, the left-wing right-back who has never met a camera he didn't like. You would think perhaps that a man like Neville – a multi-millionaire working for the Qatari state broadcaster – might be wary about entering the political fray, given his public humiliation on Have I Got News For You last month. Not a bit of it. The card-carrying Labour member, who appeared on stage with Keir Starmer at this year's party conference, instead opted to hijack the World Cup final today to muse on the situation here in Britain.

It's less than a week since the Conservative Democratic Organisation (CDO) launched and already organisers are optimistic about its success. The new group was born out of the Conservative Post's 'Boris ballot' movement in October to restore the former Prime Minister to office via a petition which claimed to boast more than 10,000 Conservative members. Having failed in that effort, supporters David Campbell Bannerman and Lord Cruddas are instead hoping to have more luck with their latest endeavour: a group to give the Tory grassroots more of a say in the running of their party. And early signs are good for the group, which launched last Sunday. Organisers say they have received an impressive 715 applications to serve on the executive of local branches.

Oh dear. Labour have had a pretty good run of late, castigating the Tory government at every turn. But given the chance to set out her alternative vision on Sky News this morning, Labour chair Anneliese Dodds could only squirm when pressed as to how her party would be handling the strikes. Under repeated questioning from Anna Jones, Dodds – a former Shadow Chancellor to boot – desperately claimed that she was not 'going to on live television pluck a figure out of the air.' Presumably she thought Sky had asked her on to discuss political ephemera? Her answer was simply the bland insistence that 'we would negotiate' but not, er, actually explain Labour's red lines going in to such a negotiation. By Steerpike's count, Dodds ducked the question no less than four times.

Trains, hospitals and schools – there are few aspects of British life left untouched by the winter of discontent. And now Steerpike hears rumblings of industrial discontent at the heart of British democracy itself: in the Houses of Parliament itself. Long-suffering staffers have had to endure months of vermin-infested kitchens, crumbling masonry and asbestos aplenty. Now power cuts over the past two days in the One Parliament Street building have pushed some of those working on the parliamentary estate to the brink. The GMB branch for Members’ staff is now gathering signatures for a letter to the Serjeant at Arms, outlining their urgent concerns.

Oh dear. It seems that Matt Hancock has been called out on his Covid record, again. In his newly-published 'Pandemic Diaries,' the former Health Secretary appears to pin the blame on the National Archives in Kew for the late publication of restrictions introducing the 'rule of six' on 13 September 2020. Hancock suggested that the new rules – which were made public just 15 minutes before they were due to take effect – were nearly derailed thanks to the Archives closing early that day. He wrote in his memoir that: As far as I was aware, everything was in place, until I received a message from the office saying there was an issue with the National Archives… The issue really was in Kew. It turns out that until they receive a new law, it isn't legal – and at the stroke of 4 p.

To 2 Lord North Street, SW1, home of the Institute of Economic Affairs. Once it was the likes of Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng that were feted here, but last night there was a new queen in town. Penny Mordaunt, the leader of the House, swept in with all her magnificent curls, to be the star turn at this year's IEA Christmas shindig. To much applause from her 'pen pals' in the audience, Mordaunt regaled the crowd with a parody of It's a Wonderful Life. In the world envisaged by Mordaunt, Ed Miliband won the 2015 election to be succeeded by prime minister Corbyn and all the horrors that would have entailed. In such a parallel world, 'levelling up' is merely the name of a nightclub in Camden and Boris is still mayor of London, arming the capital with water cannons aplenty.

Is that it? For months now much ink has been spilled about the 'explosive' revelations promised in Harry and Meghan's multi-million pound Netflix bonanza, a 'tell all' sensationalist documentary replete with truth bombs to tear the curtain back on the whole squalid royal cabal. And yet, having digested all three soporific hours of the first edition this morning, Mr S was left rubbing his eyelids and wondering what all the fuss was really about. Of course, there was innuendo aplenty; the ritual breast-beating and eyes watering. There was the full English of Hollywood tricks: dramatic music, sympathetic lighting, dramatic cuts and a smorgasbord of stylistic shenanigans.

Speaking at last year's Tory conference, Liz Truss mocked those 'portents of doom', the 'people who say that it is inevitable that because of Covid we are going to have a permanently bigger state.' But despite the insistence of Truss, Jacob Rees-Mogg and others, all signs suggest that an enlarged Whitehall will in fact be the pandemic's legacy. A series of parliamentary questions by Philip Davies MP – no fan of big government himself – reveal that the total departmental headcount of eleven different ministries has risen by more than 15 per cent during the past two years. The total number of civil servants employed has risen from just over 206,000 in February 2020 to more than 238,000 at the last count in November 2022.

Farewell and thanks for the mammaries, Michelle Mone. The lingerie tycoon has today announced that she will be seeking a leave of absence from the House of Lords with immediate effect. It means she will not attend sittings of the House, vote on any proceedings nor be able to claim any allowance. At 51, she ought to have years of such joys ahead of her – but fate, and the Guardian newspaper, intervened. According to a spokesman: With immediate effect, Baroness Mone will be taking a leave of absence from the House of Lords in order to clear her name of the allegations that have been unjustly levelled against her.