Mary Killen

Q. Might I suggest an alternative solution to E.B. of London’s problem (3 October) about the person sporting a ‘maddening’ blackhead at a poolside party? Surely a more tactful way of drawing the man’s attention to the blackhead would have been for E.B. to pretend she thought it was an insect that had landed. On failing to shoo it away, she could have exclaimed that it might be a tick and he should remove it and then offered to assist in this operation. The nuisance could thus have been dealt with without the poor man even discovering that he had an embarrassing zit. — J.P., Stratford upon Avon A. Thank you. The first part of your solution is good but the second part is unusable, since a tick bite can be such a real menace.

Q. A friend of mine is performing a recital in Dublin and has sent round an email advertising the time and date and asking if people will come to hear him play. I’ve already seen him performing once and it was pretty dire the first time round. Now I feel pressure is being put on me to go and see him yet again. As I live in Ireland and he’s given me plenty of notice, I don’t know how I can get out of it but dread the prospect of sitting through another hour of misery. He’s a sweet man and I don’t want to hurt him. — Name and address withheld A. Group emails like this are intended more as information than three-line whips to attend.

Q. I am an impoverished artist living in a famously cheap European city, largely for reasons of economy. I love it when friends and family relieve the monotony of lonely days in my garret by coming to stay, but every time anyone does they want to go to all the museums and galleries, which represents a serious outlay of money for me. Not to mention the restaurants. Given that I’ve been to all of these places umpteen times, how can I tactfully suggest that my guests go alone? —Name and address withheld A. Why not invent the existence of an art and restaurants club which allows residents of the city a certain number of discounted visits per month? When visitors suggest a visit to a museum or restaurant, explain that you have already used up your discounts for that month.

Q. Some years ago, while appearing as a barrister before a bench of three magistrates in the youth court, I encountered a problem. As I rose to address the chairman of the bench I found myself looking at an entirely androgynous figure with short brown hair, soft features and any physical indications of sex obscured beneath a large woolly jumper. After a moment’s panic — the custom is to address the court through the chairman using ‘sir’ or ‘madam’ — I fell back on the anachronism ‘your worships’, a phrase only used by the most pompous and elderly of police officers, thereby making an utter fool of myself. What else could I have done, Mary? — M.H., Monmouth A.

Q. I regularly travel on the Ashford-St Pancras train and usually put my case on the seat next to me so that passengers can pass along the aisle, after which I put it down by my feet. Last week a woman pointed at it and said loudly, ‘Does that deserve a seat of its own?’ Irritated that my travel etiquette had been called into question, I sought out the woman and tried to explain. She was rude and dismissive, said ‘Have you made your point?’ and told me to go away. I did so, because her two young children and someone I took to be her mother were seated with her and, from their body language, had seen it all before. I fear she is a serial bossy-boots. I am a retired woman of a certain age, far from robust, and feel I was bullied.

Q. I am going on a late holiday with a group of people who are keen on nude swimming, which I am not. The owner of the house has said that the pool area is secluded, so there will be no stopping them. I don’t want to strip off myself, not least because I am 53 (which is the average age of the group). What excuse can I make without appearing staid? — Name and address withheld A. The peer pressure will be enormous, but you can resist it by announcing on day one that you will be staying in your costume.

Q. How do you persuade someone drunk to leave a party when it doesn’t make sense for them to stay? When the taxi arrived to take me and two friends back to my house after a 21st, one girl refused to leave. She said she was having too good a time. Things were already winding down, it was raining, and she would have to sleep in a tent without a sleeping bag, but she was determined to stay. She admitted the next morning that she had made the wrong decision and now she joins me in asking what could have been done at the time to persuade her to come with us. — Name and address withheld A. In this scenario it’s wise to pretend to agree with the drunk but find a way to coax them towards the means of transport. You might have said ‘Great idea!

Q. How can you tactfully tell someone that the large skin tag or blob they have grown in the centre of their forehead is disfiguring and should be removed? The person involved is a dear cousin who spends all her time do-gooding and thinking of others and is totally unvain. Her boyfriend, who should be the one to tell her, is one of those half-baked hippie types and would consider himself above commenting on anything so transient as ‘appearance’. No doubt he reassures her if she asks whether she should have it removed, but it is definitely spoiling her looks. — Name withheld, Ludlow A.

Q. Is there a polite way of not letting someone hold your baby? I love giving mine to people to hold but I don’t like it when he gets handed back to me stinking of someone’s perfume. Is there a kind way of keeping him away from anyone I don’t like the smell of, ideally without giving my son a bad reputation? — Name and address withheld A. Everyone will agree that the smell of clean baby trumps any other and that such a smell should never be overwhelmed. But there is no way of politely preventing handling by the over-perfumed. You must put up with it. After all, babies are changed three times a day so you won’t have to suffer for long and it is a small price to pay for the joy you grant to the handler.

Q. While renting in Rock last week, I ran into an acquaintance who invited me to join her large house party for supper the next night. Looking back, the group of ten or so did seem oddly surprised to see me when I arrived. Then, during the pudding course, I looked discreetly down at an incoming text and saw the reply to my own earlier text saying I was looking forward to seeing her later. It announced that she was sorry, but dinner was cancelled that night as none of her house party would be in. The mobile signal in Rock is very bad and the message had only just come through. I pretended not to have received it but she will be aware that I would have it by now. How should I thank this woman for her (involuntary) hospitality? — M.N., London SW7 A.

Q. I have learned that someone I much admired in youth is about to become single again. I only have the sketchiest details but am single myself and keen to know more. The one person who knows everyone and would know everything is a valued and highly amusing friend of mine, but she is also massively indiscreet and interfering. How can I find out more without arousing her suspicions re my own interest? Were she to guess it she would overplay my hand for me. — Name and address withheld A. Look around for a newly single man of your own vintage, then mention to your gossipy friend that he seems depressed but you are not sure why. Say no more. She will start speculating and conclude that the man is in need of a partner.

Q. Travelling on a train recently I happened to notice two former acquaintances, sitting together and very nearly opposite me, neither of whom have I spoken to for several years. The two are unknown to one another. This unfortunate coincidence left me in a difficult situation, as one is a most agreeable and attractive young lady whom ordinarily I would gladly have engaged in conversation in the hope of renewing our acquaintance, while the other is a former barman who could easily have launched into an anecdote about my rumbustious behaviour in my student days. Fearing that such an intervention might result if I spoke, I remained silent throughout the journey.

Q. The problem encountered by R.B. of Fareham (6 June) is similar to one I wish to avoid. I have organised an informal lunch for old boys of the grammar school we all joined in the 1950s, aged 11. There will be only a few there, not more than ten, and I know from previous reunions that most of them are married with children and grandchildren. The one exception is a man who used to be my best friend, whom I have recently tracked down after some 50 years when we were out of touch. This old friend informed me that he has been in a civil partnership with a man for over 40 years. I have not the slightest problem with this, but I am not sure what to say, if anything, to the others attending the lunch.

Q. I was at the theatre recently and bumped into a well-known Liverpudlian crooner coming out of the disabled lavatory. She said ‘Don’t worry, luv, it’s fine to use them if no disabled people are waiting.’ Often theatre interval queues are long and in some of London’s better restaurants the ‘disabled toilet’ is closer, cleaner and more convenient. Is there a ruling on this or was Cilla correct? — N.C., Stanton St Bernard, Wilts A. Common sense tells us Cilla is right — but it is only correct to use disabled lavatories if you can be certain you will not thereby stymie the – possibly more urgent — need of a member of the select group for whom the facility is intended.

Q. My parents brought me up to write only my name in a visitors’ book. However, following a recent long weekend in the house of a friend’s father, I was last to sign and found the other guests had all written lengthy gushing tributes to our host. If I didn’t follow suit, my own entry would seem unenthusiastic. The upshot was that I compromised and wrote my name and ‘thank you so much’. What should I have done? —N.M., Fonthill, Wilts A. You should have stuck to your guns and signed only your name. You could have explained to the others that since your predecessors had far exceeded your own ability to express exactly the same emotions, you would have had nothing more to add. Q.

Q. What should I say the next time I run into a woman with whom I was at art school but who obviously does not want to be friends with me now? I heard she had moved in round here and I was shopping in the high street when I saw her for the first time in ten years, but she looked very uncomfortable and said, ‘Must dash’, and almost got run over so eager was she to get away from me. Ten minutes later I saw her again, but when she saw me she once again beat a hasty retreat. I can’t think why she is being so unfriendly as we got on well at art school. What do you advise? —R.B., Fareham, Hampshire A. You should not have taken the snubbing personally.

Q. I felt uncomfortable during a dinner for 20 in a private house. The young man on my left had failed to turn to the woman on his left when it was time to do so and instead stared vaguely down the table with his back slightly turned to her. She looked devastated. I wonder what I could have said, without sounding nanny-like, to remind this youth of his manners and his special duty, as one of those staying in the house, to make those locals who had been invited in feel particularly welcome. I know the man’s parents vaguely and they know how to behave, but I had never seen him in this context before. — Name and address withheld A. You might have broken his narcissistic spell by whispering, ‘Is it true that the woman on your left is the second richest person in Europe?