Kash Patel

“See you in Valhalla” is how Kash Patel said farewell to Charlie Kirk. Unfortunately, it now seems that Patel’s own sanctum has now been breached. Iran-aligned hackers have broken into the FBI director’s personal email inbox and released the contents online. What did they leak? The un-redacted Epstein files? The truth behind the Kennedy assassination? Not quite. None of the 300 purloined emails were even sent during Patel’s time at the FBI. The hackers, no doubt cackling manically while doing so, instead released according to the Guardian: a series of personal photographs of Patel sniffing and smoking cigars, riding in an antique convertible and making a face while taking a picture of himself in the mirror with a large bottle of rum. Take that!

FBI Director Kash Patel popped up in several news stories on Friday. He does this periodically, like a skin or glandular disorder – a Kash Rash, as it were. Looking as though he’d spent last night consuming the contents of the FBI’s seized-drug storeroom, Patel announced at an airport presser that the FBI had seized former Canadian snowboarder Ryan Wedding, a “modern-day El Chapo” or Pablo Escobar who was running a multinational drug ring out of Mexico City. That seemed like good news, as did the fact that Patel said that there had been a 210 percent increase in gang takedowns and a reduction in FBI operational expenses in his first year.

“We are so excited to be joined by Kash and his beautiful girlfriend Alexis,” said Katie Miller, wife of Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller, on this week’s podcast. And there, on the couch next to her, sits FBI Director Kash Patel and Alexis Wilkins, his significant other, a country-music singer and conservative political commentator, a female twenty-something Bob Roberts for our modern age. “So I just want to clarify,” Miller says. “You’re not Jewish.” “I’m not,” Wilkins says, while Patel laughs beside her. “You are not from Israel.” “No.” “So how did we get to are you a Mossad agent?

The FBI has arrested Chauncey Billups, NBA champion, Hall of Famer, and coach of the Portland Trail Blazers for his association in a rigged poker game operated by some of New York City’s most notorious crime family. “Why would Chauncey do it?” the world of sports is asking. He’s already worth tens of millions of dollars. That’s a question for Billups, his attorneys, his God, and, presumably, Blazers ownership to answer. But as someone who regularly plays a lot of low and micro-stakes poker, I have a pretty good idea. The games I play in are monitored by security cameras, with armed guards at the exits in case people get out of line. When I play in World Series of Poker or World Poker Tour events, there are a strict set of rules by which the vast majority of players abide.

The morning after Charlie Kirk’s assassination, FBI Director Kash Patel stood in a Utah conference room, the state’s Governor Spencer Cox looking appropriately somber behind him, and uttered these words: “To my friend Charlie Kirk, rest now, brother. We have the watch. And I’ll see you at Valhalla.” A Hindu speaking to a dead Christian in front of a Mormon governor, none of them soldiers, invoking a mythical heaven for Norse warriors: ain’t that America? Yet beyond the absurd and harmless cognitive dissonance, there is a more serious question: does Kash Patel actually “have the watch?

President Trump remains baffled over the endlessly churning Epstein List controversy. “We're on one Team, MAGA, and I don't like what's happening,” he Truth Socialed Saturday. “We have a PERFECT Administration, THE TALK OF THE WORLD, and 'selfish people' are trying to hurt it, all over a guy who never dies, Jeffrey Epstein.” Calling Epstein “a guy who never dies” raised some eyebrows with the Alex Jones wing of the party. But for the non-conspiracy minded, the MAGA infighting over the Epstein List, whose release was a major Trump campaign promise, has us reaching for another bowl of popcorn. Trump’s exasperation began to show at last week’s cabinet meeting, when a reporter asked him a question about the Epstein List. “Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein?

Kash Patel and Dan Bongino have this week found out the painful way that running the Federal Bureau of Investigation is a lot harder than podcasting. Having spent years on endless shows suggesting that the "Epstein Files" could reveal the Deep State’s darkest secrets, the now Director and Deputy Director of the FBI find themselves insisting that, contrary to what they may have said, Jeffrey Epstein did, in fact, kill himself; that he did not have a list of blackmailable clients; and that he sexually abused more than 1,000 girls pretty much all by himself.Nobody believes that, of course, and Donald Trump’s angry reaction on Tuesday to a reporter who dared to ask about the most famous sex offender of all time, has done nothing to put the conspiracy theories to rest.

Diplomatic heads are still spinning following Donald Trump’s extraordinary Oval Office press conference with South African President Cyril Ramaphosa yesterday. The media has taken to using the word “ambush” to describe the way Trump sprung his evidence on Ramaphosa to make the point that white South Africans are being violently persecuted. The scene turned into gemors, as they say in Afrikaans, or chaos, and reminded many observers of the wild meeting between Trump and Volodymyr Zelensky in the same room back in February. Ramaphosa had wanted to perform the usual niceties, flanked by a delegation including three white South African golfers, Elon Musk, some of his officials, his minister for agriculture John Henry Steenhuisen and the luxury goods billionaire Johann Rupert.

Few people can claim the mantle of being more identified with the anti-Deep State MAGA movement than Kash Patel and Dan Bongino, the Director and Deputy Director of the FBI, who sat down for a lengthy conversation with Maria Bartiromo this weekend. Yet they responded with surprisingly out of character language to the continued conspiracizing around the death of Jeffrey Epstein – the New York financier – and the possibility of a wider plot to assassinate Donald Trump. If anyone was going to reveal hidden secrets of the Deep State, it would be these two, who have railed against its excesses on media platforms for years before taking their posts.

“So Charlie Kirk tweeted about it and Don Jr. shared it, so I think I’m OK,” one presidential nominee told me earlier this year. The important thing, as they say in the City of Brotherly Love, is the implication. The implication here being that he was among the chosen ones, counted upon, trusted, a five-star A-list recruit. Of course Matt Gaetz, the former Florida congressman, also had the backing of the President’s eldest son and Kirk, who founded Turning Point USA. Kirk spent a day urging a potential alternative for the role of Trump’s attorney general to take the job, only to follow up with: “Can we count on you for Matt?” But Gaetz wasn’t able to cross the line. He is now a host on One America News.