Janet de Botton

When I first started playing bridge, in the late Nineties, the Young Chelsea marathon was a continuous 24-hour tournament and the stories that came out of those events are legendary: Richard Selway, late, great host at TGRs, winning and going straight to work afterwards. A Norwegian pair, who had not slept at all the night before and who, after winning, took their prize money to the casino and either lost it all or doubled it over the next 12 hours. Sorry, I can’t remember which of those actually happened — and it doesn’t really matter. You get the picture. Nowadays it is a far more genteel affair and has morphed into a twice-yearly half-marathon, 11 a.m.–11 p.m.

The last three weekends have not been relaxing for those of us playing the Premier League, with all its attendant dreams of promotion and nightmares of relegation. Last year’s winners were relegated to division two and Alexander Allfrey’s excellent team won. Today’s hand features (immodestly) moi and came from the second weekend in Manchester: First the bidding: my 2♣ is game forcing but that doesn’t count for anything these days. David Price, playing for Mossop, stuck in 3♦ putting paid to my partner, Artur Malinowski, responding with the relay bid of 2♦. He passed, as double (from either of us) would be for penalties. Paul Hackett, East, raised to 4♦ on his massive three Queen hand which meant I had to pass as well.

The Gold Cup Finals were played in London this year and proved to be very exciting but ultimately unsuccessful for my team. We played David Mossop’s squad on Friday in the quarter-finals and had a rather magical match where everything went our way and we won easily. Next day we played Simon Gillis’s band of international superstars and we certainly had our chances — but the gold dust had evaporated. Norwegian World Champion Boye Brogeland, the hero who exposed all the cheats last year, and his equally brilliant partner Espen Lindqvist, played for Simon. One of the basic building blocks in bridge is to take tricks, but sometimes it’s hard to recognise when a trick is a trick.

The Hubert Phillips is one of the EBU’s quirkier knockout tournaments. Firstly every team must contain (and play) at least one male and one female, changing partners after each 10 board stanza. And secondly the scoring is by total aggregate, honours counting, meaning a big swing can easily wipe out all the other results in the match. And so it was in our match against Chris(tine) Duckworth’s team last week. They won the first two sets and we went into the last one 1,300 points down and hoping for a big swing. We got it! This was the bidding in the closed room. My teammate Nick Sandqvist was sitting South, having bid slam in Clubs. He must have been delighted at the sight of dummy, especially when West led the ♦10.

TGR’s rubber bridge club is a bit like the set of your favourite soap. You have the regulars, of varying abilities and temperaments. You have the stars. You have the guest appearances, characters who come and go and shake up the cocktail. And then you have the total strangers, who walk in from nowhere and either last or are quickly written out. Some become friends, some you admire, and a tiny minority you absolutely loathe! They are the ones who whine nasally and continuously at every perceived mistake partner makes, want to control every bidding sequence and every defence, try and hog as much as possible, cry ‘bully’ when anyone protests, and subject the table to long and dreary hand analyses. Oh, and I forgot: they run snitching to the boss when anyone bites back.

The 15th World Bridge Games (formerly known as the Olympiad) began on 3 September in Wroclaw, and is providing more thrills than Captain Poldark’s ever-disappearing shirt, which I fear is in danger of being written out altogether. In the Open section, three groups of 17 teams played a full round robin within their group, the top five in each qualifying for the playoffs. Today’s hand features the marginally less ripped (but shirts intact) bridge giants Poland’s Michal Klukowski, the youngest ever Open world champion, and Geir Helgemo for Monaco, widely considered the best player in the world, pitted against each other in an extremely delicate 3NT. Surprisingly, they both made errors despite taking an unusually long time in the play.

By the time you read this, I will have (hopefully) played my first hand of bridge in five weeks. No bridge and very little BBO vugraph of interest — the withdrawal pangs were coming with painful regularity, so to take the edge off I turned to reading. Bridge Tips by World Masters, in which Terence Reese develops and enlarges the now famous Bols Bridge Tips from 24 world stars, was my favourite holiday read. Although it was published over 30 years ago I found them all fascinating, but Jean Besse, Swiss world star in the Fifties and Sixties, really touched a nerve with his advice: ‘Beware of your trump tricks. When you see a chance for an easy overruff, don’t be in too great a hurry to take it.

Bridge players love going on about system. Some want every bid to have a conventional meaning and some want to play ‘naturally’. Personally I like a few conventions but not so many that judgement becomes redundant. Norway held its weeklong Bridge Festival in Fredrikstad this year which kicked off with Mixed Pairs. It was won by Helen and Espen Erichsen, one of the few married couples who play together and stay together! 181 pairs played a three-board Swiss format and on hand 82 (out of 90) Helen used just the right amount of system and judgment to help win the gold medal: Helen was sitting in the South seat and opened a strong 2♣. West stuck his oar in with 2♣ and Espen (North) passed showing 6+ points.

Martin Hoffman is a hero. Now in his eighties, he can still analyse a hand faster than most people can sort their cards and he still plays at the speed of light. For many years he was considered the best Pairs player in the world, splitting his time between Florida and London where he played with a vast array of sponsors, getting some remarkable results. Born in Czechoslovakia, he was orphaned in the Holocaust and at 14 was liberated by the Americans at the end of the war and sent to England. He started watching bridge players at the local club, and became obsessed with the game. Between rounds, Martin loves telling jokes. Jokes make me anxious. I never get them and usually force a laugh at the wrong time. Last time I saw him he asked if he could tell me his latest story.

Summer finally appeared like magic on Saturday, 16 July. Did I fire up the barbie? Did I relax with a Pimm’s soaking up a few rays?  Did I go for a gentle walk? Did I heck. I went to play the London Congress Swiss Pairs tournament and found myself, along with 160 other whey-faced bridge moles, descending into the subterranean murkiness of Central Hall in Westminster. It was a bit of a last hurrah for me as August is ‘holiday time’ and I can only get my kicks from watching others battling it out on BBO. We played seven 7-board matches, and when the dust had settled the trophy went to Guernsey-based fund manager Alistair Kent and Andrew ‘Tosh’ Macintosh. This hand, played by Tosh, was much discussed — featuring as it does the old Trump coup.

The magnificent English Ladies have won another gold medal at the Europeans in Budapest. They have won medals in the past six Euro and world championships making them the most successful team we have ever had and one of the best of all time. They were lying third with one day to go. The team that keeps on giving put on a dazzling performance, won its last four matches convincingly and knocked Poland off the top spot. I can’t overstate the Ladies’ achievement: CONGRATULATIONS, WELL PLAYED, BRILLIANT! The Open and Senior teams did not produce such a sensational result — sadly, neither qualified for the Bermuda Bowl, despite some thrilling matches. France won gold in the Open section. They were leading for most of the tournament and never looked in danger.

The 53rd European Teams Championship started last week in Budapest, 37 countries competing in an 11-day complete round robin. The Open Teams kicked off the event slightly earlier than the Women’s and Senior’s, and England has excellent chances of medals in all three categories. The teams are competing for two different prizes: the first to win a European medal and the second to qualify for the next Bermuda Bowl (world championship). Only the top six go through, but if today’s hand is anything to go on, England will romp home.

Many top-class bridge players enjoy flirting with poker, making it their bit on the side. I can certainly see the attraction. No partner shaking their head. No misunderstandings in the bidding. And no teammates rolling their eyes when you bring back a lousy result. We all know that bluffing is an essential part of poker but not many people have the expertise to use it at the bridge table. Under its more serious title of ‘Deception’ top players employ it when they have the imagination to spot the play at speed. Hesitate and you give the game away. My teammate Nick Sandqvist likes nothing better than a great deceptive play. Of course it doesn’t always work, but when it does it’s magic.

If you live in (or anywhere near) London, and you enjoy a good teams tournament, you could do no better than joining one of the excellent SuperLeague games at Young Chelsea or TGRs. There are two divisions in each, played on alternate weeks and two teams get promoted from Div 2 and two go down from Div 1. They are both terrific fun and, junkie that I am, I play in both! This season has just finished after four months and it was the usual nail-biting climax. We won TGRs and at YC it was neck and neck between Hillman and Hinden until the last match. Congratulations to the Hinden team who prevailed. This year a couple of new players joined my team: Australian Kieran Dyke and young English International Mike Bell. Here is Kieran showing tremendously quick thinking at trick one.

It’s the beginning of May and I have a feeling I am about to write the same opening sentence as I have for the past eight years: the Schapiro Spring Foursomes is undoubtedly the best teams tournament in England. Held in Stratford, it’s a double knockout format and this year it was won by Alexander Allfrey’s (mainly) English National team who, rather unusually, lost a life in the first round. Bravo to them for holding on to their second precious life for the next four days. Today’s hand is about knowing your percentages, working out how to play the hand correctly according to those percentages and then losing ten IMPs to me, who did the wrong thing for no discernible reason. My partner was the brilliant young Israeli Dror Padon.

The day before the London Marathon, Young Chelsea BC held its spring half-marathon. Eighty-seven boards were played over 12 hours (it used to be a full 24 hours), the scoring was IMPs and 30 pairs took part. It was won by Colin Simpson and David Kendrick, two extremely good players with donkey’s years experience behind them and not in need of a lot of sleep. But it isn’t only about playing well, you have to know how to take advantage of tired and despondent opponents. Interestingly, it also attracted some relative newcomers who are clearly hooked on bridge. One of them was Natalie Shashou, who played with my teammate (and YC manager) Nick Sandqvist.

Can there be a game more humiliating than Bridge? Last weekend the boys and I went to Warsaw to play the marvellous Palace Cup. I was bursting with excitement as I was playing with my number one Bridge God Geir Helgemo. Lest anyone should think that Helgy woke up one morning and said, ‘I know — I’ll dump Tor Helness and play with Janet,’ it was, as they say, a professional arrangement. I have played with him once before, many years ago when I had been playing for about 10 minutes. I cleverly managed to transfer most of the hands to him and do what I do best: put dummy down. We did rather well and I was properly up for showing him how much I had improved. Sadly, that did not happen. I was truly madly deeply awful. Every hand I declared went down.

Tom Townsend, my esteemed teammate and the Telegraph’s bridge correspondent, did the double last weekend at the London Easter Festival of Bridge. First he won the Championship Pairs playing with Mark Teltscher and then he won the teams playing with … me! Well — on my team anyway. Tom and Mark have had considerable success playing Pairs together even though Mark can be found more often at the poker table. But he takes his bridge outings very seriously and ‘warms up’ by playing rubber bridge at TGRs for a couple of weeks before a tournament. His poker skills, reading the opponents and judging risk against reward, will have come in useful on this hand: Mark was sitting South.

The past couple of weeks have been the first since the New Year that we haven’t played a tournament of some international prestige, so I am going to go back to the Lederer weekend at the end of February, London’s premier invitational event. It was held at the extremely elegant RAC Club in Pall Mall, which has a strict ‘smart’ dress code. It is rather funny to see bridge players looking as though they are going to their own wedding! Ten teams were invited by Ian Payn, chairman of the organising body, and sponsor Simon Gillis to try to prise the trophy away from the England Open Team who won it last year. I was fortunate enough to have Norwegian-born world champion Geir Helgemo on my team, widely considered to be the best player in the world.

So many tournaments — so little space. Last week saw two of the very best London has to offer: Terry Hewett’s ninth and final Night of the Stars, a charity event that auctioned off 56 ‘Stars’ to club players for a night of fun, excitement and glamour — and all at the bridge table. The incomparable Terry has built NoS up from £4,000 in its first year to a whopping £65K — all the proceeds going to four worthy and grateful charities. My teammate Thor Erik Hoftaniska won convincingly, playing with his excellent sponsor John Cumming, whom the exacting TE, not known for gushing pleasantries, called ‘card perfect’. Crikey — I’m not normally the jealous sort...