Rod Liddle

Remarkable events in Portugal, no? A democratically elected government is denied the opportunity to govern because its policies challenge the European Union. The left wing coalition won more than fifty per cent of the vote; out of the single currency, an end to austerity, bollocks to the Lisbon Treaty etc. But Anibal Cavaco Silva, the constitutional president, has banned them from taking office because it’s 'too risky'. As Ambrose Evans-Pritchard puts it in The Daily Telegraph: 'Europe’s socialists face a dilemma. They are at last waking up to the unpleasant truth that monetary union is an authoritarian Right-wing enterprise that has slipped its democratic leash, yet if they act on this insight in any way they risk being prevented from taking power.

John McDonnell has accused me of telling an untruth. Yes, I know, worse things have happened. But still. His accusation refers to the closure of the Redcar SSI steel plant. https://twitter.com/johnmcdonnellMP/status/654787633097240576 Mr McDonnell claimed that a visit to the area, where he met with tearful workers, prompted him to do a u-turn on supporting the Conservative plan to balance to budget. I said on Question Time last week and again in The Sunday Times this Sunday that this was utter cant. A charge I will cheerfully repeat now. It is utter cant, McDonnell. The shadow chancellor made his commitment to abide by Osborne’s budget surplus proposal at the Labour conference on 28 September – it had been reported in advance by most papers.

There was an interesting news item on the television the other day. A transgendered chap was hoping to become the world’s first dual-purpose father and mother to a baby. He had frozen his semen before the surgeons came along with their secateurs and staple gun. I turned to my wife and said: ‘One day the chill wind of Odin will blow down from the icy north and cleanse our nation of all purulence and disease.’ She said nothing by way of reply — but a moment or two later announced that she was going to bed, and would be sleeping in the spare room. She had a distressed expression upon her face. I was left alone to mull over the possible cause of this sudden estrangement. Could it have been the Odin stuff?

I have started salivating excessively at night. I wake each morning in a pillowed swamp of my own effluvium, a noisome pond which is — I suspect — redolent of rapidly approaching death. I have done the hypochondriac thing and googled the possible causes and there’s a whole bunch of stuff — pancreatitis, close exposure to ionising radiation, rabies, pregnancy, serotonin disease and liver failure, to name but a few. My suspicion is it’s either rabies or pregnancy because I exhibit other symptoms common to both conditions, according to the internet. I cannot abide drinking water, for example, which suggests that I might be hydrophobic, a key indicator of rabies.

Freedom of speech is a terribly precious thing, which we should all cherish. So let’s not waste it on people with whom we disagree. That seems to be the considered view of those assorted, privileged genii at Oxford University, whose student’s union banned from its Freshers Week a satirical magazine which it feared might cause offence. The magazine is called No Offence and is produced by students. Some incalculably humourless, self-righteous little berk, said: 'We at OUSU do not wish to have an event which is intended to welcome new students to Oxford associated with a publication making light of racism, sexual violence, and homophobia in an attempt at satire'. No indeed.

The one bright spot, if you are a normal Labour Party supporter rather than a perpetual adolescent anti-austerity arriviste with lime jelly between the ears, was Cristina Kirchner’s message of congratulations to Jeremy Corbyn. Hopefully similar valedictions will arrive soon – from Jihadi John, and whatever addle-brained Islamist thug is leading Hamas, and from Putin and various murderous bog-trotting Feinians. The more, the better. Let the British public know who this idiot’s friends are. Iain Dale’s questions to Corbyn are apposite, as were Tony Parsons' latest piece in GQ in which he said, having watched the deluded halfwits championing Corbyn’s election: whatever side these people are on, I’m against. Yes, absolutely.

Daily they drop into my email account — alongside the more obviously useful stuff about how I might elongate my penis or ensure it performs with greater fortitude than at present, and the charitable offers from women who live ‘nearby your house, Roderick’ and apparently wish to test whether or not those previous solicitations I mentioned have been acceded to with success. Alongside all that stuff are the fecund exhortations from a bunch of online campaigning organisations. Click democracy, a sort of spastic form of activism whereby you stick it to da man simply by pressing a button. They come, these missives, from the likes of Change.org and 38 Degrees. Sometimes shrill, sometimes cloying, almost always stupid.