Melissa Kite

I try not to be a party pooper but the other night I came home to such a cacophony of revelling from a neighbour’s house that I concluded there had to be a gathering of international gangsters, drug barons and hookers in my street. The thumping hip hop, screaming and glass smashing was coming from a house whose back garden borders mine at the bottom; so I crept outside to see if I could catch a glimpse. I picked my way to the end of the garden in the dark, pulled myself up over the fence and braced myself to see hoards of Nike-swathed homeboys dripping in gold chains and spliffs.

As I don’t live in what my friends consider to be ‘town’, I don’t get many visitors. My friends who live in ‘town’ protest that they cannot possibly be presumed upon to come as far as Balham. For a long time, I used to mind about this and made all sorts of silly attempts to force people to enjoy my suburban hospitality. Once, in an attempt to stage a dinner party, I drove to Chelsea and led a convoy of cars back to my house, swerving and flashing in desperation as they ventured south of Albert Bridge. When they got to my front door in one piece you would have thought they had made it to a cave in the Hindu Kush. ‘Wow!’ they all exclaimed, ‘it was only ten minutes...I can’t believe it...Did you know it was ten minutes to Balham?.

I will always remember what I was doing the night I tried to downgrade my Sky package. Scorched into my memory with pain it is, just like the day Elvis died. It started ominously. I had turned on the television. I only turn on the television once every six months. Every time I do so I feel like a battered wife going back for more abuse. I thought I could make it work this time. But, really, what was I expecting from a series of channels called ‘DMax’ and ‘Dave Ja Vu’ and ‘Movies4Men’?

The recession has been a huge disappointment to me. It’s the lack of haggling I find so hard to come to terms with. When the great financial crisis began we were told we were going to get all sorts of eye-watering bargains. Everything was negotiable, it was said. Even the cheese counter at the supermarket was doing dodgy deals on Stilton. If you offered the man on the fish counter a fiver, he’d slip you an entire cod. What nonsense. There is no haggling. I haven’t found a single shop that has been prepared to have any of it. I tried it in Zara with a black dress with a hole in the seam. ‘I’ll give you £60 for it,’ I said firmly. ‘I’m afraid this dress costs £80, madam.’ ‘Yes, but there’s a hole in it so...

This will be a bit of harmless fun, I thought, as I climbed three flights of stairs to the top of a building in theatreland in search of a fancy-dress costume. I found myself in a room full of rails crammed tight with bright costumes. And there, standing in front of them, was the strangest person I have ever seen. She was wearing a lacy Dangerous Liaisons number with bursting décolletage and enormous side hoops, and she was smiling a disconcertingly wide smile. When I told her I had come to hire a fancy-dress costume she shrieked as if someone had stuck a cattle prod up her bottom. ‘Oh, how exciting!’ Barely had I started to explain that I wanted a tasteful costume for a small house party than she shrieked again. ‘Yes, yes! A dancer from the Moulin Rouge!

Sometimes the irritations are so great, you just have to stand up and be irritating right back. So it was that I found myself loitering under an ugly new sign at the bottom of my road, holding a petition. ‘Excuse me, sir? Would you like to protest about these horrible signs? They cost £1,000 of your taxpayer’s money and as you can see they are obtrusive, ruin our view of the common and serve no purpose whatsoever except to advertise the local authority.’ I love Nimbyism. I think it is a much underrated attitude. I can’t understand why it’s so frowned upon. In fact, I think it’s really hypocritical and shortsighted of politicians to object to people objecting.

You couldn’t make it up If I’m ever stuck for a plot for a dark and twisted dystopian sci-fi novel I must remember to open my front door and start a conversation with a traffic warden. You are always guaranteed a richly surreal and deeply macabre experience when you engage with the bizarre regime of local authorities which charge people to park outside their own homes. The other day I went out to remonstrate with a warden over a fine that had been issued to my father for parking slightly to the left of the correct bay for visitors. He’d only been there a few minutes, and as the visitor bay was empty it was obviously an honest mistake. But of course we know that is not how it works.

Hotels frighten me. I can only approach them armed with industrial-strength earplugs, a box of teabags, a jar of Marmite, an orthopaedic pillow, a towelling robe and slippers that fit, a large bag of apples, some bottles of mineral water, a scented candle and a DVD boxset of Columbo. ‘What the hell have you got in this case?’ asked a colleague as he helped me out of the taxi at the hotel where we were staying for the Tory conference in Manchester. ‘Too many outfits,’ I said. Because I really didn’t want to list the sad collection of home comforts I had packed in a bid to get myself through the next four days without throwing a tantrum at reception. Why does it have to be this way?

Just when I thought the junk mail on my doormat couldn’t get any more pointless, a record-breakingly worthless form of advertising has begun to pour in. It’s from my local Labour council showing off the inventive new ways it has found of spending my money. The other day I got a leaflet telling me about a ‘community action fund’ which has been mysteriously allocated a quarter of a million pounds — apparently it just fell out of the sky — to spend on three local projects and I get to choose. Whoopee. Would I like to spend the money on...drum roll...

The insufferably smug family in the BT commercials is now more than an annoyance to me. Whenever I see them, I throw whatever I have in my hands at the television set and scream, ‘Liars!’. I have hated the BT family for years. Unlike the Oxo family, which was reassuringly grouchy and came to the table sulking murderously only to be cheered up partially by Lynda Bellingham’s instant gravy, the BT family is ‘modern’ and politically correct. It consists of a gormless-looking young guy with ruffled hair played by the idiot son from My Family, who has fallen in love with a kooky, tawny-haired, twinkly-eyed divorcee with a dazzling array of children of all ages who he is now attempting to father by being pally and ‘modern’ with them.

What a pleasure it has been to have workmen digging up my street. No, seriously. I want to pay tribute to British Gas and Morrison and all the other contractors who have been tunnelling into my home, tearing out shrubs and ripping up floorboards in order to lay horrible-looking pipes attached to huge and hideous new gas meters. Normally, of course, I would complain gustily about the fact that I have been mired in the most colossal inconvenience, bereft of gas for hours on end, subjected to endless drilling and digging, day after day for weeks. But it has been an absolute pleasure, every minute of it. And do you know why? Because of the abundance of real men it has brought along.

When I arrive on my deathbed the thing that will torment me most is the amount of time I’ve spent on the phone to Vision Express arguing about when my eye test is due. It reduces me to tears when I think of the wasted hours spent trying to reason with twenty-somethings puffed up into merciless autocrats by an optometrist-assistant training course. Hours when I could have been doing something more life-affirming, such as rearranging my socks. The thing about optometristic autocrats is that they worship the computer more than anyone else on the planet. If the computer at Vision Express pronounced that you were to be boiled in oil, the people who serve behind the counter there would happily put you in a vat and stir you with a big spoon.

One of my enduring preoccupations is that somehow, some day, I will figure out a way to ‘beat the system’. Every now and then I get a little spurt of ‘system-beating’ activity when a particular injustice I am fighting — I have several dozen on the go at any one time — comes to a head. My efforts with one such issue reached fever pitch a few weeks ago when I had a flash of inspiration on the subject of my residential parking permit, which was up for renewal. They put the price up from £60 to £130 and I was not going to take it lying down.

Writer’s block On my to-do list: ‘Write letter to sponsored child’. It’s been there for months but I can’t shift it. It’s proving more stubborn than ‘send tax return stuff to accountant’. I had been really looking forward to it in the beginning. I had imagined myself sitting in my study like Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt, writing long, meaningful letters to the unknown child. Then, quite unexpectedly, as I agonised over what I would write in my first missive, I received a letter from the little guy. ‘Hello dear sponsor!’ he said in a flourishing ornate script in his own language, with the English translation below. He informed me that he is a seventh grader and likes natural sciences.

I’m a sucker for insurance. If you are naturally suspicious and inclined to pessimism then insurance is a drug you have no control over. You are either fantasising about how you can get more of it, or else desperately trying to make do with less of it. No matter how you adjust the dosage you can never get it right. If you are also superstitious there is an added dimension. I’m not only hooked on the insurances I have, I’m hooked on not having the insurances I don’t. For example, I did not take out a pet plan when the vet suggested it, so now the cat and rabbit must remain uncovered forever. This is because I have since spent thousands on vet bills so am committed to making my non-insurance strategy work by not adding to the expense by also taking out insurance.

Melissa Kite says that the PM is ill at ease with female colleagues. No surprise that it was the women — Blears, Flint, Kennedy — who rebelled while the men hid under the table Remember the Brown Bounce? Yes, there really was one. It was back in September 2007 and Gordon was riding high on a wave of popularity. Honestly, I’m not making this up. A YouGov poll gave the Prime Minister a commanding 11-point lead over the Tories after his appeal to traditional values at the Labour party conference. What’s more, among women voters the Labour lead was an astonishing 16 per cent — 16 per cent! Mr Brown must have fevered dreams about that now. Wavy graphs with red lines soaring above blue lines must drift past him in his sleep like Homer Simpson dreaming about beer.

My chestnut mare has almost as many emotional problems as me. There was a time when this suited us both, being two badly behaved women together. I bought her when I was feeling rebellious and free spirited. I liked the flash of defiance in her eyes. I enjoyed being accosted every time I turned up at the yard by another owner striding towards me shouting, ‘Your mare!’ From biting the top of a bald man’s head to pulling the rug off another horse’s back and ripping it to shreds, her misdemeanours demand frequent apologies and offers of financial compensation. Her temper is as erratic as mine and she is just as expert at throwing tantrums.

There was something hideously inevitable about the whole thing. I should have known it was going to happen. It was the most obvious thing in the world, when you think about it. I picked up my car from the Peugeot garage, having spent £1,200 on repairs taking two weeks and more arguing with mechanics than the astronauts of Apollo 13 must have had to go through as they were fashioning an escape pod out of the lunar landing module. When they finally brought my car out to me it was all shiny and perky looking. Even the alloys had been polished. It was, to all intents and purposes, perfect. I got into it, drove it into town, and promptly crunched the front right wing into a bollard at the entrance to an underground car park. You see, inevitable.

Being a naturally negative person I make it my business to subscribe to something called ‘Marty Dow’s positive-thought service — We can change the world one thought at a time!’ These are nice little ‘affirmations’ which arrive in my personal email exhorting me to breathe, fill my thoughts with light, visualise myself as a child of God, and so on. The other day a particularly inspiring thought arrived, all about making a conscious decision to think of a world filled with love and hope. I did the guided meditation which followed, relaxing, letting go of past experiences, releasing the old patterns, becoming open to God’s design for me. The problem was, I then had to deal with the Peugeot garage.