Mary Killen

Q. A friend in the fashion world telephoned me to say that she was sending round a handbag worth £400 for my Christmas present. She told me frankly that she would not normally spend £400 on me but she had been given this bag by a public relations person representing a certain designer and did not want it for herself. She added that, if by any chance I did not like it, she would prefer me not to sell the bag on eBay since the designer would inevitably get to hear of it and recognise the provenance of this ‘one off’. The bag duly arrived. It is a very beautiful object in its own right, but not capacious enough to be of use to me or any of my friends. Clearly I cannot return it to the shop. What should I do, Mary? It seems such a waste.Name and address withheld A.

Q. Having been well entertained by the ‘pyjama gaping’ problems and solutions, may I briefly insert my neat response? Gentlemen should obtain comfortably large pairs of Directoire ladies’ knickers in acetate fabric. Discreet shops do have them. Carefully snip into the single thickness hem where elastic is gathered at the knee. Draw out the elastic in a loop and discard it. This smooth garment is thus rendered comfortably discreet and impossible to expose — and, furthermore, it is functionally perfect for nocturnal visits to the bathroom. Acetate is preferable to nylon as the latter, despite anti-static claims, can develop interesting effects.J.B.T., Bournemouth, Dorset A.

For her traditional Christmas treat Mary has invited some of her favourite figures in the public eye to submit personal problems for her attention. From Robert HiscoxQ. Christmas time brings the threat of having to dance at a staff party. As a chairman in my sixties I wonder how to maintain any dignity when dragged on to the dance floor and faced by a gyrating young female. I believe actually holding a lady in your arms while dancing is as out of date as the Charleston, and would be highly dangerous in today’s threatening climate of employment litigation. Refusing to dance at all would be deeply stand-offish. Is there an approved ‘Chairman’s shuffle’? A. Indeed.

Q. Recently I agreed to a male friend of mine’s suggestion to take out a couple that we both know. I said that I would pay for half the dinner as the couple had entertained me many times. The male friend had recently joined an old established club and wanted to take the couple there, so I agreed. I told him to let me know discreetly at the end how much my half of the bill would be. I then arranged a convenient date with the couple as he asked me to do this. However, at the dinner itself, as the evening wore on, I became worried that the couple kept saying how nice his club was and it became clear to me that they did not realise that I was co-hosting the dinner. I waited in vain for him to mention it to them but he never did.

Dear Mary... Q. Despite misgivings, and only when further evasion would have been offensive, I accepted an invitation to a dinner party from a successful architect with whom I have a perfectly amicable business relationship. My wife and I arrived and were introduced to two other couples — friends of the hosts of apparently fairly recent standing — who proceeded to behave foully towards us, being consistently snide, hostile and argumentative. Our host remained seemingly oblivious, and made no attempt to protect us or to steer the conversation in more enjoyable directions. We emerged, numbed, from a thoroughly hateful evening. Despite a carefully worded thank-you letter, I continue to receive invitations and suggestions for a further get-together.

Q. I was rather hurt yesterday when I delivered my 80-year-old mother to the Carlton Club at 3 p.m. to meet her friends and have tea and the porter would not allow me in. ‘Madam, are you wearing jeans!’ Too true — Armani jeans, Jermyn Street shirt, Burberry mac, flat ankle-length leather boots and small smart black leather shoulder bag. So out in the street — a five-hour round trip and not even a cup of tea. Thanks, Carlton Club. Advice please. J.M.A., address withheld A. Since you have a mother of 80 you must be at least 34 yourself.

Dear Mary... Q. As an elderly art-lover, I was thrilled to be invited to the private views of exhibitions by both Julian Barrow and his brother Andrew. Alas, I see these take place on the very same night next week and, as I am now nearly 90 and practically bedridden, I really cannot risk the mid-evening trek from Julian’s landscapes at the Fine Art Society to Andrew’s alphabet collages at the Rebecca Hossack in Fitzrovia. As both brothers are hypersensitive, would it be tactful to chuck both parties rather than attend only one of them?E.E., London NW6 A. I have good news for you. I have consulted the galleries in question and find that Andrew opens in Windmill Street on Monday 21 November and Julian the following night in Bond Street.

Dear Mary... Q. My wife and I have an old and dear friend who lives abroad. She divorced her husband some years ago and lives alone. We are both very fond of her and are usually delighted to see her whenever she is in England. My wife has a timeshare in the Lakes which we go to at the same time each year. We often invite guests who have included our friend but from time to time we do enjoy going by ourselves. This year we hoped to do this, but our friend invited herself, making it a very difficult week. Worse, she expressed the intention of joining us again next year — in spite of our pointed hints that we wanted to be by ourselves for once. How, without spoiling a valued friendship, do we make it clear that she is not wanted unless we invite her?M.B., Warwickshire A.

Dear Mary... Q. You suggest (22 October) that scrap suppers be served on site following private views in art galleries. May I suggest the very same practice might well reverse the decline in numbers of young people attending classical concerts? For friendless, new to London perhaps, but unpushy lovers of classical music, it would surely be an incentive to know that, for an extra £10 on their ticket, they could eat a simple hot supper with a glass of wine, meet and chat to the musicians and mingle in like-minded civilised company following a performance. M.M., London W8 A. Of course you are right. Some administrators are already cottoning on to this punter-magnetising idea.

Dear Mary... Q. I have recently inherited a beautiful tapestry from an uncle of whom I was particularly fond, and who, I believe, was rather fond of me. While my cousin — who is shortly to move into her late father’s house — is happy to respect his wishes and let me have the tapestry, her husband is less enthusiastic and is more than a little exercised as to what to put in the place of this work, which occupies almost all of one wall of the dining-room. That empty wall will make me feel uncomfortable every time I visit. I get on very well with my cousin and would dearly like to do something to help them out, but so far have drawn a blank. S.V.Z., London SW10 A. A new technological development will ease your distress.

Dear Mary... Q. I am an artist and will shortly be showing my latest works in a one-man show. I beg your advice on how I can circumvent the social difficulty which blights many private views — namely, what to do about having something to eat after the show? Clearly a two-tier system of those who are invited to go on to a restaurant and those who are not would be invidious, so I would like everyone to feel welcome. The problem is not only the fluid numbers but also the nightmare of trying to get dawdlers out of the gallery and into the restaurant in the first place, let alone to give their orders. I cannot foot the bill personally, so there will be the problem of dividing it up between those who have drunk vast quantities and those on Evian water, etcetera.

Dear Mary... Q. Your child of not super-rich parents (8 October) needs to be aware that, if his parents hand ownership of their house to him, for the transfer to be valid for tax purposes they would then have to pay a full rent to him, and they might not want or be able to do this. T.W.A., Surrey A. Yes my correspondent might well have found that this was the case and it might well not suit the parents to shell out the full rent. However, the point was to prompt the parents into confronting the issue of legal tax avoidance in the first place so that they can take action sooner rather than later. Q. Re: pyjama trouser options.

Dear Mary... Q. I am the only child of parents in their seventies who are not super-rich but who do own a house in Dorset worth more than the £265,000 one is allowed to inherit before the 40 per cent inheritance tax comes into play. Ideally they would hand ownership of the house over to me now in the hope that they will live for another seven years (at least!), so I can avoid paying this tax, but I feel I cannot make this suggestion to them myself. Nevertheless it is impractical not to take what steps one legally can to prevent wasting money. What do you suggest, Mary? Name and address withheld A. Casually mention to your parents that you have made an appointment with your own solicitor because you need to draw up your will, or amend your existing one.

Dear Mary... Q. Pyjama gape or not, aprons should not be worn by a gentleman. The pyjama gape correspondence originated in Aldeburgh and the solution lies no further away than nearby Leiston, where the renowned Volga Linen Company (www.volgalinen.co.uk, 01728 635020) has among its sublime products linen pyjamas whose tops reach the knees, which I imagine should be sufficient for most wearers.P.J., by email A. Thank you for alerting readers to this possibility. Clicking on to the website, one can see these smart/cosy 100 per cent linen pyjamas. They are Indian in style, the colours on offer are white, natural, woad and indigo and they cost £112.

Dear Mary... Q. Staying with English friends in the south of France (about whom I have written to you before) my hosts took me to a rather raucous fancy dress party. Being sartorially challenged, I opted for a very short belly-dancing skirt and a minimalist top. My fortysomething hostess went as a Seventies go-go dancer so I did not feel underdressed. The party was made up of an eclectic mix of doctors, designers, artists, rock stars and other exotica, and after supper the music began in earnest. You cannot possibly imagine my frisson of excitement when I was smoothly and subtly led on to the dance floor by a very glamorous lesbian.

Q. I sympathise with B.M.F. (20 August). At a recent Proms concert, a superb performance of ‘Gerontius’ was ruined by a middle-aged woman continually fanning herself with her programme. It was not a hot night, and she was the only person in the hall doing so. She was very rude when someone tried to approach her about it in the interval. What do you suggest, Mary?J.McC., London W8 A. In these situations it is always easier to use a third person as a human buffer than to deal directly with a miscreant who may be defensive. You could have whispered to one of the people sitting next to the fanner ,‘Excuse me, could you possibly ask your friend to stop fanning? Everyone in the rows behind is finding it very distracting.

Q. We live in a tiny village in the Drakensberg range of South Africa. The social life is frenetic, but mores are rigidly observed, especially one which dictates that invitations to a meal require reciprocity in a relatively short time. Our problem is that some close friends seem to have forgotten (we are, after all, mostly in retirement mode) that it is now their turn to entertain, and they haven’t invited us to dine with them for several months, long past the norm. Clearly we cannot discuss this with them, and we are unwilling to ‘double up’, so to speak, since this will not solve the impasse. This situation is not unique to us, and therefore your reply will be helpful to many members of our social circle.J.D., Wakkerstroom, South Africa A.

Dear Mary... Q. We were recently married and a number of people who had informed us that they were coming failed to appear on the day. Besides the disappointment, our catering was not cheap and these no-shows cost us a considerable sum. We had to be tough with numbers, and we had a few people who were slightly hurt not to have been invited. We could have used the places for them. Our question is this: should we chastise the people who failed to appear? If so, how? M. & K.M., Cairns, Queensland, Australia A. Twenty years ago, had RSVP’d wedding guests failed to materialise, one would have expected the worst — a car crash, serious illness, a family death....

Dear Mary... Q. My husband and I were guests at a five-day house party in Scotland. Most of the other guests were heavy drinkers and on the first night one of them actually entered our bedroom in the middle of the night and got into our double bed with us. Neither of us slept well after this because there was no lock on the door and we were on tenterhooks every night in case there should be a repeat incident. Everyone parted on the best of terms and we did enjoy the holiday, but we returned from it shattered. We are soon to go for a weekend with a similar cast of characters and do not wish to become phobic, but feel it would be uncool were we to move furniture in our room so as to form a blockade at the door. How can we discourage nocturnal incursions?W.W. and D.W., London SW3 A.

Dear Mary... Q. My wife and I have had a number of people to stay at our seaside house this summer. We are writers and since most of our friends are what would be called ‘arty types’ we are usually a very relaxed party. Nevertheless I still feel ill at ease when hosting breakfast in pyjamas, which is usually the case, because of the insecure aperture of the traditional pyjama trouser. Should one inadvertently give offence, what is the correct apology? How do other men manage to keep the aperture from gaping when in mixed company? C.B., Aldeburgh, Suffolk A.