Q. My grandson has just failed his driving test for the fifth time and yet I know, from his chauffeuring me everywhere, that he is an excellent driver. He is strikingly handsome and tall and I am convinced this prejudices the examiners against him. What would you recommend, Mary? — E.G., Alton, Hants
A. Your grandson should aim towards growing enough hair for a mullet in time for his next driving test. This disfiguring haircut means that compassion should supplant any potential chippiness on the part of the next examiner and he will sail through with flying colours.
Q. A neighbour and friend, who has been widowed before her time, is exhibiting some odd habits now she is living on her own. She asks my husband and me to dinner parties which we enjoy, but she has started picking up her spaniel at the end of every course and putting him on her knee so he can lick any remnants left on her plate. We don’t mind, but I know others who do. Moreover, it is likely to put paid to her finding another partner. How do we tactfully let her know this isn’t OK, even in your own house? It’s not even a particularly attractive dog. — Name and address withheld
A. Source a single man, of any quality, who will admit to you, privately, that he quite fancies this widow. Then confide in the widow that, although you realise that she may never want to date again, and that although you cannot reveal his identity, you do know she has an admirer. Expand that, although she may not find him attractive in the first place, you do know one thing which would really put him off her were he ever to catch sight of it – the dog’s plate-licking. Curiosity and vanity will do its work and you will soon see an end to the nuisance.
Q. I am coming under pressure from much-loved family, friends and colleagues to actually see them. I want to do this but I live abroad half the year and have such a large family and so many former colleagues from different worlds of work that the backlog is around 300. Where do I begin? Help!
— A.M., Paris
A. The late, much lamented Sir Tom Stoppard O.M. was in the same position, rounding up new admirers and friends, which were manifold, with every production he worked on. He started to solve the problem in 1997 by hiring the Chelsea Physic Garden on his 60th birthday and inviting ‘everyone’ (around 400) to come between noon and dusk. He did this every other year for years. The parties were a huge success and every guest felt ‘seen’. Stoppard paid an average £118,000.
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.com
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