Mary Killen

Q. On a recent visit to France, I met an old acquaintance from our village in England in the local market town. She invited me back to see her house and we went out to dinner that night and upon our return it became obvious that her intentions were amorous. Resisting her advances, I priggishly insisted on my own room for the night and retired to have a bath. The next morning I discovered that my treasured watch, left to me by my father, had disappeared from the bathroom, where I had left it the night before, beside my car keys, which were still there. Sadly the woman has form. She once removed a fax machine from a mutual friend’s house while he was away on holiday. Mary, how can I get my watch back, without actually having to call the woman a thief? Name and address withheld A.

Q. A new flatmate at university is very likeable but I get the feeling that she only half listens to what I have to say. When we are chatting at the kitchen table, for example, she interrupts me, often mid-story, to tell a story of her own. This will invariably be very entertaining but it still feels a bit insulting that she did not bother listening to the end of what I was saying. How can I tactfully cure her of this habit without making her feel that I am jealous of her being wittier or having more interesting names to drop than I do? Name withheld, Leeds A. If you were jealous you would allow her to continue with this bad habit. Nobody wants to feel that what they have to say is not worth listening to, just because somebody amusing is present to take the stage.

Q. A dear friend invited me to stay. There was a firm notice on the first landing saying ‘no dogs allowed upstairs’ but my little whippet is used to sleeping with me and she is very good. I smuggled her up to my room where, unfortunately, she had an accident within the bed. This is something which has never happened before. She must have had a tummy upset. Mary, I am a single man with no experience of laundry. I was leaving before dawn to go shooting and the help was not due in for a couple of hours. I felt I would be doing the right thing if I left the sheet to soak in my ensuite bathroom. Now my girlfriend points out that my hosts will attribute the accident to me, rather than to my dog, and I feel deeply embarrassed.

Q. I was invited to a very informal kitchen supper by a friendly neighbour and his wife. It would be just the three of us, and I strolled round there in anticipation of an enjoyable few hours of exchanging indiscretions. My problem is that when I walked into the kitchen I saw an open laptop at one end of the table laid for three — in the fourth place as it were. The screen showed a man I had not met before waving, apparently at me, and raising a glass of wine in my direction. My host boasted that he had just got Skype which would enable us to ‘have dinner’ with this man, another great friend of his, who lives in Johannesburg but who could see us through a camera in the laptop at our end. I must admit I was disappointed by this virtual intrusion.

Q. My very green sister-in-law delivered Christmas presents to our children this year by taking a train to our local station then cycling five miles from the station with the presents on her back in a jute bag. Each one was wrapped, not in paper but in cloths, which she asked me to retain, suggesting I use them to wrap her own children’s presents for Christmas 2010. This made me feel bad since the week before I had already delivered (by car) presents to her children in traditional ‘toxic’ non-biodegradable wrapping paper. I also find it slightly oppressive to have to think about these eco-friendly wrapping cloths for a further year before I can get rid of them. What are the rules on wrapping paper, Mary? Is it now a breach of etiquette to use traditional paper?

Q. As everyone knows, it is very hard to find non-cowboy plumbers in London so when our boiler broke, we went straight to an established firm of professionals. We paid £90 per plumber per hour but the job was done properly — by uniformed men who turned up on time and gave us a five-year guarantee. My problem is that my housekeeper, who I have had for nearly 30 years, kept trying to chat to the men while they were working, despite her knowing how much they were charging. The plumbers were very professional but she definitely distracted them. She even brought in her family photograph album, and asked them to look at pictures of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

Once again Mary has invited some of her most distinguished readers to submit Christmas queries. From: Sir Norman Rosenthal Q. I have an old friend who for some years has run an art gallery near Bond Street. I must have said something bad about him to somebody. It clearly got back to him and after a very unpleasant letter he has crossed me off his invitation and party list. This makes me very sad, as I now never get to see his artists who are all friends of mine. I am also very close to the gallery owner’s mother-in-law. She is well into her nineties, but very active, and we often go to concerts together. My wife does not object. After the concert I take her home in a taxi. She holds my hand and once said to me, ‘Norman, you and I, we are an item!

Q. I have a small flat in a northern seaside town which I use when visiting my son, whose own property is an hour’s drive away. He also stays there when visiting for business meetings, so keeps a set of keys for my flat at his home. His 17-year-old daughter recently asked me the address of the flat, without saying why. Then, when last I arrived there, I found La Senza underwear on the floor, strange shampoo in the bathroom and curtains drawn. No doubt in my mind who had been there. (I can definitely rule out my son.) Mary, my son now denies that my granddaughter would ever do such a thing as stay in my flat without permission. Clearly if she had asked, I would have been delighted to allow her to stay, but I’m upset that she didn’t. So how do I prevent a family row?

Q. The other night I attended an enjoyable lecture on the Mitford sisters at the British Institute in Florence, the former townhouse of Harold and William Acton, who were lifelong friends of the sisters. The library where the lecture was delivered was packed to the rafters. My enjoyment was spoiled, however, by the ordinary, conversation-level chatter which was taking place between two ladies in front of me, one on each side of the aisle — and they were not even talking about the Mitfords! I am shortly to give a lecture myself, on a similar theme, and would find myself quite undermined were such an intercourse to start up while I was talking. Mary, how do you suggest I tackle such interruptions if they happen to me on my own lecture tour? M.W., Wiltshire A.

Q. At a recent event a close friend of mine said something deeply hurtful about my wife’s looks to a mutual friend. This took place in front of me. Instead of hitting him I retreated and have been in a seething funk ever since. I can’t tell my wife because his words would hit her very hard, not least because she has acted as a deeply kind and above all loyal confidante to him during a turbulent decade in his own love life. How can I let the cad know how I feel without undermining or disabusing my beloved wife? Name and address withheld A. This kind of behaviour smacks of classic intolerance to alcohol although, if out of character, it could equally suggest a pathology in the cerebellum.

Q. I have a son at day school in London. Every couple of weeks or so, one or other of his friends will invite him to their 18th birthday party. Because we have met many of the parents over the years, my husband and I are often invited too. While we are more than happy to drop our son off and stay for an hour at one of these parties for a bit of bonding in his milieu, we always make it clear that we cannot stay for longer. The problem is that the host parents — who are, of course, desperate for adult company — often put great pressure on us to stay. Not only does our son not want us cramping his style for the whole evening, but we really cannot give up the time. We are often half-tempted to stay but know we will regret it the next day.

Q. A good friend and respected colleague, a QC who crossed into commerce, has of late enjoyed some success in that field, becoming chairman of two significant companies. This has buoyed his self-esteem which was not previously especially low in the water. Recently the FT saw fit to profile him in their ‘Power Player’ series, describing him as ‘a ferocious intellect’, among other things. He is now to be heard professing a lifelong admiration for the perspicacity of the FT editorial team. To date he has indeed been a clever, witty and immensely enjoyable colleague, but any objective survey would also report a lack of height and hair, along with a keen appetite for alcohol.

Q. At a party recently I was bearded by a woman who effectively pinned me against a wall while she lectured me about an aspect of my work that has just reached the public domain. No one came to rescue me for about 20 minutes. How can one get away from people in situations like this without causing offence? A.D., London SW1 A. Glance over the shoulder of the overbearing person as though your attention has been distracted by someone gesturing at you. Mouth ‘just coming’ to the imaginary person. Then say, ‘What a nightmare. I am being dragged away…’ Finish your sentence and move on, shaking your head reluctantly. Q. I own a house in Normandy.

Q. I am in the lower sixth at school. The following problem arises quite frequently and I would like your advice. When we pupils go to get our lunch it is self-service and by the time you have loaded your tray you are in no mood to hang around with it before sitting down. What happens to me is that I often can’t see any of the other guys in my house and then I will sit down with some of the girls in my year but I won’t really have anything to say to them and then suddenly I will see the people I was looking for in the first place sitting quite nearby. At that point I can’t get up and move because it would be too rude. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could move without being rude? Name withheld, Wiltshire A.

Q. The other night I met someone with whom I got on really well. Yet because I am a young journalist and she is an editor, I did not email her the next day, in the normal way, to say, ‘Let’s keep in touch’. I thought it might seem pushy and as though I was looking for work. Mary, was I right to hold back in this case, given the professional implications? Name withheld, London A. No. It is fine to email such people met socially. If they are at the top of their profession they will be pushy themselves and will welcome your initiative. They will also welcome having received your contact details in this easy way and being able to file them with just a click.

Q. I recently went to a birthday dinner. The tables were very big and round, meaning that conversation was only really possible with the people sitting on either side of you. The man on my right, however — someone I had never met before — had something very large nesting in the hair of his left nostril. With the best will in the world, I thought I might be sick if I were to turn, as I should have done, and so I hardly talked to him at all. I did not want to be rude and feel very guilty. Mary, how would you have tackled this problem? R.J., London W11 A. Readers will empathise with your revulsion. Yet the truth is that everyone would prefer to be told, even if it has to be by someone they have just met. You can break the news prettily by sourcing two tissues.

Q. We are in the habit of entertaining guests from overseas, including a countess, at a bush camp in one of the excellent KwaZulu Natal game reserves. Usually we go, in a group of up to eight, on game walks, which bring us up close to animals including rhinos. From time to time, when a rhino coughs or stomps or advances in our direction we have to scramble up into the branches of nearby (if we are lucky) trees. This is predictably wild and disorganised and less agile guests tend to clog up access to the branches. As a host I would like some advice on protocols please, Mary. Would it be correct for me to lead the scrambled retreat and be the first to leap into the branches — I am usually the fittest and most agile of the group — and pull the others up behind me?

Q. A close, though fairly new, friend of mine is an influential art critic. I suppose it is only natural that other friends should now be always asking me for his home address or to bring him along to their exhibition or to the exhibitions of their children. The problem is that they then send invitations which inevitably arrive with a mention of my name and so, even when the work is clearly bad, my friend feels he must attend the shows as a favour to me. I do not want to have all my own favours, as it were, used up on other people. Nor do I want to waste my friend’s time, but without being with him when he opens the invitations I can hardly reverse the endorsements. How can I stem this tide without seeming as though I am blocking people’s careers?

Q. Can you please advise. If you have been invited to meet someone at a club or a restaurant for a meeting or get-together, and you arrive before them (either because you are early or they are late for some reason), is it polite to accept the offer of a drink from the staff and make yourself comfortable? Or is it better manners to wait until your host arrives but then risk the embarrassment of their discomfort which has been added to by your own fastidious manners and patience? Assuming they are going to pick up the tab (it was definitely their invitation) one wouldn’t order a glass of champagne, but on the other hand one doesn’t want to sit there with a glass of water and the air of a nervous interviewee either. What would you recommend? P.R., London W11 A.

Q. Caught short by unexpected guests and an empty larder, in desperation I opened a can of high-end cat food (Fancy Feast brand — chicken, heart & liver flavour), mixed in a shot of brandy and served it as ‘pate’ with some water biscuits. It was delicious (the brandy cutting some of the natural gaminess of the product) — so popular in fact (I confess I repeated this performance with a subsequent group of expected guests) that now friends are asking for the recipe. I’m tempted to laugh it off and come clean — an economical tip for these straitened times, but my wife is mortified. What do you suggest? Name withheld, Port of Spain, Trinidad PS. Don’t try this with the fish flavour unless your guests have been drinking heavily. A.