Paula Gahan

As cabin crew for an international airline, I love working in first class. In the briefing room, when all the crew are scrambling to bag their favourite positions before the start of the flight, I make sure to insist I’m the first-class dolly for the day. Usually no one minds, as some people are averse to tending to the whims of the upper-class jet set. What they might not realise is, since the dawn of the Ozempic age, working in first class is now much, much easier. There’s barely anything to do. Why? Because nobody eats anymore. Remember that famous line from Kim Kardashian, ‘no one wants to work anymore’? Well, nowadays, no one wants to eat anymore.

‘How do you cope with this?’ The poor woman is looking up at me with the big Bambi eyes I’ve seen grown men adopt when extreme turbulence hits. I have to say something comforting; it’s part of my job description as cabin crew. They even tell us what to say on the cabin crew training course. Get down to eye level with the passenger, adopt a comforting tone, agree with their distress, and reassure them everything will be fine. I hate the kneeling down bit; it feels a little insincere and overly intimate. Plus, I’m ashamed to say, you can probably hear my knees cracking from the cockpit. Unfortunately, I’ve still got a rather large chunk of my mortgage to pay, so I duly launch into ‘the routine’.