Lloyd Evans

Gruesome rhetoric at PMQs. The horror began with Sir Keir Starmer revealing that he can tell the time. ‘It’s three minutes past twelve,’ he announced. Rowdy Tories immediately demanded to know how soon he’d alter that statement. Sir Keir postulated a medical emergency, a patient suffering from ‘chest pains and fearing a heart attack,’ hoping for an ambulance to arrive within 18 minutes. But when, he asked the Prime Minister, would the vehicle actually show up? Rishi waffled about investing extra cash in this, that and the other part of the NHS.  ‘He’s deflecting,’ said Sir Keir. ‘The clock started ticking straight away,’ meaning 12.03 with the paramedics due to show up at 12.20. ‘So I ask him again. When will that ambulance arrive?

New year, new Labour. Sir Keir deployed his latest strategy at PMQS, contrasting the Tory-run NHS with the glorious record of the Labour administration. When his party were in power, he argued, the NHS was such a triumph that hardly anyone used it. There was no need. Doctors’ appointments were available within days. Cancer referrals took no more than two weeks. Waiting lists were a fraction of their current levels, he went on, (although he quietly admitted that 2.3 million people were usually awaiting treatment when Labour ran the system). Again and again he cited his party’s golden age. Labour, Labour, Labour. Marvellous, outstanding, world class. Sir Keir’s lurch to the right is dangerous because it may goad the dormant Corbynistas into action.

What’s causing the nurses’ strike? At PMQs we found out. First, came a tale of anguish. Sir Keir raised the distressing case of 11-year-old Alex who needs a gallbladder operation. Surgical dates have been cancelled. Vital weeks at school have been missed. ‘Alex’s mum is worried sick,’ said Sir Keir, his voice trembling with outrage. ‘She wants [the PM] to explain what he is going to do to resolve the nursing strike.’ Then he upped the stakes. ‘Alex’s mum is listening,’ he said. ‘She’s tuned in now.’ This sounded ominous. Was she being detained in a panelled office near parliament, surrounded by Labour strongmen cracking their knuckles?

A decent tussle today at PMQs. Sir Keir Starmer asked the Prime Minister why he’d ditched his pledge to build 300,000 new houses a year. Rishi Sunak, ever fleet of foot, replied with shameless effrontery. The PM claimed that dropping the target was a superb Tory achievement and that it aligned seamlessly with the government’s priorities: protecting the green-belt, heeding local communities, and handing power to people at the grassroots. He dared Sir Keir to stand against those noble aims. He added that the Labour leader had said on Monday: ‘Government should be giving people more power and control.’ And today is Wednesday; so why the change of heart, asked Sunak. ‘I know he flip-flops – but even for him it’s pretty quick.’ The Tories yelled out ‘more!

It was all about education at PMQs. Sir Keir Starmer mounted a targeted attack on Winchester College whose old boys include Rishi Sunak. The Labour leader had researched the institution that he claims to despise with the fascination of a stalker.  Winchester College has a rowing club, he gushed. It has an art collection too, he marvelled. It even has a rifle-range, he panted. And the fees, he salivated, the fees come to £40,000 per year. While evidently admiring the school, he also embraces a policy of scrapping it. Why? Personal anguish. By destroying Winchester he can deal with the deep and obsessive adoration that causes him so much torment. But he framed his private turmoil as a public good.

Indyref dominated today’s PMQs. The Supreme Court has ruled out Nicola Sturgeon’s plan for a wildcat referendum, she must now proceed with Westminster’s blessing. Howls of outrage were heard from the SNP. Eight of its members stood up to complain that they felt trapped in the union against their will.  Rarely have the Scots Nats made such a splash at PMQs and their exposure today did them no favours. When a party surges in popularity, the quality of its MPs declines and it’s clear that many safe Scottish seats have fallen into the hands of incompetent duffers. Few SNP members in Westminster can craft a memorable phrase. Some struggle to ask a brief question without notes. Many are lifelong gym-dodgers. And their personal stylings are eccentric.

Jeremy Hunt – known to broadcasters by a slightly different surname) – delivered his Autumn Statement today. He did so on behalf of ‘the British,’ he said. All the way through his speech, it was British this, British that. He vowed to ‘respond to an international crisis with British values,’ whatever that means. He talked of ‘a recession made in Russia but a recovery made in Britain.’ And he claimed, rather eerily, that ‘to be British is to be compassionate,’ as if this were a heritable quality conferred by evolution on one race alone. It sounded like jingoism fuelled by globalist arrogance. On and on he flannelled. ‘British innovation…British resilience…turning Britain into the world’s next Silicon Valley.

Global Rishi was absent from PMQs today. He’s busy reclining in a supersonic airline seat, paid for by someone else, as he flies back from the G20 summit, preceded by a stint at Cop27. The aim of these endless conferences is to protect us all from the curse of low taxes, falling energy bills and national sovereignty. And the negotiations are said to be going well. As he jets needlessly around the world, campaigning to stop others from jetting needlessly around the world, Rishi is probably unaware of the petty squabbles that occupy MPs. Meanwhile, on planet earth, this is a Very Special Week in Parliament. It has its own designation and it highlights a glaring social injustice. However, which of us can actually name the important cause which is being promoted?

Has Matt Hancock gone mad? Maybe not. His appearance in ‘I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out of Here’ is part of a career move that could work well. Converting notoriety into fame pays dividends. Look at Ed Balls and Michael Portillo. Political failures, but they discovered gold on TV. A lot of observers loathe Hancock precisely because his plan may prosper.  The balding Tarzan arrived in the jungle later than most of the celebs. And he was welcomed with a show of warmth and friendliness by his fellow castaways. Smiles and happy greetings all round. Someone called out ‘next slide please!’ and Hancock duly repeated his famous slogan. He knows the game.

For the past fortnight, it was Suella Braverman. Now it’s Sir Gavin Williamson. The media aims to destroy two careers a month, on average, and the present quest to topple Sir Gavin has already produced a result. He’s gone. But that’s not enough. It never is. The new clamour is for the nasty knight to be stripped of his title and reduced to plain old Mr Williamson. At PMQs, the resignation was problematic for Sir Keir because he had to argue over a dead parrot. He quoted Sir Gavin’s unhelpful suggestion to a colleague that he should ‘slit his own throat.’ It might have served Sir Keir better to conceal the phrase and to describe it as too shocking and violent to bear repetition. Once he’d quoted the words, his attack lost oomph.