Chadwick Moore

“Do you have any advice for other presidential candidates who might end up in federal prison?” I ask Joseph “Exotic” Maldonado-Passage, of Tiger King fame, on a recent phone call. And I say “other” candidates because Joe Exotic is running for president. “You know what, Trump ought to stop bashing the Mexicans too bad on that border crisis stuff down there because when he gets in here, he’s going to be outnumbered. He’s going to find out they’re going to be his best friend,” Exotic says. “And he better stock up on Big Macs because they don’t serve that shit in here.” After claiming he’d spent two-and-a-half years in solitary confinement, Exotic was recently released back into general population.

Almost a year ago, the Federal Aviation Authority, under the helm of transportation secretary Pete Buttigieg, announced that the aviation briefing known as NOTAM, or Notice to Airmen, would undergo a name change. NOTAMs are unclassified notices distributed from an aviation authority to all pilots that contain essential information regarding conditions, hazards, system concerns, or other flight operations. NOTAM, Mayor Pete’s Department of Transportation declared, wasn’t gender inclusive and, as of December 2, 2021, it should henceforth be referred to Notice to Air Missions, not Airmen.

Austin Simon, the thirty-five-year-old convicted felon who assaulted a bodega worker in the Hamilton Heights section of Manhattan earlier this month, might still be alive today — if it weren’t all but impossible for law-abiding New Yorkers to obtain a firearm. Simon — dressed in diamond jewelry and a $300 T-shirt — stepped behind the counter to assault sixty-one-year-old Jose Alba, after Simon’s girlfriend’s EBT card was declined when she attempted to purchase a bag of potato chips. A single shot to the leg would have neutralized Simon long enough for law enforcement and paramedics to arrive. Instead, a gory, now-viral, confrontation ensued.

Joe Biden is a wounded deer and America’s most prolific political assassin is hot on his trail. Speaking to the New York State Democratic Convention in February, Hillary Clinton, a ghoul occasionally photographed stalking the woods near Chappaqua, gave a rousing speech that had little to do with state politics. Instead, she addressed a “deeply and dangerously divided nation.” “The struggle for unity and democracy is far from over,” she told lawmakers in the country’s most corrupt state. “We need to focus on solutions that matter to voters.

Fresh out of the clink and appearing on Sean Hannity’s show on Fox News last month, Anthony Weiner, the former congressman from Brooklyn and failed New York City mayoral candidate, didn’t try too hard to convince viewers he was a reformed man. “You pled guilty, Anthony, to sending obscene materials to a young girl, a fifteen-year-old girl,” Hannity began the interview. “Have you changed? Are you a different person?” “I think so,” Weiner — dazed, skittish, fractured — replied. “I don’t think anyone can go through that type of experience, and I think this is probably true of people who have been through other types of adversity, I don’t think you go through that type of experience and don’t emerge changed.