Paul Wood

‘Now, now, you know that’s your brother’s daddy. And he’s your sister’s daddy. Your daddy will visit us tomorrow.’

‘Take me to your leader’s Twitter feed.’

‘Let’s face it, the world is getting to be a more dangerous place.’

‘Do they have to make such a song and dance about it?’

‘Before we link hands, can we first use the hand-sanitising gel?’

‘I predict a long journey… looking for a new job.’

‘You need to man up, Mr Hulk. This is the UK, we’re all angry.’

‘What do you mean, asking for a kiss is now considered a hate crime?’

‘He’s invented the Samsung phone.’

‘His thyroid is fine, but everything else is underactive.’

‘Before I talk to him, check him for migrants.’

‘I got top Marx.’

‘Look, Joaquin! The great British bake-off!’

‘Great, innit, being a sporting superpower?’

‘We’ve just been on a staycation — we spent the whole week stranded at Dover.’

‘There’s been a change of plan. We’re going to need two venues…’