Mary Killen

Q. My cousin and her husband recently went to a dinner party. When they compared notes later, it emerged that the husband had seen the cat before dinner with its paw and tongue in the butter dish, which was then placed on the table, and the wife had seen the cat sitting in the bowl of fresh salad which was also then served. How could they have warned each other and the other guests without offending the hostess, who adores her cats? E.S., London W11 A. Should this happen again it would be advisable for the witness to affect to sneeze over the dishes in question. He/she could then announce, ‘I’m so sorry. I absolutely insist on being allowed to rewash the salad and scrape a few centimetres off the butter all the way round. You can never be too careful.’ Q.

Q. Several chums have contacted me ‘as friends’ to alert me to the latest rumour about my extracurricular activities — to wit, according to the local Notting Hill bush telegraph, I am having an affair with a banker worth several hundred million in our social circle. As ever, I am last to know. This is annoying on several levels: I am married, so is he; though I enjoy the company of the chap in question, we’ve yet to exchange Christmas cards, let alone anything more intimate. I also resent the implication that I would commit adultery with someone just because he is rich, handsome and kind, and the disrespect to my husband and, indeed, his wife that this gossip entails.

Q. I know someone who is a theatre producer, an extremely generous man who never says no to anyone, whose secretary is besieged with calls from friends of his wanting (often free) tickets for Oliver! How can she deal with this without offending them? How can he continue coming off like a saint? It is doing the poor secretary’s head in. Name and address withheld A. So that the applicants can avoid feeling like members of a salon de refusés or that other friends have been given priority, the secretary must say that the producer had allocated his block of special tickets to a charity. ‘We are hoping that some of these will be returned,’ she can say.

Q. A friend from university invited my boyfriend and me to stay with her parents in a very grand house over New Year. We were made very welcome, but my boyfriend felt out of his depth in at least one instance and wonders what you would have advised. On New Year’s Day there was a large number of people for lunch. The butler went round the table with a tray of roast beef, offering it to each person in turn to help themselves. The piece my boyfriend tried to take was attached by gristle to a sort of concertina of other slices and when he tried to cut through the gristle the butler did not respond by exerting resistant pressure from underneath the tray but instead slackened his grip so my boyfriend could not cut through.

Q. I moved down from Scotland to London about two years ago with my family. When my husband is away or working late, I regularly have dinner with a (platonic) male friend who used to live near us up north. He now lives in north London and I live in south. We always meet at the same restaurant, which is exactly halfway between us. We always really enjoy the chat. We always split the bill. The only trouble is that he drinks — not very much, but enough to preclude him from driving — and I have recently given up drinking so I always have my car outside. He used to get taxis back but the last three times we have met he has expected me to drive him home.

Once again Mary has invited some of her favoured persons of distinction to submit Christmas queries. From Sir Tim Rice Q. I have recently employed a full-time driver. A friend (a well-known art dealer and social gadabout) has informed me and many of my close circle that it is considered common to sit in the back of a car when being driven. This has caused me some distress. I am painfully aware that among the highly competitive brotherhood of drivers I may be harming my new employee’s standing by not sitting in the front with him. Of course, it would be foolish to take this issue to the extremes of a late friend of mine, a distinguished cricket writer who was such a snob that he refused to be in the same car as his driver, but I would very much like to keep all concerned happy.

Q. I am godmother to a dear eight-year-old boy whose parents are separated. Every so often I try to see the little chap by inviting him to lunch in a smart restaurant for a treat. However the last two times that I have done this his father has trumped me by coming too and insisting on paying for the lunch, in fact settling it with the maître d’ behind my back. How can I get around this difficulty, Mary, since the boy’s birthday looms and once again I have arranged to take him to his favourite restaurant? S.L.B., Barnes A. Simply allow the father to do his usual trick but, as you leave, hand the eight-year-old boy a parcel containing a money box (very much back in fashion) containing cash to the value of what you would have spent on the two of you having lunch. Q.

Q. I have a well-established and generally wonderful cleaning woman whose job, in her view, includes chatting. This was fine in the past when my children were out at school all day but now my 16-year-old son is attending sixth-form college and comes back to work at home between lessons. I have asked my ‘treasure’ to leave him undisturbed at this time but she seems not to take the request seriously. She just goes into the room where he works, sits down on the arm of his chair and chats away. A ‘Do Not Disturb’ notice on the door has had no effect. We do not want to wreck the door by having to have a lock fitted. What do you suggest, Mary? It is so important that he concentrates. How can we stop her without hurting her feelings? C.J., Oxford A.

Q. The art and engineering expertise of the modern corsetière has brought great happiness to men of a more traditional, and red-blooded, disposition. To what extent should one be permitted to address admiring glances at a well-presented embonpoint: in other words, at what stage does healthily lustful and artistic appreciation become a leer? And does the rule change according to the age of the owner of the chest concerned? R.A.P., St Saviour, Guernsey A. It is incorrect to leer directly at an embonpoint of any vintage — even when blatantly display-mounted on the chest of its owner. You should admire it silently from a distance or in a mirror. If you must compliment someone on their looks, you should always compliment on their general appearance.

Q. At a packed piano recital the other night, we were the only ones who didn’t have white hair, so had every reason to expect good manners to prevail. Nevertheless, during Träumerei, a lady started peeling apart a cellophane wrapper. It was a long, loving and loud process, and to judge by the surreptitious movement with which she finally raised the sweetmeat to her mouth, she knew she was doing wrong. The concert hall acoustics heartbreakingly magnified the sound and ruined my enjoyment of this piece. It may also have enraged the famous pianist, who did not favour us with an encore. What should we have done? S.T., Wiltshire A.

Q. I am 44 and, for various reasons, have been single for about five years, but I now have a girlfriend. When people ring to invite me to dinner, I would like to say, ‘I have a girlfriend now. Can I bring her?’, but I do not want to embarrass anyone since I am well aware that one of the reasons I receive so many invitations is because people like to have a spare man at the table. On the other hand, I wonder whether maybe some of my hosts would like to meet my wonderful girlfriend and might be quite happy to invite her too. How should I sound people out, Mary, without putting them on the spot? T.T., Edinburgh A. Reply, ‘Oh, no, I’m busy that night, but maybe I can get out of it.

Q. For some years before my retirement, I worked with a male colleague who, for as long as I had known him, was quite bald. He is now in his late fifties and, I’m told, is sporting a very obvious hair transplant. As I believe we’ll meet at a mutual friend’s house during the Christmas season, I’m at a loss to know how to react to his changed appearance. Does one congratulate him on his new ‘look’ or affect not to notice the transformation? M.H., Berry, NSW, Australia As a general rule it is best to avoid commenting on personal appearances — there has been too much flattery and the currency has been devalued. Yet in this special situation you will have to use a one-off dose of insincerity.

Q. May I pass on a tip to readers? Now is the time of year to plant soft fruit bushes. Blackcurrants are a superfood and, if the berries are frozen, a few bushes will provide a whole family’s vitamin C needs throughout the winter of 2009. Think of the savings on supermarket juices. G.W., Wiltshire A. Thank you for this tip. Q. I am a member of a golf club that is considered to be one of the best in southern England and where non-members enjoy playing. Naturally, in addition to paying an annual subscription, there is a cost if one invites a guest to play. As is usual with this type of established club, the cost is not exorbitant.

Your problems solved Q. When my 16-year-old son has friends round I fill the fridge with beer for them. The other night, for example, ten boys came over. I know for a fact that only five of them really drink, yet after they had gone I found all 25 bottles had been opened and about ten left with just a couple of sips taken out of them. I think this is because the boys all want to pretend they drink but keep mislaying their bottles and opening another one. I had to throw all ten bottles away. In the credit crunch I would like to crack down on this waste but without seeming inhospitable. (My husband and I make ourselves scarce in the upstairs flat while these otherwise harmless parties are taking place.) What do you say, Mary? B.B., London SW12 A.

Q. Next week I will visit London where I have been invited to an exhibition in Cork Street by the artist Richard Foster. Since I understand he is one of the so-called Pinstripe Painters, I wonder if you can advise me whether it will be de rigueur to wear a pinstripe suit myself? I worry this may be thought bad taste in consideration of the current kerfuffle in the banking world. A. Pinstripe suits have long been controversial items but the reality is that they are worn, not by bankers, but almost exclusively by estate agents and theatricals. Neither, misleadingly, are they worn by the ‘so-called Pinstripe Painters’ (who also include country house painters Julian Barrow and Edmund Fairfax-Lucy).

Q. Last week I gave lunch to my dear goddaughter and her equally dear mother in a fashionable restaurant. Both my goddaughter and I were rendered speechless when her mother produced a plastic bottle of water from her handbag and commenced to swig from it. The situation was quickly remedied when we both upbraided her soundly and water was obtained from the management. My question is: what should we have done if we had not been in a position to be so frank with the swigger, given the live-forever industry’s continued insistence on the constant public overconsumption of this fluid? J.S., Goring Heath A. You would have calmly said to the offender, ‘Do let me have your water’, then decanted it into a glass without further ado.

Your problems solved Q. I am visited by my 30-year-old godson who, quite often, brings a girlfriend to stay for the weekend. As I live in the country and have a septic system, I would like to remind him not to flush prophylactics down the lavatory. I appreciate that people in my situation often choose to place a notice to this effect in the guest bathroom, but I fear that if I were to do this now it might be seen as accusatory. What do you suggest? M.H., Berry, NSW, Australia A. Even in Australia such a notice would be too explicit. Instead, arrange to receive a telephone call from a friend posing as a plumber shortly after the youth and girl next arrive to stay. Take the call in front of them, in full irritable mode. Say things like ‘When can you come and clear it?

Q. For her wedding present I gave my 28-year-old goddaughter a cheque, about five times the value that I would give to a mere family friend. I have now received a note from her which reads, ‘Thank you for the generous present. I hope you enjoyed the wedding...’ For some reason I feel that not enough gratitude has been expressed. How do I convey this without causing offence to her or to her parents, who are still my very close friends? Name and address withheld A. Some readers will be impressed that you received a letter at all, since so many twenty-somethings suffer from ‘entitlement syndrome’. All that will change, of course, in forthcoming months.

Your problems solved Q. When my husband retired two years ago I was pleased that I would no longer be obliged to be polite to his colleague, Bob. Now my husband says the reason he’s so restless at night is that he keeps having hectic action-adventure dreams featuring Bob. On holiday, Bob managed to infiltrate our room in Corsica. I don’t like Bob, Mary. How can I evict him from my bedroom? D.M., Cannes, France A. The dreams suggest that your husband stepped down too early and that the disturbing figure of Bob has become conflated with his former high-octane activities. He should now take up some part-time low-octane work. This would not only satisfy his continuing lust for the adrenalising thrill of achievement it would also present him with new colleagues.

Q. I have lived in Indochina for more than six years but I am still invited to various society weddings, exhibition openings, concerts and parties in London. Here in Cochinchina plenipotentiaries are kind enough to include me to garden parties on their national days and receptions when they have visiting dignitaries. Even my host government extends its welcome on occasion. My problem is, how to display these invitations in a house without fireplaces and therefore without mantelpieces? One doesn’t want it assumed that one has become a social pariah just because one lives overseas and it would be a shame if visiting friends failed to realise that I am a part of the English social scene.