Cockburn

Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett of Texas announced her bid for the US Senate yesterday with a video in which she listens implacably while President Trump insults her. The President sarcastically brands Crockett the “new star of the Democratic party.” “Wait until she gives it back,” tweeted Representative Eric Swalwell (D-Moron). “Turning Texas blue is what I want to talk to y’all today. There are people who say ain’t no way. We tried it 50 kinds of ways,” Crockett said in yesterday’s campaign announcement speech. “Let me be clear: y’all never tried it the JC way... they have no idea what Crockett’s crew will do!” Later, on CNN, Crockett said that she doesn’t need to convert Trump’s supporters. “That’s not our goal,” she said.

Where are you going, Elon? Where have you been? The 87-year-old novelist Joyce Carol Oates unleashed her X account to excoriate the app’s owner Elon Musk this weekend. “So curious that such a wealthy man never posts anything that indicates that he enjoys or is even aware of what virtually everyone appreciates – scenes from nature, pet dog or cat, praise for a movie, music, a book (but doubt that he reads); pride in a friend’s or relative’s accomplishment; condolences for someone who has died... In fact he seems totally uneducated, uncultured. The poorest persons on Twitter may have access to more beauty & meaning in life than the ‘most wealthy person in the world.’” OK, Joyce.

In there like skincare President Trump arrived back from the Far East last week with a trade deal or two and an improved relationship with China’s President Xi Jinping. But he’s not the only one benefiting from his visit. A significant chunk of the White House press corps took advantage of the trip to APEC to stock up on sought-after Korean skincare products. “I brought back two face washes, a cream and a hundred masks,” one producer told Cockburn. “Via Google Translate, I asked the workers at a skincare store called Olive Young for some of their favorite products – they showed me this cream, they said it’s very popular in South Korea.” The ROK is “the Turkey of skincare,” she added.

It’s happened again, it’s happened again… What’s the scariest thing about America right now? Creeping authoritarianism? The looming Socialist Republic of New York? “The enemy within?” For Cockburn, who draws from a never-ending well of Dutch courage, the answer is nothing. Perhaps the White House’s Halloween reception might offer him further insight into the more macabre side of the nation. The US Air Force Band greeted your correspondent as he walked along the Presidential Hall of Fame, past the paved “Rose Garden Club” and onto the South Lawn. They offered a soundtrack of film and TV scores – the best of Bernard Herrmann and John Williams – as well as the obligatory Bach.

The Karine humiliation routine The media is piling on former Biden press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre’s “tell-some-but-not-all” memoir Independent. Matt Taibbi called the book “incoherent,” which is to be expected, but check out this from the Washington Post’s reviewer Becca Rothfeld: “It is incredible – and emblematic of the Democrats’ total aesthetic and intellectual driftlessness – that someone who writes in such feel-good, thought-repelling clichés was hired to communicate with the nation from its highest podium.” KJP then took a call from the New Yorker’s Isaac Chotiner, who’s savaged many intellects far greater than hers.

Has anyone seen Graham Platner’s tramp stamp? “I grew up as a little punk rock kid listening to Dead Kennedys and Dropkick Murphys,” Graham Platner, the front-runner for the Democratic nomination for the open Maine Senate seat said yesterday at a town hall in Ogunquit. He neglected to include the information that as a little punk rock kid he attended Hotchkiss, a private boarding school in Connecticut that currently costs more than $70,000 a year for tuition and meals, whose alumni include the founders of Morgan Stanley and Lehman Brothers. Such details rarely appeal to the common people. Platner, who runs an unprofitable oyster farm, served eight years in the Marines after high school.

Build me up President Trump, like many of his forebears, is remaking the White House in his own image. The Donald has just finished giving a speech to Republican senators at the “Rose Garden Club” – which he paved over earlier in the year. As he told Cockburn’s colleague Ben Domenech back in February, “We had the press here yesterday. Do you see the women there? They’re going crazy. The grass was wet. Their heels are going right through the grass, like four inches deep.” Today Trump talked about his latest redevelopment: “We’re building a world-class ballroom,” he told the crowd. “For 150 years they’ve wanted a ballroom... the government is paying for nothing.

Tucker time In the month since his death, Charlie Kirk has been credited for his role as a unifying figure on the American right. Nowhere was that more evident than at the Tuesday afternoon service posthumously awarding him the Presidential Medal of Honor, where four hosts of Fox News’s prestigious 8 p.m. slot posed for a photo together: Jesse Watters, Glenn Beck, Bill O‘Reilly and Tucker Carlson. Tucker also got a picture with Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham – incredible considering how acrimoniously things ended between him, his former network and a number of his other high-profile colleagues. (Carlson branded Hannity a “warmonger” as recently as June.

President Trump prevented World War Three yesterday, or so he claimed multiple times. “No one wants World War Three,” he said. Fact check: true. Trump and many of the world’s finest leaders gathered behind a large, tacky but also touching sign that read “Peace 2025.” Italy’s Giorgia Meloni also attended the summit. Trump called her “beautiful,” saying that in the US calling a woman beautiful could mean the “end of your political career.” Fact check: true. “I’ll take my chances,” Trump said. Cockburn enjoyed the day’s festivities, which featured enough comic moments to fill a season of The Office.

Muntadhar al-Zaidi, the man who once threw a shoe at George W. Bush during a press conference, posted a gym selfie on X the other day. Cockburn is here to tell you that the man is yoked. “Have a nice day” indeed, Muntadhar!“This is a farewell kiss from the Iraqi people, you dog,” al-Zaidi shouted at Bush in 2008, before throwing his shoe. He subsequently spent nine months behind bars. After a release for good behavior, he said he intended to start a foundation that would “build orphanages, a children’s hospital, and medical and orthopedic centers offering free treatment and manned by Iraqi doctors and medical staff.”That doesn’t appear to have happened. Al-Zaidi also ran, unsuccessfully, for public office in Iraq in 2018.

One of President Trump’s unique gifts is that he can simultaneously hold two truths to be self-evident. That’s how the White House managed to send out a press release yesterday with the headline “FACT: Evidence Suggests Link Between Acetaminophen, Autism.” Cockburn supposes it’s fact that evidence “suggests,” but it’s really just bet-hedging. Concurrently, Trump manages to present himself as the great preserver of classical architecture and American tradition, yet is on the verge of unveiling a gaudy “Presidential Walk of Fame” on the White House Colonnade.

Luigi’s mansion It’s money well-spent for those who contributed to Luigi Mangione’s million-dollar defense fund. Two state terrorism charges against the accused CEO-killer have been thrown out by a New York judge today, including a first-degree murder charge which could have landed Mangione in prison for life. Judge Gregory Carro ruled that, despite the ideological motive behind Mangione’s alleged actions – a sort of “eat-the-rich” philosophy which has made him a grotesque folk hero for many on the far left – a murder committed for ideological reasons isn’t necessarily terrorism.

This time next week, President Trump will be across the Pond in the United Kingdom for a state visit. He goes back to the Old Country at a testing time for US-UK relations. The UK ambassador to the US Lord Mandelson was removed from his post this week after further revelations emerged about his friendship with the convicted child sex offender and financier Jeffrey Epstein. Mandelson remained close with Epstein after his first conviction in 2008 and referred to him as his “best pal” in emails. Mandelson also has an entry in the 50th birthday book put together by Ghislaine Maxwell which the House Oversight Committee released last week – the same book which is the subject of a defamation suit filed by President Trump against the Wall Street Journal.

In one of the grubby little hypocrisies that have come to characterize Joe Biden’s single term, the president awarded Jose Andrés the Presidential Medal of Freedom last weekend — at around the same time as signing off on another $8 billion weapons sale to Israel. A previous lot to head off to our top Middle East ally may well have played a part in the air strike that killed seven people working for Andrés’s World Central Kitchen in Gaza. Such complex contradictions may explain Andrés’s muted reaction to receiving the honor: one of Cockburn’s sources saw the chef dining with his family and friends at Nobu after the ceremony. When the spy approached Andrés at the bar the chef was ebullient — yet upon being congratulated he turned solemn.

Will Kamala actually appoint a Republican to her cabinet? A rare surprise in the otherwise routine Harris-Walz interview on CNN last night: when asked if she’d appoint a Republican to her cabinet, Kamala said, “Yes I would.” This is perhaps in response to two Democratic presidential candidates from the last decade — Tulsi Gabbard and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. — endorsing Trump and joining his transition team. President Biden appointed a few Republicans to ambassadorial positions — notably Arizonans Jeff Flake and Cindy McCain — but Harris appears ready to go a step further. The likeliest option would be to appoint a serious-minded ex-military Beltway figure to a role like director of national intelligence or defense secretary: Mark Esper, for instance.