Leonardo DiCaprio only dates women under twenty-five BECAUSE he’s an eco-warrior
There are three certainties in life: death, taxes and Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend being shoved overboard as soon as she reaches the ripe age of twenty-five. But while killjoys are moaning online about the actor’s disposition, Cockburn believes that DiCaprio is actually carrying out God’s work. Climate change, pollution, the energy crisis — the reason for these disasters is simple: there are just too many people on earth. How does this relate to a middle-aged actor dating young supermodels, you ask? Simple: Leo is stealing their best child-bearing years one at a time without impregnating them. Now, Cockburn is no scientist — but he bets that if Leo keeps this up for a few more decades, you will literally see the oceans get clearer. He’s done the math.
