Confessions of a White House staffer

While it’s a bit disappointing to be back at work after a few days off for Thanksgiving, the staff definitely seems to be in a cheerier mood than normal thanks to Christmas being just a few weeks away. We were finishing up the final touches on the White House Christmas decorations over the weekend, including making some last minute edits on Melania’s video reveal. It almost seems like a waste to spend so much time on preparations, because we know the media is going to dump on them anyway.But we were able to get back at the media in a small way — scheduling the press tour of the decorations for 5 a.m. on a Monday morning. It was pretty satisfying to see them shivering out in the cold with bags under their eyes.

The Rose Garden became a makeshift petting zoo this week as POTUS played host to several animals before heading to the Winter White House for the Thanksgiving holiday. Shockingly, I am not referring to Rudy Giuliani and his comms team, which is headed up by a 20-year-old with less work experience than a McDonald’s fry cook.Instead, the press shop wranglers had to use their skills on Conan, the special forces dog from the al-Baghdadi raid, and Butter (or was it Bread?) the turkey. Realistically, it was not that different from keeping Playboy’s Brian Karem from crossing the rope line, except for when the turkey briefly escaped from his handler in upper press. Hopefully no one tells Janet why there are feathers on her desk.

Things have been frantic over the last few days, as I've been forced to assist one of my bosses in working out the promotional schedule for their book release...without revealing who they are. It's tough enough to deal with TV bookers and managing editors when the author's identity is no secret — but the real exhaustion comes from the cloak-and-dagger routine of ensuring no one high up notices a 'senior administration official' moving meetings to call his (or her!) literary agents and fire off excerpts to his (or her!) buddies Rachel and Yashar. It’s a lot easier to book a senior admin official when you know they’re going to say something bad about POTUS.

Oh no, the pipes in Stephen Miller's office are leaking again. We need to fix them and apparently it’s up to me stop the place flooding. I’m pretty sure this is not what I majored in polisci at UVA for, but whatever. Miller’s burst pipes end up dampening everyone who is trying to make immigration reform happen. Word is that Kirstjen Nielsen and Kevin McAleenan both suffered a dousing. Miller’s been told to keep his office in better order. He looks a bit upset. Could be worse, I wanted to tell him, at least his sprayed-on hair didn’t get wet. Another day passes without Hogan Gidley doing a press conference. The hacks are started to mock him openly. The deputy press secretary has been in his role since 2017, and still hasn’t made it to the podium.