Columns

Saturday

James Forsyth

Now that the election is over, let the arguments and explosions begin

James Forsyth reviews the week in politics ‘He who controls the past, controls the future’ as George Orwell reminded us. This means that a battle breaks out in every party after every election to explain the result, to determine which policies helped and which policies hindered. Win or lose, the various factions inside parties race to establish a narrative that is helpful to their cause. Straight after Labour’s landslide win in 1997, it was declared that ‘we campaigned as New Labour and we will govern as New Labour’. The Blairites were so eager to establish this point that they even considered putting it into the Queen’s speech.

Matthew Parris

Why has the war in Afghanistan barely been mentioned during this election?

During this election campaign a figure of speech passed from novelty to cliché: ‘the elephant in the room’. Various elephants — spending cuts, the national debt, the reform of the NHS — were nominated for the role. But one poor beast never even got into the room. The Afghan war has been distant from our thoughts. Dismal trumpeting sounds have been barely audible from savannahs far away. This was the subject from which, after a polite cough, everybody moved away. The only party prepared publicly to question the wisdom (as opposed to the conduct) of this war has been the British National Party. We should be ashamed. We’re embroiled in a murderous conflict from which we feel unable to discuss escape.

Saturday

James Forsyth

Can Mr Cameron hang tough?

James Forsyth reviews the week in politics When the head of state herself has declared, after a lifetime of study, that ‘the British constitution has always been puzzling and always will be’, one wonders what hope there is for the rest of us if we wake up on 7 May to a hung parliament. We have become used to going to bed in the wee hours of Friday morning knowing who the new Prime Minister is. But this time the only thing that might be certain is the uncertainty. The Cabinet Office guidelines for a hung parliament are thorough and detailed. But they will not help with the media frenzy that is likely to be unleashed from Friday onwards: the news helicopters hovering over Downing Street, the 24-hour rolling commentary.

Hugo Rifkind

You can say just about anything during this election and sound brilliantly informed

This is an election for bullshitters. It’s brilliant. Time was, as a young idiot working in newspapers, you might be afraid of opening your mouth and making loud and lofty predictions about the shape of the next government. Now it’s fine. You might not know much, but nobody else does either. You can talk and talk and talk, and it’s very hard for anybody to say, with any sort of confidence, that you are entirely wrong. You see, this industry is dominated, some would say unfairly, by people who actually know stuff. They might have an intimate knowledge of the swings of the elections of 1923, 1974 and 1974 again. Or they might understand polling.

James Delingpole

Is Ian McEwan a global warming denier in denial?

How would you like to go on a freebie to the Arctic Circle for a couple of weeks? Here’s the deal: all your travel expenses are taken care of; you stay on a beautiful old sailing ship, most likely in some remote, picturesque bay far off the tourist map; you’ll see killer whales and polar bears, possibly even the odd narwhal; you’ll get to zoom around the pristine wilderness on skidoos; your food is prepared by a top Italian chef; there’s lashings of booze (albeit rather heady North African plonk); almost all your travelling companions will be famous in some way: Vikram Seth, Rachel Whiteread, Ian McEwan, Marcus Brigstocke. Oh all right — I lost you with Marcus Brigstocke. But up until that point it was sounding pretty tasty, wasn’t it?

Saturday

Matthew Parris

Listening to Schumann’s Romance in F Sharp Major and musing on piano wheels

In the unlikeliest situations the mind can tear off enthusiastically in unaccountable directions. In the bath, or in the watches of the night, or when almost too exhausted to stand, ideas can suddenly start coming at us, fast and furious. It can happen listening to music, too, as I found out last week. We were at the Wigmore Hall in London, listening to the Swedish pianist Bengt Forsberg play Bach, Schumann and Fauré with artistry and intelligence, when I found myself staring at the wheels of the big black grand piano. And slowly I realised how ball-bearings work. It took me the whole of Schumann’s Romance in F sharp major Op. 28 No. 2, but the engineering discovery was a revelation — and a reproach, too, for never having thought about it before.

Saturday

James Forsyth

Even those sympathetic to the ideas in the Tory manifesto see they are not pub-ready

James Forsyth reviews the week in politics ‘But has it cut through?’ This is the concern that nags at the Tories after every announcement. They know that they are winning the day-to-day battle in the media but they worry about whether this is making any difference in the country. They fret that the campaign, so far, is a piece of political drama for the political class and that the electorate are tuning it out. Those who return from the election frontlines to Conservative Campaign Head-quarters bring back the message that the voters are disillusioned. In the words of one shadow Cabinet member, they are ‘swimming against an incredibly strong current of anti-politics feeling’.

James Delingpole

Most gay men have realised that the Oppressed Victimhood party is totally over

Some of my best friends are gay — but now I can go one better than that: one of them is HIV positive. Some of my best friends are gay — but now I can go one better than that: one of them is HIV positive. ‘But that’s brilliant news!’ I told my friend when he spilled the beans the other day. ‘Now I can go round claiming victim cred by association. And if anyone makes an Aids joke I can be, like, seriously offended and put on a solemn voice and say: “Actually, you know, if you had an HIV positive friend like I do...”.’ My friend agreed that being HIV positive was a very handy thing to be, in this respect.

Hugo Rifkind

I could never be comfortable on the left — there’s just too much hate there

‘Samantha is actually very unconventional,’ said David Cameron, a few months ago. ‘She went to day school.’ I first saw that the other day, quoted in an article by the Independent’s Johann Hari. I love it. I can’t think why I hadn’t come across it before. It’s not quite up there with Jacob Rees-Mogg at his best (‘I do wish you wouldn’t keep going on about my nanny. If I had a valet you’d think it was perfectly normal’), or Guy Ritchie’s voice, or the way Prince Harry’s girlfriend dresses, but still, it’s a corker of the genre. I go weak for this sort of thing. People pretending they’re not posh is almost as funny as people pretending they are.

Saturday

James Forsyth

The Tories can control the future by controlling their past

James Forsyth reviews the week in politics When a party loses an election, recriminations follow. But when it wins, an argument that is often as vicious breaks out over why it triumphed. This debate matters because, as Winston Smith knew, he who controls the past controls the future. The Tory party is preparing for such an argument right now. Those on the right are gearing up to say that it was the tax cut wot won it; while the so-called modernisers counter that the tax cut was illusory — and that the victory is a result of abandoning the old Tory tunes. That the Tories are preparing for this argument shows that they now expect to win. The jitters of a fortnight ago have been replaced by a quiet confidence that the party will gain an overall majority.

Matthew Parris

Tired of the bigots, tired of the anti-bigots, my moral certitude faltered

Over the Easter weekend I experienced something rare among columnists: asked for an opinion, I couldn’t think of one. I didn’t know what to think. Ghastly hiatus. Let’s hope this doesn’t happen again soon. Sky News telephoned. There were reports that the Conservative home affairs spokesman, Chris Grayling, had been ‘recorded’ (their word) expressing the opinion that Christian proprietors of bed & breakfast establishments might be permitted to refuse admittance to gay couples who wanted to share a bed. What did I think? Assuming it was true, how should I respond? Sky wanted to send a broadcasting van to our house in Derbyshire to record an interview.

Saturday

James Forsyth

Without Osborne, there’d be no Cameron project — that’s why both sides hate him

James Forsyth reviews the week in politics When all the Tory staff moved into the soulless Millbank complex for the election campaign, they were addressed by George Osborne in his role as campaign director. They were told that the next 60 days were the most important period of their professional lives. For no one in the room was this truer than for Mr Osborne. If the Tories triumph, he will be chancellor and (if he is lucky) hailed as the mastermind behind a winning campaign. If it ends in disaster, he’ll be held responsible. His dual role — campaign director and shadow chancellor — has been deeply controversial and has exposed him to criticism from those who say he does neither job well.

James Delingpole

If I could go back in time to my Oxford days, I’d warn myself against idolising Cameron

How odd to think that there was a time when I looked up to David Cameron. From the moment we were introduced at the beginning of my second year at Oxford, I remember being mesmerised by his confidence, his charisma, his looks, that amused plummy accent and — yes — perhaps, also, that slight vibe so many Etonians projected in those days that if you hadn’t been to ‘School’ you really weren’t quite the thing. It all made you want to get to know him better. Which I did. And I very much liked what I found. If you’d told me then that David Cameron would one day be prime minister, I’m sure I would have been tickled pink.

Saturday

Matthew Parris

My middle-aged llama Knapp turned into a sex pest. Something had to be done

An event has occurred which is not necessarily to my llama, Knapp’s, advantage. The tale, though it falls short of tragedy, is melancholy to relate. Knapp, now approaching what are, from a camelid time-perspective, his middle years (he’s about 11) has always done what he’s supposed to do well. Almost too well. He’s a stud. He comes from a fashionable llama ranch in the home counties. His uncle has featured in a fashion advertisement in The Spectator, being led through the streets of Notting Hill. His own portrait, standing proudly beside his rather crumpled-looking owner, has appeared in Country Life. He’s big, for a llama: strongly built, with a coat that is long, thick and creamy-white, touched with the occasional caramel streak.

Saturday

James Forsyth

Brown has stolen the next four Tory budgets. We’ll be paying off his debt for a generation

James Forsyth reviews the week in politics Alistair Darling will stand at the Dispatch box on Wednesday and say that there is a plan to halve the Budget deficit in the next four years. His quiet delivery and demeanour of an Edinburgh lawyer will make this sound like a reassuring return to fiscal sanity. It is anything but. In reality, it means that the government intends to borrow another £500 billion — more than what the government spent in the whole of 2005 — over the next four years. Halving the deficit doesn’t mean making government expenditure match government revenue. It just means that the government will borrow less each year than it does now. Labour are capitalising on the confusion between the word ‘deficit’ (i.e.

Hugo Rifkind

Bodyguards always draw attention to the people they’re supposed to be protecting

Reading the Observer on Sunday (don’t judge me, it’s my job) I came across the story of a Special Branch policeman called Officer A, who lived undercover with extremist left-wing groups for years in the mid-1990s. As a member of the Special Demonstration Squad, and distant from his wife and child, he grew a ponytail, befriended and slept with Trotskyists, lived a double life, and kept having to punch his fellow policemen to preserve it. ‘Blimey,’ I thought to myself. ‘That’s got to be one of the least pleasant jobs in policing.’ But then, in the Mail on Sunday (like I said, it’s my job), I read about the policemen who, 24-7, perform bodyguard duties to Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie. ‘Then again,’ I thought. ‘Maybe not.

James Delingpole

I’ve never met a girl who hero-worships Martin Amis as I do — except maybe his wife

M. ‘I’ve spotted him!’ Me. ‘Where?’ M. ‘Down there. Having a coffee. On his own.’ Me. ‘Hey. Do you think he’d like it if we joined him?’ M. ‘I doubt it. He’s reading a book.’ D. ‘God, is he reading his own book? Unbelievable. He’s reading Yellow Dog.’ M. ‘No it’s not. I think it’s Hitch 22.’ Me. ‘Yeah well, whatever it is, look, he’s almost at the end. You know how it is when you’re nearly at the end of the book. You want to prolong the moment. So we’d be doing him a favour.’ M. ‘You can if you want to. I’m staying here.’ Me. ‘Coward. What about you, D?’ D. ‘Well we’ve come all this way.

Saturday

James Forsyth

The words ‘hung parliament’ remind MPs that their own parties are coalitions

James Forsyth reviews the week in politics MPs have a new favourite game: Hung Parliament. To solve this communal Rubik’s Cube you have to work out how a coalition could be put together if no party wins an overall majority — and what concessions would have to be made. But the real fun comes when you start working out which party leaders would have to be sacrificed to make any deal work. One scenario even ends up with leadership challenges in all three main parties — so with multidimensional fear, loathing and civil war. Those MPs who will leave at the next election — just over half, when you count retirement and likely defeat — are taking special pleasure in forecasting chaos.

Matthew Parris

It’s time we bank customers started talking to each other in the queue

I’ve been interested in informal banking ever since, frustrated in a long Lloyds bank queue in the West End, I persuaded some American tourists queuing with me to exchange their dollars for my pounds at the rate of interest marked on the notice board. No customer is an island, as John Donne did not quite remark. But today, when it comes to depositing funds and borrowing funds, our financial institutions are acting as though we customers were indeed islands. It’s time we started talking to each other in the queue. Banks and building societies assume that they alone can make the link between those with money and those in need of money, taking their cut. But if they are too averse to risk, and take too big a cut, they should beware.

Saturday

James Forsyth

Why does it take a crisis to sting Cameron into action?

James Forsyth reviews the week in politics The bar of the Brighton Metropole hotel was packed on Saturday night, with the sort of people locals would want to avoid. It was the Tory spring conference, and the journalists and aides were drawn to the bar not only by the prospect of doing a whole conference’s worth of drinking in one night but by news of a ‘seismic’ poll in the Sunday Times. If there was going to be conference drama, no one wanted to miss it. When midnight passed with no news, anticipation heightened. In the early hours of the morning, the news arrived: the YouGov poll pointed to a Labour victory.